Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2014, 02:39 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Proudpapa2014 is on a distinguished road
Default Introduction and my story

Hello,

Well it looks like I'm finally at the end of my rope. I have been trying to work things out between me and my baby's mother, but it simply doesn't appear to be something we're going to be able to do on our own without help. Initially I thought my situation was pretty unique, however after doing additional research I have found that it's actually almost identical to the situation of Cavannah v. Johne 2008:

Cavannah v. Johne 2008 Ont. S.C.J. ?Maximum Contact Rule Prevails? Toronto Family Lawyer Blog

In that situation the mother and father met at a wedding and dated for a few months. The woman discovered she was pregnant. The two people lived a couple of hours drive away from each other, so visitation was difficult. Their relationship didn't last up to the pregnancy and the father fought for partial custody. He was awarded three days per week when the child was one year of age.

My child is under a year old and I have a parenting agreement with the mother. We live over an hour away from each other. Our parenting agreement specifies no fixed visitation, instead the visitation should be unrestricted with 48 hours notice. Since our child was born I have recieved almost no information unless I have asked specifially. The relationship between myself and the mother is breaking down rapidly. It is very hard to get up to see my son, and she has declined to allow me to visit several times even though I have provided in excess of 48 hours due to "prior plans." I am concerned that I won't be able to make a case for custody in one year's time when our parenting agreement expires because she is breast feeding and I cannot move to the same city she lives in with our son.

I am desperate for advice.
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2014, 03:37 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,327
Beachnana is on a distinguished road
Default

Send her a full year parenting plan with specific times and dates. Ask her to respond with any changes she wants. Make sure you share the major holidays, birthdays etc fairly. Give her full details of your plans. Give her a date to respond by and see what happens.

Then, if she fails to respond to your reasonable offer you will have some grounds for future costs.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2014, 04:08 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 721
Straittohell is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

If you have documented, regular incidents of her denying you access as requested, and you can demonstrate effort and cost to visit your son, it can hurt her case a year from now if you guys end up in court.

That being said, court sucks. You should email her and tell her that you are not interested in going to court, but that the current situation is not acceptable. Provide her with a full year of planned visits, just like Beachnana suggested. Advise her that failure to respond at all, or failure to allow reasonable access, will leave you with no choice but to pursue the matter in court.

Are you currently paying child support? Make sure that there is no drama around that detail before you go anywhere near a courthouse.

I think that overall, you need to look past one-off visits and ask yourself what role you want to play in your son's life for the next 18 years. How often do you want to see him? What amount of influence in decision making do you want to have? Does the parenting plan with his mother sufficiently address that? Have you signed away any of your sons rights to an involved father already?

Even if you sort visits for the next 3.5 years, you will still have to deal with the reality of school when he starts going. It has the potential for your child's mother to further disrupt your access. ("No, you can't visit junior this Wednesday during your day off, he has school, oh, and he has swimming lessons after", etc...)

Did you give her sole custody? Are you wanting a role in deciding his future religion and education?

These are things that you need to think past. If you're just going to be a visitor and a presence that sits just outside of his life, and you are okay with that, then you may not have much to worry about. If you are wanting to be so much more, than you need to look past this specific issue.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2014, 06:34 PM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

Whatever you do make sure you start acting quickly. The status quo becomes your enemy very quickly.... Any time you do not legally contest the occurrence of something it is implied that you agree with it.

Also, leave nothing to giving her the last say - she will just automatically fall back to it.

If you have a legal agreement for visitation with 48hour notice depending on how it is written it might be very good. If she is not abiding by the agreement repeatedly you can file a motion for contempt.

Who is to say you can't give 48 hour notice and keep the child for a week?

Oh yeah, also if you want to be a father to the child (and not a weekend entertainer/ATM that can be removed by the mother deciding to move far away for reason X) then get shared residency.

Last edited by Links17; 08-29-2014 at 06:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2014, 07:36 PM
mcdreamy's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,410
mcdreamy is on a distinguished road
Default

(1) have you completed a dna test to establish paternity?

(2) just to confirm, there was no marriage or common-law between you and the mother?;

(3) if you wish to successfully maintain a solid, long term relationship with your child, you will need to move closer to your child. Why are you an hour away? If your child is going to be a priority for you and you intend to raise him/her equally, you will want be in the area that they are - the region, the school district, their extra-curricular activities, their friends, etc.; and, lastly:

(4) breastfeeding means nothing to parent access, in most situations there are alternatives (pumping and freezing breast milk, formula, etc.). You need to move past that tender years doctrine that you are currently apparently agreeing with, and move quickly.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 04-17-2015, 10:15 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Proudpapa2014 is on a distinguished road
Default

Sorry for not replying to this previously. I guess I had just hoped we would be able to be adults about this and do what's best for our son. This is looking more and more like that's not the case. Here is an update:

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
(1) have you completed a dna test to establish paternity?

(2) just to confirm, there was no marriage or common-law between you and the mother?;
No I have not had a DNA test performed, and we were never married or common law.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
(3) if you wish to successfully maintain a solid, long term relationship with your child, you will need to move closer to your child. Why are you an hour away? If your child is going to be a priority for you and you intend to raise him/her equally, you will want be in the area that they are - the region, the school district, their extra-curricular activities, their friends, etc.; and, lastly:
The mother and I dated briefly before she became pregnant. I have no ties to the city she lives in other than my son, and no source of income if I was to move there. Jobs in my field are scarce where she lives, and while I would rather spend all the time possible with my son the reality is that I need to work in order to provide for them, moving there would be kissing my career goodbye.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
(4) breastfeeding means nothing to parent access, in most situations there are alternatives (pumping and freezing breast milk, formula, etc.). You need to move past that tender years doctrine that you are currently apparently agreeing with, and move quickly.

Every lawyer I have spoken to has told me I can pretty much forget about joint custody as long as she is breastfeeding. Our son is now coming up on one year old and she is returning to work with no choice but to stop breastfeeding, our current parenting agreement is set to expire and it's time to change things up. To date I have asked to babysit, extend our visits, take him away from her house occasionally etc. She has denied all of these offers and requests, I have these denials in writing.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 04-17-2015, 10:54 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Proudpapa2014 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
If you have documented, regular incidents of her denying you access as requested, and you can demonstrate effort and cost to visit your son, it can hurt her case a year from now if you guys end up in court.

That being said, court sucks. You should email her and tell her that you are not interested in going to court, but that the current situation is not acceptable. Provide her with a full year of planned visits, just like Beachnana suggested. Advise her that failure to respond at all, or failure to allow reasonable access, will leave you with no choice but to pursue the matter in court.

Are you currently paying child support? Make sure that there is no drama around that detail before you go anywhere near a courthouse.

Hi Straittohell,

I have never missed a child support payment. Our son is coming up on one year old, she has full custody. I gave her full custody on advice from an attorney who assured me that as long as she was breast feeding I could not get joint custody. He said there was not a judge in the world that would take a thriving baby and then order the mother to pump milk. I felt that the mother having custody for the first year as she was breast feeding was best for all involved particularly since she was on maternity leave. I also (it would appear stupidly/ Naively) believed that if we started off on the right foot we could co-parent together and focus on what's best for our son. I am now deeply concerned that we have established a status-quo which may be difficult to break even though the situation has now changed - namely she will shortly be returning to work and will not be breastfeeding anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
I think that overall, you need to look past one-off visits and ask yourself what role you want to play in your son's life for the next 18 years. How often do you want to see him? What amount of influence in decision making do you want to have? Does the parenting plan with his mother sufficiently address that? Have you signed away any of your sons rights to an involved father already?
I'm not sure what you mean about signed away any of my rights to be an involved father, we signed a parenting agreement which specified our visitation schedule, our son's primary residence, and custody arrangement which was for one year and would be renegotiated at the end of the year.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
Even if you sort visits for the next 3.5 years, you will still have to deal with the reality of school when he starts going. It has the potential for your child's mother to further disrupt your access. ("No, you can't visit junior this Wednesday during your day off, he has school, oh, and he has swimming lessons after", etc...)

Did you give her sole custody? Are you wanting a role in deciding his future religion and education?





These are things that you need to think past. If you're just going to be a visitor and a presence that sits just outside of his life, and you are okay with that, then you may not have much to worry about. If you are wanting to be so much more, than you need to look past this specific issue.
Yes, she has sole custody, but that agreement is expiring now. I would like to be a father, even if it's only on the weekends. I don't mind her having final say on medical, educational issues etc, but I would like to be consulted as a parent.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 04-17-2015, 07:20 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,327
Beachnana is on a distinguished road
Default

Ok, so I understand you career is important but why can you not move 30 mins closer to,your son?

30 mins you can do drop offs and pick ups from school. You can share i mthe driving for hockey, soceer etc.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2015, 02:26 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Proudpapa2014 is on a distinguished road
Default

The ironic thing is that his mother doesn't even work where she lives, and actually commutes an hour TOWARDS me in order to get to work. To think that if I moved to where she lives and there was an emergency at day care while we were at work we would both be over 70 kilometers away.

This person is completely unreasonable. To give you an example:

She works shift work and regularly will be required to work overnight. She has found a 24/7 day care. Her plan for working a night shift is to drop our son off before work, work through the night, come home, sleep for two hours, take care of our son all day, then drop our son off again at the day care at night and start the whole cycle over again.

It is simply psychotic to believe a person can take care of a one year old that is full of energy after being up all night on two hours of sleep.

Keep in mind, I am willing and able to take care of our son and she just refuses to accept my help. Additionally, she actually feels that our first years' parenting agreement was too flexible in terms of visits, and she wants to move to a fixed schedule.

This person is simply a lunatic.....
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Introduction and my story Just-me Introductions 7 05-15-2014 03:23 PM
Introduction 007 Introductions 2 12-01-2011 03:02 PM
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously (TCS) WorkingDAD Parenting Issues 0 10-18-2011 03:08 PM
Introduction Laurie Wilde Introductions 0 10-26-2009 09:37 PM
introduction 8isenough Introductions 4 10-22-2009 08:23 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:09 AM.