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Old 06-15-2011, 08:12 AM
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Default Just found out need advice

Good day folks.

I came across this website through doing some research and this seems to be a knowledgeable forum.

So this situation is a little more complex than 2 adults in a relationship deciding to throw away the pill and getting pregnant and then splitting up.

A girl has a 1 night stand and gets pregnant. When she finds out this man is not informed, but another one is (her boyfriend) and is assumed to be the father. A paternity test is done after the birth and he is then found to be not the father. He leaves and isnt very nice about the whole situation.

The girl takes a little time to heal and then tracks down a man she believes is the childs father and asks him to take a paternity test. He has not seen her in a year and has never been notified he may be the dad even though the child is almost 4 months.This guy is pretty nice and understanding and agrees to allow the girl and child the right to know and have some peace of mind.

This guy doesnt trust this girl, and I dont blame him. They live at opposite ends of the country, (Canada is BIG) and have plans for their respective futures. it would be near impossible to raise the kid together, and the father may wish to give the mother full custody voluntarily, given that he was not a part in any of the decisions to have and keep this child other than being the sucker that knocked her up that one night.

Not the best way to start a family. I feel bad for the little kid caught in the middle. Im not about to rearrange everything in my life to be a part of this..


Im looking to find some legal advice soon. The pat test hasnt been scheduled yet but I have a deep feeling im going to be found as the biological dad once its done.

Any thoughts on this issue would be great help!
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Old 06-15-2011, 08:49 AM
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Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
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If you are the father you will be responsible for support, there is no way around it. So brace yourself. Of course it may not have been you, but it seems she is narrowing it down.

Since she is on the other side of the country you won't have your life altered much at the moment other than paying child support. Child support is a legal and moral obligation, just accept it and move on.

The child has a right to know you and know you care, at least a little. Whatever you may feel now about the child, about being a father or about the mother, years from now you will look back and want to know you did the right thing, and you will appreciate that your child knows you and knows the situation and knows you cared and were interested.

So stay in touch, plan visits yearly, send birthday and christmas cards, stay on good terms with mom and in a few years plan some of your vacation time around the child. You can be absent, but don't be a mystery. Part of the development of a human is self-esteem from knowledge that they were loved and were important to their family. You are family.

Speak to your own parents and try to integrate them into all this.
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:00 AM
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For once I have nothing to add...Mess said it very plainly and very eloquently. Best advice you could get. Above all else, stay on good terms w/ Mom if you are the Daddy. Nasty court battle suck the big hairy one. Pay your support on time and in full, and send xmas/birthday gifts.

Sounds like she isn't asking you to be a full time daddy/provider, and if you are cool with that, then by all means play it that way.
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused and lost View Post
...
Not the best way to start a family. I feel bad for the little kid caught in the middle. Im not about to rearrange everything in my life to be a part of this..
Too late for the Daddy! You are a father, an equal parent to the child. You need to live up to your moral obligations to your child. It's not just about you anymore.

Good luck to all of you.
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Old 06-15-2011, 10:17 AM
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Up to 60%+ or more of your net income will gone every month for the next 20+ years. Co- creating and bringing a child into life is a very big deal. Your life as you know it is now over if you are indeed the father and new choices will be in frot of you to navigate. You should find the paternity test out ASAP.
I hope you become an important force in this child's life. The latest outcome research on child development show a sharp decline in realized potential to children that have no father/male guidance and influence( healthy fathers).
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Old 06-15-2011, 12:37 PM
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Sigmeund Freud once said;

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection".

In my opinion, this includes more than just CS obligations.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staysingle View Post
Up to 60%+ or more of your net income will gone every month for the next 20+ years.
Not sure where you get the 60% number from, because unless I misread the guideline figures, most are about 10% of grosse income for c/s for 1 child or about 1/6th of net. So closer to 16%.
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Old 06-15-2011, 03:53 PM
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Thats what the guidelines say, I said " up to 60%+ or more of your income.....". You still need to factor section 7 expenses and possible imputation of income in the future.
There is an army of fathers, HammerDad, that make 80-120 k paying C/S for a couple of children, living in their car!. I would like them to answer your 16% statement ! The "guidelines don't mean shit to many judges. Glad to hear your only paying 16%.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:53 PM
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Once again, Mess, you have said all that needs to be said - and you said it well.

My hat is off to you, Sir.

Cheers!

Gary
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Old 06-15-2011, 06:49 PM
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Nothing could be better than the advice you have recieved from Mess, it makes absolute sense, and will only benefit "your" child in the future.
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