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Old 08-19-2010, 06:47 AM
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Default Mom of 3 Going through Challenging Seperation

Hi

I am a mom of 3 kiddies (8,6 and 4) I seperated 3 years ago. Was in a common-law relationship for 8 years. My ex partner was 17 years my senior and he was very controlling emotional and mentally abusive and not suprisingly still is. Finally left the relationship and began custody arrangements through a lawyer. He wouldn't agree to anything with regards to the children and was fighting for sole custody and the ability to re-locate back to BC where we met. This past spring we were supposed to go to court and I was worn out and he finally agreed to sign and agreement. But he insisted he get sole custody of the kids. i was never going to see a penny from he hasn't paid taxes in over 10 years. I just finished college. The agreement was in black and white divided the time well with the kids and it said we both have decision making ability on medical issues etc...so I signed the agreement. I know we regret it because there was no reason we couldn't have had joint custody even if he had primary residency of the kids. But I always know when I get the kids so that is what I think is important. Alternating weekends and Wed to thurs every week. As well as alternating holidays. We both get 1 week at x mas and 2 weeks in the summer. I don't pay him anything. So it isn't a bad agreement but i guess i was hoping he would be more flexible with the time with the kids. there have been so many occasions I had fun things to do with them and he wouldn't let me see the kids which is so selfish. But it is expected he is a very selfish jealous person and is angry because of my new relationship and how much the kids enjoy being with me.
My new new relationship is with a great guy who has 2 kids same age as my 2 oldest. I did not want to give him sole custody but felt our circumstances would benefit him having the kids during the week as I will be working full time. He is self employed and can pick up and drop off kids at school etc.. Apart from being a jerk to me for the most part he is great with the kids and has done a lot with them. However, he is not a good father in some ways as well like talking badly to the kids about me and my new situation and not be flexible in letting me spend time with the kids. it is very unfortunate that he is still so angry that he cannot see the problems he is creating for the children. This past summer he has been especially difficult taking his vacation without letting me know keeping kids for long periods of time and being very difficult to deal with.

When i left the relationship I left with nothing. No money never got any of our household items, he wouldn't even let me have any of my belongings or gifts he had given me. I may never see any of my children's baby pics and keepsakes. It is all very sad. I was a good partner to him and tried to make the relationship work but got worn down by the put downs lack of emotional support and his controlling ways. Not to mention he is a narcassist inside and out. I am very sensitive, people pleasing happy go lucky kinda person, I am young in shape and attractive to describe myself. And not to mention that more than once during our relationship he was looking for intimate encounters on dating sites. I will never know if he actually cheated on me but I wouldn't be surprised. So that to me was the straw that broke the camels back. I felt like he had stolen my spirit. our life was chaotic living moth to month, moving 8 times in 8 years I was lonely we had no roots and I was struggling to keep myself together for the kids. the stress was wearing me down physically I lost a significant amount of weight and was depressed. needless to say we ended up moving to Ontario from BC for reasons to get out of BC and we lived in Barrie for 8 months he wasn't happy there so then we were going to move to Winnipeg where he is originally from. I am from Ottawa that is where my family is. Anyway I went to stay with my Mom for a month while he moved and found a place in Winnipeg and that is when I decided to leave. he always thought I had planned it but it was like I a safe place to finally see that this was not what I wanted and decided it was best for me to end the relationship and seeking the support of my family told him. He was enraged but moved to Ottawa and found a place close to my Moms.

Not sure where this situation is going with my ex. The stress he is causing the kids brings out the Mother Bear in me. I just want to have an amicable relationship with him so we can both raise our kids and give them the best childhood possible. he has not moved on which is unfortunate in 3 years I don't think he has dated. he lives and works from home has no real friends. It is really sad to me. But we are all responsible for our own happiness.

Well that is a shortened version if you can believe it of my situation. But this is the jist of it all...I will explain more of my challenges of late in my next post.
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Old 08-19-2010, 08:06 AM
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So, you're in Ottawa and it appears that you're starting over. Enjoy your kids when they are with you rather than dwell on what sort of parent they are.

You signed the agreement in good faith and if your looking to change the agreement -- the onus is on you to demonstrate firstly, the material change and secondly - your plan of care surpasses the status quo arrangement to the benefit of the kids.

Welcome to the forum.
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Old 08-19-2010, 08:45 AM
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Narcissism is an extreme personality disorder, if he is not socializing much and living and working from home then he is not displaying characteristics of it (narcissists are hyper social). Generally we shouldn't try to diagnose our ex's, we aren't nearly objective enough. If his behaviour isn't something you could have investigated, either toward you or toward the children, then you should really let it go and leave it alone. We all have our issues and no one should expect you or anyone else to be perfect.

He has full custody, and the children have primary and full-time residence with him. He is not being unreasonable in sticking to the schedule and whether or not he is still hurt and angry, he being perfectly normal in not agreeing to "flexibility". How do you approach him on this? Do you call spontaneously with an idea for fun things, or do you suggest with a week's notice that you could swap one day for another? Are you respecting that he has a routine and his own plans?

Why aren't you paying any support? He is being reasonable over and above by not seeking child support from you. You are working full time. Is there some reason you think you should not pay support?

Regarding your split and not getting anything from the house, this is sad, but what were the circumstances at the time? The personal issues between you must have gone both ways. In a common law situation there is no splitting of property or assets, you do have a right to your own property, and if you bought something jointly and each paid for it, you should split that value. It's hard to comment without knowing how much you put into the cost of belongings and property.

It's ok just to come here and share if that is what you need, but there doesn't seem to be any real conflict to resolve. Can you isolate what that is?
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Old 08-19-2010, 09:51 AM
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You have the children 28% of the time. You are fortunate he is not pursuing Child Support because it would be automatically awarded if he pushed it.

Child Support is the right of the child, and no judge is going to sign off on an order indicated 0 support. If you had not signed an agreement via lawyers and had to go to court, you would have been much worse off financially.

It sucks that he won't be flexible with you, but without knowing the whole story I'm not going to comment beyond that.

Since you KNOW he's not going to be flexible, why can't you schedule fun things to do with them for the days you have them instead of having to rely on his goodwill.

You can't coparent alone...if he's not willing to work with you, then you have to start making the best of things and working within your existing arrangement.

Welcome to the Forum.
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Old 08-19-2010, 10:54 AM
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Thanks for your reply. To explain better my ex is very difficult. The agreement is such not because he should have full custody but I didn't want us to drag this through court. I guess it is a difficult situation to explain. He literelly wore me down and that is why I agreed to him having sole custody not because he should have it. I was a stay at home for 8 years. But the pain of dealing with my ex was too much. So i agreed only because I wasn't paying support to him. There is no reason for this situation not having joint custody therefore that was the deal. he left me with a huge credit card bill and I had to go on welfare because I had no money. He had cut me off when I left. Another reason is I would have never seen a penny from him as I said earlier he does quiet well but has not paid taxes for years so when we gave our financial disclosure he claimed he was in the hole. Meanwhile I accumulated a huge student loan and incurred the debt he left me. Not exactly fair.

As for the schedule it is fine except that you are talking about a guy that took off with my kids onceand said he wasn't going to return them after my kids had met my bf who I had been dating for 6 months I had to call the police. And he kept the kids from me for 3 weeks this summer when I took them camping canada day long weekend with my bf and his family because we missed their normal scheduled activities. I wouldn't normally miss their activities but this was a nice long weekend. And I asked him more than a month in advance if I could change my holidays to 2 days earlier because we changed our campsite to one more suitable for the kids and he said no and the kids had to miss the first 3 days of our holidays. He tells the kids all kinds of derogatory things about me and even asks my daughter to write down what she doesn't like be me. My ex is a jerk and unfortunatley I made the mistake of signing the agreement to make him happy since he is so miserable in Ottawa. He only lets me talk to my kids on speaker phone and then cuts me up over the phone in front of the kids. Well we signed it and now he is back to his threatening ways to get me to agree to let him take the kids to BC. Which I would never ever agree to. There is no worse pain than emotional and verbal abuse. And I am not complaining the agreement is black and white. it is just sad that we can't have an amicable relationship for the kids sake. I could give 100 examples of the chaos I have to deal with but I am not here to bash him I just want support to help move forward and deal with my circumstances in a positive way for my children.


I am a good Mom to my kids but have had to start from scratch which isn't easy when you have 3 kids while he lives in the laps of luxury. I just graduated from college and have a great guy who has 2 kids whom has a great relationship with his ex. So I have a good example to draw from on what is normal and what is not.
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Old 08-19-2010, 11:51 AM
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You cannot control what other people do. The only person that you can control is yourself. Focus on being a good mom. Kids eventually figure things out. Resist the urge to fight back.
I am coming out of an abusive relationship as well and my ex is doing everything in his power to turn the children against me and make my life miserable. I refuse to let him do this to me; I already had years of abuse.
Get some help through counselling and try and live life to it's fullest.
Stay strong.
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Old 08-19-2010, 12:07 PM
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Thanks for the words of advice!! Despite my ex causing stress for the children I am very happy. i met a great guy who treats me so well and we have a great relationship. We have 5 beautiful children between us and life is good!!

Cheers
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