Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 08:59 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5
Just-me is on a distinguished road
Default Introduction and my story

I am the step dad of a great little boy and loving wife. Our problems come from her Ex. He was a emotionally abusive and controlling before my wife was able to break free of him. She had full custody as he wanted nothing to do with his Son. While we dated it used to break my heart seeing the little guy sitting on the steps waiting for his Dad who never showed up to get him on scheduled visits. We always found something fun to do to get his mind off it. As I am seeing now our mistake was softening the blow for him saying maybe your dad is working or something came up. He would seldom give a reason as to why he was a no show but the norm seemed to be not show up/text/call but a few weeks later send an angry email or leave a voicemail about how his access is being blocked and she will be sorry. The answer usually was come and get him this weekend then to make up for it and he would disappear again.

Fast forward to Jan 2011 My wife and Step-son and I are living in Ontario and her Ex was across the country. We had a separation agreement that was pretty well spelt out and approved by him and the court. We would fly him back over spring break, Christmas and Summer vacation up to 5 weeks. The actually time spent with the visits was currently close to 5 Times the actually time he spent with him before we left BC. So he had more access before which was a problem because we heard right from day one I don't want him this March break so I am going to stop paying child support. It was a fight to get him to accept and see his son. First Christmas went fine. In March he didn't want to see him then after a while he said ok. Summer break he only saw him for 2 weeks instead of the 5 weeks. Even during those weeks he had my wife come and pick him up for once because he all the sudden had to work. Our son said he was itchy and sore and we learned he was wearing the same pair of underwear for 3 days because his dad said he couldn't afford to do his wash that was his mom's job. (I'll add he did a load of his own during this time and couldn't at least put in a pair or two of underwear in). He spent the next week complaining he doesn't know how to take care of child and he has no money the kid has ate him out of house and home we were shocked how much weight our little boy lost in the two weeks he was there.

After they got back from this trip he stopped paying child support stopped talking to his son never answered emails never showed up for weekly Skype phone calls just disappeared from the face of the earth. In order to book plane tickets over the Christmas break we need to book them early so we contacted him or tried to remind him that he to let us know the date he is able to take his Son 3 months in advance. We got that he was homeless in a men's shelter living out of his car because he is to depressed to work. This was when we needed to contact a lawyer for advice. The advice was contract FRO to get support payments started (it was only $150 a month) and that his email according to agreement that stated he needed to give us his time to book the tickets so we could take advantage of sales he had let us know 3 months before the scheduled time. So went about our life we booked some tickets to stay with my wife's family and they planned a big gathering with children and cousins our little guy hasn't seen in years.

In late November FRO contacted the ex about missing support payments. This set off two things first out of the blue we had the police show up for a welfare check because the Ex said it has been months since he heard from him. We had been keeping a log and showed them no phone calls the un-answered Skype calls from his end and no email has been incoming in months. The police left with a good idea and said we got it a dead beat dad trying to cause issues. he started to call my Wife's cell phone leaving messages about his lawyer and she will pay big time for blocking his access. In the meantime he still never replied to his son's email or showed up to answer his Skype calls. A week later we got an email that he demanded to see his son as it was his right. Since we were in BC for 6 days anyways the lawyer said we should try to give him at least half of that time but we would need to make sure he wasn't living in a car and sign a paper that he would return him on time for us to make our flights. That wasn't good enough he wanted 10 days total. It was explained that we were here for only 6 days and you could have access for 3 including Christmas eve, day and boxing day. He was sending a whole bunch of emails that didn't make sense he was still in his apartment still had a job and car nothing was the different his is fine he demands to see his son. Our lawyer at the time was worried there was something not right by the emails we got his response was so off topic he worried about his returning our son in time to catch our flight. All he had to do was sign a paper to say he would return him on time on the date agreed upon. He wouldn't stating he was entitled to 10 days the agreement said alternating Christmas eve each year and the time would separated depending on the vacation time. So that year the max allowed would of been 5 - 4 days according to the agreement. At this point our son didn't want to go to see his Dad he was not privy to the fighting or the lawyer's etc and his dad still hadn't contacted him the only contact he in 4 - 5 months was a police officer saying your dad wants you to call him. Which his Son had been doing every Sunday for months. Our son is 10 at this point and one night he grabs his Ipod goes to his room and it's all odd we can here him getting upset so his mom goes to stand at the door and hears his dad telling him that don't be scared the police will be picking him up as soon as he gets off the plane in BC and likely arresting his mom so he will be living with him. That was enough the call ended and our son was in tears he didn't want to go to BC anymore he didn't want to see his DAD any more.

Once again his Dad disappeared until Jan of 2013 we get a email saying here is his new number it's local. Our heart sinks to be safe my wife goes to our son's school to remind them that his Dad is not allowed to pick our son up from school. She doesn't even make it home has to pull over when the school called her because he ex called the school wanted to pick up his son ASAP and that put the school into a lock down it was an odd request and he was shouting saying he was coming and bringing the police and team of lawyers they had better release his son to him. We went that day to obtain a local lawyer. Two days later we are served he wants majority custody and his primary residence will be with him he won't be paying child support because he is on Long term disability with depression from lack of access to his son. We were floored. Someone with no home no job claiming to be too depressed to work wanting 60-40 split on custody it became clear it was about money as he wanted us to pay him child support he already tried to claim he had one dependant in his welfare needs and he had obtained a legal aid lawyer.

Here we are today his legal aid lawyer dropped him because he lied about his situation to them. He is still homeless hasn't looked for work still claiming he is too depressed. His depression claim was denied we can't be sure but think his Ontario Works has been cut off this month. He won't respond to my wife's lawyer yet makes such outlandish stupid demands our legal fee's are crazy just in replies. Yet is intent on taking this to trial his words he will make my wife rue the day she ever left him and knows he wont win but try to crawl out from what I cost you I'll be somewhere you will never find me. Once again all verbal so you can't really prove he said that.

I have heard or ex's going on welfare to make sure they don't pay child support but has anyone ever had to deal with such a thing where someone is battling for custody with no real effort to see his child has no job hasn't looked for work is claiming to depressed to work?

Our Lawyers have been great in cutting costs and trying their best to keep things in check. The Child advocate has tried his best to mediate this out but when her ex shows up starts screaming yes actual screaming about his rights and get so upset that when the Child advocate says if you were to find work and a stable home you would be able to see your son more often then once a week. He doesn't see it that way. Getting a job means he has to pay child support so that's a no. Once he gets the 60-40 he may look for work because he feels then he won't have to pay.

Two things I am sad that family court can let this even start in the first place he has made no effort to better himself and no effort to better his situation to see his son some more if this was about his son. yet we have a trial management conference coming up and trail date set in the fall.

2nd I am sad that Ontario works has been for almost a year and half now paying him to stay here he is drawing pay from them. I am shocked that 3 weeks after he quit his job that he was able to get a Ontario works, his first Ontario works payment was on Jan 10 he quit his job on the Dec 18th. He has made no effort to work or even look for work. The last place Ontario works set him up in he hooked up his x-box and renewed his Gold subscription.
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 09:25 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,702
DowntroddenDad will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just-me View Post
snipped for length
Two things I am sad that family court can let this even start in the first place he has made no effort to better himself and no effort to better his situation to see his son some more if this was about his son. yet we have a trial management conference coming up and trail date set in the fall.

2nd I am sad that Ontario works has been for almost a year and half now paying him to stay here he is drawing pay from them. I am shocked that 3 weeks after he quit his job that he was able to get a Ontario works, his first Ontario works payment was on Jan 10 he quit his job on the Dec 18th. He has made no effort to work or even look for work. The last place Ontario works set him up in he hooked up his x-box and renewed his Gold subscription.

You have to learn to let go.

It is commendable that you care for your step son. I understand you want the best for him.

But blaming and hating the biological father is not going to help him one iota. You can't change the biological father, you can't make him be a better dad. And while you may think you isolate your hate from your step son, trust me, he will feel it, and he will be conflicted about it. And that doesn't help him.

Access and support payments should never be related. Whatever access he has should be facilitated, even if you have to go out of your way, because the child should have access to his father. That is what is best for the child.

The fact that he is on Ontario works is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You are not the recipient of the support payments. You aren't a doctor, you don't know if he is depressed. How you know about his xbox subscription makes me shake my head.

Get your focus off the ex. Get your focus on the child and do what you can to give the child access to his father. The money clearly isn't a lot, but despite your protests to the contrary you seem focussed on it.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 10:15 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5
Just-me is on a distinguished road
Default

I thank you for your time to reply. We have gone above and beyond to make sure access is available to him and his Son. Once a week we drive his son to visit him in a local library because as the courts have said visiting his Dad in a men's shelter or a group shared home is not appropriate setting for his Son. I feel no hate I am just flabbergasted by all this. He moved to be close to his son well that is great. Did he contact us and say hey I am living her lets work out an access plan? He went right to the courts will not agree to mediate anything has been asked several times to go wont even answer lawyers or Child advocate. Finally got to one where he was screaming at everyone in the room.

His Ontario Works plays a part in fact his is claiming a mental disorder where he is unable to work and care for himself yet able to have a child for 60% of the time. That is why it relevant. There has never been joint custody always sole to his ex wife.

We do not focus on the money as it was little other then the lawyer fee's from his tactics.

As for Xbox how do we know he claimed he was unable to see his Son at a visit My son gets home gets on Xbox and comes upstairs to say his dad is playing Xbox. Online multiplayer which needs Gold. We suggested he sends him a message to talk which our son says he got offline.

Right now the courts and Child advocate have both stated that his living conditions and medical conditions he claims he is suffering from that no additional access is warranted and to change from the current agreement once a week in the library. Which we show up for rain or shine snow storm but Dad has trouble doing the same.

Let me be clear not once have we cut off the access or not showed up to the agreed upon place. Several times in the past year and half he has not showed up or sent a very late email with an excuse to make it. At the first court appearance before child advocate was assigned he was told that maybe a local gym would be better to visit his son in. His reply was there isn't anything to do at the gym. So it has been library his choice.

Our focus has and always will be on the our son first and foremost but sadly the same can't be said about the ex.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 10:46 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,702
DowntroddenDad will become famous soon enough
Default

You can't change or control his behaviour. You can only be responsible for your own behaviour. So why get yourself worked up about it.

Mental health is a subject I'm well acquainted with. It isn't a simple yes or no situation, mental health is a spectrum issue, and if he gets the right diagnosis, treatment, counselling and drugs, he might be able to be a better parent. But it is very important to realize that he can't be forced to get that help, he has to seek it on his own, and sometimes it takes hitting bottom to get to the point where he will realize he needs to accept help.

Custody and Access are separate issues. Custody in a legal sense is about decision making, and clearly sole custody is best at this time. Access is about time together.

Many people with mental health issues that are under control with counselling, therapy and drugs can and do parent. (My ex is an example, so I do know what I am talking about). If he is asking for increased access, counter with an offer of increasing access in graduated steps. Clearly he can't do overnights today, but he might be able to at some point. Does he have any relatives who could help facilitate? And it shouldn't go from an hour or two to an overnight, again, it should ramp up.

My GF's ex is diagnosed with a serious mental illness. At the moment, he is on his drugs, working, and is a great dad to his kids. He does do overnights, and for the most part, his kids don't see him acting out, though he does occasionally have issues with my GF.

Understand that mental illness is a very complex issue. There are often chemical factors, psychological factors, that are just as much out of his control as they are out of your control.

Be there for your step son. Be supportive, be there to listen. Be compassionate, not flabbergasted. That is in the best interests of your step son.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 11:34 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5
Just-me is on a distinguished road
Default

We know we can't change or control we do our best. When we are at visitation night and her ex decided to avoid his son approach his ex wife and start a huge commotion in the library right in front of his son. His commotions usually make little sense and it was about blame this was all my wife's fault. Those are the issue we wish to avoid right now. It's upsetting to everyone but it is an issue we have had happen several times the past year.

I understand that Mental health is an issue and that it isn't all cookie cutter everyone falls into a mold. Our issue is that he has a big story of this ongoing issue. He has been battling since he was little child. A big story about being on med's the entire time his was married and that his wife left him because of the depression. None of what his ex can confirm as true as unless his hid this from her he was never on meds when they were married. But I am not a doctor I know. The medical forms released to us via the opening case conference were eye opening not much true and conflicting he lost his job he quit I'd say hard to diagnose when story is different in the notes of the 3 sessions.

Since then he isn't on Med's since the doctor released him due to not being honest or supporting his prior claims with records from BC. The last note was about manipulating the system then the rest was blacked out better by his legal aid lawyer at the time.

What I fear is anyone can Say I am depressed and some of us are and some of us may not be. I am not a doctor. We have been asking for medical records because he has said he is going to ongoing treatment but he isn't forthcoming and we have to file a motion to get those reports because as from what we can tell he hasn't been seeing a doctor so there is no treatment going on.

We have been advised to not increase the time after his last outbreak in front of the Child advocate he was shaking and has had a history of drug use (been in rehab) the Child advocate said before any access is increased or changed he recommends we get some medical records. He said mediation is a bust and see's no other way because of his actions then for the court to decide access.

Yes I understand Custody and access are two different issues the Judge at both CC said she doesn't see Custody changing the child is almost 13 Dad has shown poor judgment in his actions for the past few years and since he has been here so she see no reason to change status quo.

Before the most recent setback we had pushed for access at the gym or other better access for him for longer because it would be better for our Son but he is happy with his Hour that's all he wants and usually gets there late and leaves early.

If I may ask how did you handle the outburst of your ex? Assuming she had them? My wife would say as she always does your access is with your son please use the most of this time with him. At least once and some times twice he never stops when he gets like that and she would leave.

Once again we are both there for our son we are both active parents in his life in fact all this week we haven't had a night off every single night has been sports or some function Dance or Visitation session for him. He really wants me to coach his ball hockey team next year. He does well and school and is just entering the awesome (sarcasm) teenage years. We are supportive of his access time and often he doesn't want to go we encourage it.

We fear once this hits the trial his dad will disappear yet again as his MO.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 12:58 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5
Just-me is on a distinguished road
Default

Hmm I posted a reply but it said needed to be approved now it's gone
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 01:17 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5
Just-me is on a distinguished road
Default

We don't expect him to change it's gone on to long for that what we hope for is management. I am not worked up over it at all. We just wish his access with his Son he would focus on his Son. We are tired of the big commotions he brings up during visitations in front of his son to where we have to leave early because he can't focus. These usually are very odd fights he picks he usually acts like my wife started the court case and she could end it. it feels like a show now that I think about it with him playing the victim to his Son and the people around him. He in an email to our lawyer admitted to talking about the case with his Son and his son understands what is going on. It's likely a lie and he hasn't but it's just what we deal with.

Mental health issues he has stated have been a life long battle and he endured then all through his marriage. My wife has said he was never on any meds for depression the entire time there were together. So is he or isn't we have no documented proof of it one way or the other.

I understand custody and access are different we pushed for longer access at the gym before the last blow up he had in front of lawyers this would of been better for our son. He is happy with his hour a week doesn't want more in fact he is seldom there for the full hour anyways.

As far as we know he is not on any drugs or seeking any medical help for his confessed condition so I am glad your GF's Ex is seeking treatment we would find that awesome if he even made an effort for help to better his life for the sake of his son.

We are very supportive of our son and we are both very involved parents. We both attend his functions. We have him in sports and other activities and this week alone we haven't had a night off and still ongoing with our Son's various activities. He knows he has his Mom's and my support and really wants me to coach his ball hockey team next year even if I was to make him play forward instead of defense. A discussion we often have.

We are supportive of his access time and often doesn't want to go and are supportive so he does.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 03:23 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,702
DowntroddenDad will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just-me View Post
We don't expect him to change it's gone on to long for that what we hope for is management. I am not worked up over it at all. We just wish his access with his Son he would focus on his Son. We are tired of the big commotions he brings up during visitations in front of his son to where we have to leave early because he can't focus. These usually are very odd fights he picks he usually acts like my wife started the court case and she could end it. it feels like a show now that I think about it with him playing the victim to his Son and the people around him. He in an email to our lawyer admitted to talking about the case with his Son and his son understands what is going on. It's likely a lie and he hasn't but it's just what we deal with.

Mental health issues he has stated have been a life long battle and he endured then all through his marriage. My wife has said he was never on any meds for depression the entire time there were together. So is he or isn't we have no documented proof of it one way or the other.

I understand custody and access are different we pushed for longer access at the gym before the last blow up he had in front of lawyers this would of been better for our son. He is happy with his hour a week doesn't want more in fact he is seldom there for the full hour anyways.

As far as we know he is not on any drugs or seeking any medical help for his confessed condition so I am glad your GF's Ex is seeking treatment we would find that awesome if he even made an effort for help to better his life for the sake of his son.

We are very supportive of our son and we are both very involved parents. We both attend his functions. We have him in sports and other activities and this week alone we haven't had a night off and still ongoing with our Son's various activities. He knows he has his Mom's and my support and really wants me to coach his ball hockey team next year even if I was to make him play forward instead of defense. A discussion we often have.

We are supportive of his access time and often doesn't want to go and are supportive so he does.
I still think you aren't getting it.

You can't control him. You can't manage him. Only he can do that, and if he is mentally ill, things that you and I find easy are very difficult for him. Even when someone who is mentally ill seeks help, it can take months or years to get a proper diagnosis.

People who are mentally ill didn't ask to be that way. They can't always control their behaviours.

You have to learn to accept that there are things you cannot change or manage.

All you can do is be supportive of your step son, and supportive of him seeing his father.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
New here - Introduction SingleDad12 Introductions 10 09-05-2012 11:32 PM
Introduction SingingDad Introductions 0 04-02-2012 11:23 AM
Introduction 007 Introductions 2 12-01-2011 03:02 PM
Introduction to Taking Children Seriously (TCS) WorkingDAD Parenting Issues 0 10-18-2011 03:08 PM
introduction 8isenough Introductions 4 10-22-2009 08:23 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:05 AM.