Introductions

[evalazar]

Hi: I'm new on the forum. I have decided to leave my husband of 12 years (together for 20). I'm fairly well employed but very worried about how to go about leaving in order to ensure I don't jeopardize my entitlement to the equity in the family home, and acceptable custody arrangements for my two children (6 year old daughter and 11 year old son).

The reasons for leaving are complex, but mostly stem from a very involved affair he had four years ago (now over), from which I never recovered. Plus I guess just day to day living is unpleasant with him at this point. We are not in love and I want out. There are no other people involved at this point.

I would like to move out with my daughter and rent a small home near her school and my work. My son is much closer with my husband, and the family home is close to his school. My husband is quite attached to the family home. I'm not.

I'm worried about moving out and any perception of abandonment of the home, or my son (I would take my daughter with me). I have written my husband a letter expressing my intentions, and will also speak to him. I hope this will make things go smoothly. He is very conflictual and argumentative (he's a lawyer himself), so I'm worried he will throw up many roadblocks and threats to my leaving.

Does anybody out there (living in Ontario) have insights on this? The only good part about all of this is that I'm not in emotional turmoil. It's taken me years to make this decision, and so I'm at peace with it.

Thanks.

-Eva

[About_Time]

My biggest piece of advice to you is to NOT leave the home until you've talked to a lawyer, which you should do IMMEDIATELY. Seriously. Turn off the computer and go make an appointment right now.

Explain the situation to the lawyer and they will advise you as to the best way to proceed. I'm sure others here will have more specific advice, but what you do right off the bat when ending a marriage has critical repercussions for the entire rest of the ordeal. Lawyer up fast, put on a helmet and hold on tight.

Good luck.

[evalazar]

In fact, I have done that (also decided to not advance the lease application). I will be speaking to a lawyer this afternoon. I have a question for you though. Do you live in Ontario? My understanding is that it does not matter who dissolves the marriage in terms of settling the divorce...But perhaps I am jumping the gun. I will not leave the family home before speaking to a lawyer. I guess after so many years of making this decision, I am desperate to move out and move on....

[billm]

It seems to me that you are in the process of discussing this with your husband, so why don't you give that a chance and tell him that you intend to go through wtih this, what you want (seems like you put that in a letter), and that you want to have a legal separation agreement prepared before you move out and that it has to be done asap. If he is conflictual, you have to keep thing simple and not digress and reiterate what you are planning. If you present to him that you intend to fully cooperate to fairly in both emotions and finance end the marriage and that you would rather work with him than against him, you will be giving him the choice to be fair and minimize the damage to both of you. Just be simple, straight forward, open to negotiation, and deal with him as directly as possible, but in the end get your agreement in writing before making changes to your life.

On a personal note, I am sorry that you see no other choice then to break up your family - splitting your daughter from her brother does not seem like a fair thing to do to the kids, but neither is divorce when they are so young. But I digress...

[evalazar]

Thanks for your advice. Actually, I have not discussed this with my husband. What I have done is written a letter, which I will give to him. Then I'd like a discussion. The reason for the letter is because he is so conflictual he is likely to shut me down and yell at me, and I will not be able to explain what I have decided. I am hoping the letter is both gentle and emphatic enough to finally get this separation process started. However, I have decided to speak to a lawyer first about getting a separation agreement, and the best way of leaving the family home without long term jeopardy. I don't want to live there, but right now my name is jointly on the mortgage with my husband and I would like the equity in order to someday (in a year or so) purchase my own home.

The reason I am separating the kids (or asking him to agree to this) is because my son has some serious emotional problems. He is on meds, but he is extremely aggressive, swears a lot, and generally makes life for my daughter very, very difficult. He was a very difficult infant (cried all day and night for four years), so this isn't a new phenomenon and it probably not linked to our bad marriage. In fact, my husband and I rarely argue in front of him and are quite respectful towads each other and him, so there is something more chemical at the root of his problems. When my husband and I discussed separating four years ago (after his affair), we did discuss that it might be best to separate the children so that my son has "full time" attention, and my daughter could grow up in peace. So while this is a bit unusual, it is probably in the best interest of both children.

[rwhitten]

If there is abuse, please disregard, my next comments.

I have never heard of a person leaving the MAT home getting a fair shake in court. The question of responsibility for the marriage ending always sways in the favour of the person who stayed...as does the lions share of the shared property.

When the dust settles and the money has been split up, there is always a slighted party and there will be a fight to retreive absolutely every peice of property that carries personal value from pictures to flatware.

Stay in control ... stay in the house.

Good luck, stay well.