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Old 08-15-2013, 12:06 PM
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Default Intro and weird situation my appologies for the length

Ok first post, have been lurking for a long time. A brief (long) background and then a question.

We were married for 16 years, ex was a student for all of those years. Ex took many extra years to get his PhD in physics. Yes I married a student. His income was student loans, TA work, lab work and some teaching at University level and a part time job in a grocery store. Not all at once but over the years.

I stayed home with our two daughters D1 18 and D2 16 for 10 years and ran a home daycare. We did ok financially but we were paying University tuition for 16 years, so yes it was tight. I took a one year admin course and got an admin job when the kids were older.


We separated in September of 2010, it was pretty amicable and ex stayed in the basement for a year while we cleared up some of the debt, and ex got used to the idea of going our separate ways.

When our oldest was 12 she was diagnosed with Aspergerís and we self-diagnosed the ex. There was no equity in the house, purchased house July 2010, and we decided that I would keep the house and the kids would live there, and ex would get an apartment, the mortgage and dead are still in both of our names and when the term is up we will transfer it all to me and he will get nothing. I have been paying mortgage and upkeep since Ex moved out, we split the bills when ex lived in the basement.

We had no assets to speak of and the kids were 16 and 14 when ex moved out. Access was open, ex could see the kids whenever. The oldest ended up moving to exís apartment because it was a block from her high school (I would have done the same thing, rolls out of bed 20 mins before class). Ex comes over to the house at least once a week to do his laundry and visit with youngest, she also goes over to the apartment some. Kids have keys to both homes. Ex is also invited over for all holidays and birthdays and spends the night on Christmas eve. (Amicable, I treat ex like a favorite relative; the kids wanted it this way and we just make it work)

Both kids have part time jobs now and ex and I both have to make plans to spend any time with them.

Our incomes are almost equal, 42,000 ish. Ex pays me what ex calls support (ex came up with the amount and pays based on the two kids even though one lives with ex) Ex says that it is not child support or spousal support. Ex deposits this money into an account we still hold together (mortgage account). Ex started paying less when oldest turned 18 and school ended for the year, $588 down to $360. Ex comes up with the calculation himself?

We did not split up our debt equally, (It was student debt for PhD) I had trouble swallowing that but we did use student loans to live on as a family. I took 12,000 of the debt and ex took 24,000. This is aprox.


When ex is struggling financially, I tell ex not to pay me anything, ex insists on eventually paying. I also donít believe there should any support because our incomes are so close, ex insists. Ex also splits with me the cost of the girlís expenses. I guess you would call them section 7. Ex requires me to supply a list with the dates and from which of my accounts or credit card the item was purchased form, no receipts just the list? And then calculates how much ex has spent on D1 and then spits it evenly and pays me any that ex feels is owed.


We do have a separation agreement, we created it ourselves, it is not signed. In it ex has written up his crazy support payment plan. Ex explains that this is topping me up now so I wonít go after ex when ex gets a good job and has money and it is covering exís behind? (Waited 16 years for that to happen not holding my breath) Ex is still covered on my work benefits and does take some expensive meds. My benefits will cut him off when we divorce. This is the only reason I have not filed. Ex doesnít want any part of my pension (4 years of my pension) that ex is eligible to split and wrote that into the agreement.

I feel this is an unusual separation situation, my question is: should I be concerned, I feel vulnerable?
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Old 08-15-2013, 01:02 PM
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So basically, you have two children, one lives with each of you, and you both have comparable incomes.

Why is the ex paying you any support at all? Yes you are vulnerable.

You have a house with no equity. Your ex is paying half the mortgage and insurance, and then is going to sign the entire thing over to you once it is paid off.

Why is the ex giving you the house for nothing? Yes you are vulnerable.

What should be happening is, you have split custody and comparable incomes, so there should be no support paid.

You are living in a house that belongs 1/2 half to the ex. You should be paying him rent. Effectively, 1/2 market rent subtracted from the the mortgage, tax, and insurance on the house. The net amount is owed by you to him.

You should be buying him out of the home. It is very unusual to have NO equity. Take a closer look. Then once you buy him out, you pay 100% of the costs of YOUR home.

You are vulnerable but it seems your ex naive and you are able to take advantage of that.
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Old 08-15-2013, 09:57 PM
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I can't see any possible way to make this situation better than it is now. Of course things will change - you find another man, your ex finds a woman, one of you fell chronically ill or die. If something happens, you two can start thinking how to adjust your relationship/finances to that particular situation. Completely useless to start writing a list of things which can happen in the future, because life is more creative than any of you. So just enjoy it.
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Old 08-15-2013, 10:27 PM
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Well, hope for the best, of course, but plan for the worst.

If/when he gets his degree and a better paying job, you would technically be entitled to ask for spousal support from him, as you supported him through all of that education, with the expectation that it would benefit you later on.

If/when your incomes are no longer about the same, one of you will owe the other child support.

Things may be amicable right now, but probably the single biggest thing that can screw that up is a new relationship for one of you. A new relationship is very likely to topple the delicate balance you have right now. If he got a new girlfriend, he may suddenly want to keep the money he'd previously been paying you. Or if you got a new relationship, he may suddenly get uncooperative out of jealousy.

I would recommend doing up a separation agreement that lays things out in a fair, default way. Sign it, and then deviate from it all you like. At least it's there to fall back on if you need it.
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Old 08-16-2013, 09:09 AM
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Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
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Old 08-16-2013, 09:16 AM
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Completely agree with Rioe. If I had to bet, my guess is he might still be thinking there is a chance of getting back together. Hence, why he's giving you the money that he is. If and when you start to see someone else, that will likely all change...my ex even stopped paying child support when he discovered I was seeing someone. Your signed sa will be important.
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Old 08-16-2013, 09:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
As a co-owner of property he is entitled to 50% of the equity. He still owns half the house. He will claim the money he is giving you is his share of the mortgage.

Eventually when the house has to be sold he gets half.

If you don't want that to happen you need to buy him out now.
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Old 08-16-2013, 09:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
Whether or not you think he needs to give you money, the children deserve the financial support.

And while concentrating on the kids for now is fine, at some point you would and should want to have a relationship again. And the kids need to see you in a healthy relationship.

Get a separation agreement signed and witnessed. The actual divorce filing isn't needed unless you want to remarry.
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:07 AM
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Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
So you are going to exploit the fantasy that he has that you will get back together, and manipulate him into giving you his half of the house?

Peace out, man.
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
So you are going to exploit the fantasy that he has that you will get back together, and manipulate him into giving you his half of the house?

Peace out, man.
lol, I always a good chuckle while I'm at work.
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