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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2014, 08:40 PM
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Default Intro & a few questions

Hi all,
I've been checking out the site & learning but have a few questions (which I'll post at the end).
My husband & I were together for 22 years & have 2 teens. We really did have a great marriage until the year before he left (almost 2 yrs ago) when it became obvious he was very unhappy with his life. I tried to be understanding & supportive but he left anyway. It was devastating for me & the kids but this year we are in a much happier place. He took a position outside Canada with his employer & we have little contact with him. He visits 2x year and I always let him stay with us as I'm afraid he won't see the children otherwise (1-2 wks each visit- very stressful for me!). I intend to continue this arrangement until the youngest finishes high school.
It took me a year to realize he wasn't coming back (kept saying he would throughout the 1st year that he just needed space to sort his life out). Of course old story comes out- partying & had a young girlfriend the whole time.
Due to his job we moved every 2-3 years, I worked part-time whenever possible. Now I'm working full-time as a temp & looking for something permanent while upgrading my skills at night.
We are starting to finalize an agreement (so far he puts money in a joint account to cover bills) and this is where my questions come up- (please keep in mind I want this to be as amicable as possible in the hopes he'll come around & build a good relationship with our kids).
1) Should I go through FRO? Some people seem to have negative associations with them.
2) I've agreed to not include any of his bonuses (which are significant when he is overseas) in CS or SS. On the other hand, he said if I do include them he may return to Canada to avoid paying them. This may be a good thing for our kids as he would move to the same city & hopefully see them more.
Advice from anyone whose ex doesn't have alot of involvement with their kids & how you dealt with it would be appreciated.
Thanks for any advice, divorce sucks!
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Old 11-02-2014, 09:20 PM
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How is he being taxed on his salary (canadian rates or the other country?).

Call his bluff.... he won't come back to reduce his bonuses.... and if he does for the purposes of lowering support payments (do you have that in writing?) they will impute him that salary to him anyways pehaps. If they don't then maybe him being back will be better for your kids...
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Old 11-02-2014, 10:03 PM
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Not sure about his taxes, it is a Canadian employer.

He did email the reasons why he did not want to put his bonuses on his financial disclosure- I wouldn't use it as evidence even if it is admissible. I agreed to this because he is already upset that I won't take his pension off the table (which I won't do because I followed him around over 20 years never imagining I would be in this position)
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Old 11-02-2014, 10:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingON25 View Post
Not sure about his taxes, it is a Canadian employer.

He did email the reasons why he did not want to put his bonuses on his financial disclosure- I wouldn't use it as evidence even if it is admissible. I agreed to this because he is already upset that I won't take his pension off the table (which I won't do because I followed him around over 20 years never imagining I would be in this position)
One thing about CS is that it gets adjusted annually based on your income tax line 150 (unless the payer is self-employed). So if his bonuses are included in his taxable income to CRA, they will be included in his income for calculating CS payments. He can't just arbitrarily subtract them, and you can't just agree not to use them. The CS is the right of the child and not really up for negotiation by either parent.

You are in the right about his pension no matter how upset he is. By law, it is your pension too.
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Old 11-02-2014, 11:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingON25 View Post
Not sure about his taxes, it is a Canadian employer.

He did email the reasons why he did not want to put his bonuses on his financial disclosure- I wouldn't use it as evidence even if it is admissible. I agreed to this because he is already upset that I won't take his pension off the table (which I won't do because I followed him around over 20 years never imagining I would be in this position)
your kids are teens so its not like your ex will be paying CS for a long time. While your ability to want to negotiate "nicely" is admirable, it's kinda stupid too IMO. CS is for the KIDS not you and not for your ex. So he's upset. Maybe he'll take it out on you but really what can you do about the LAW?

I think what Rioe posted is right.
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:01 AM
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Thanks for the info about CS, didn't know it was adjusted annually. Some of his bonuses are non-taxable so not sure if he will disclose them.

I have contacted a lawyer as a lot of info my ex gave me has been wrong and things seem complicated with him overseas. I will follow up for a meeting tomorrow.

I have been trying to negotiate 'nicely' as a good friend told me to always take the high road for the sake of our kids. Maybe it is stupid & time to wake up as he has made alot of threats. I just don't want this to turn into a big mess.
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:12 AM
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Negotiating 'nicely' is different than negotiating REASONABLY.

What you can negotiate REASONABLY is division of property and SS but I don't think its good for the kids you are willing to compromise their CS. As they are teens your ex won't be contributing towards their care for very long. Your kids NEED that support. Everything else can be negotiable but I don't think CS can or should be because its FOR the kids.

You seem like a good person and I don't mean any offence here.
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:37 AM
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Thanks, I'm not offended- I came here for advice and what has been said about CS is right. As the only person looking out for my kids I should never agree to any compromises for them. It seems obvious now, not sure what I was thinking.
I'll ask for the bonuses to be included in CS.
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Old 11-03-2014, 04:24 AM
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Hi, I just have one question for movinon25. You sound reasonable and if every person is like you, then the lawyers will be out of business. Good for you so far, however my question is, has either one of you started an application? This back and forth is in no way healthy for either the children or yourself. You need to ensure that you are supported and so the kids. Think of what is more important, him being upset or stability for you and the kids. Good luck.
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:45 PM
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Thanks for the comment Anthony. Neither of us has started an application but I will be seeing a lawyer soon to get things going. We have given each other financial disclosures which my lawyer now has & my ex also got a lawyer.

I know alot of people self-represent but the back & forth was certainly not good between us and his offers unreasonable (CS only up to age 18, no pension, etc.).
My main concern is our stability, he is already upset anyway (esp. with getting lawyers involved). It's not like I'm trying to take everything, he needs to at least be reasonable as I'm considering overtime to pay our bills & he can certainly afford it.
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