I'm new here & in a mess!

[Skittles]

Hello All:
I have spent the past few days reading most of the threads - it is a terrific forum - out of each of the threads, something relates to me & my kids and situation!! So, I have already gained some great input! Thank you!
After being together for almost 30 years (married for 17), about 2 1/2 years ago my marriage started to fall apart. Many arguments and days of silence. My husband & I are co-owners of a resort and last summer I suspected my husband of having an affair with one of our customers, (who had become a friend) - there were many rumours - I confronted her and she, of course, denied it and wanted to know who was spreading the rumours - I told her nothing. One particular day in September, my husband spent many hours away from the house, but still on the property - when he returned, he was in a foul mood. The long and short of it was, he hit me, I called the police and he was arrested - spent 2 nights in jail, she posted bail for him and continues to live with her & her husband. The support from the courts has been terrific through Victim services - but they are limited in resources. In January, a Peace Bond was issued and the "no contact" is extended until February 2011. We have kids who are 18 & 16. The kids can speak to their dad anytime they want - I don't tell them when, where or how long! But, they now choose to have no contact with their dad (my 18 year old saw him hit me).
I have now filed for separation with the divorce potentially being final in September (after the one year waiting period). He has not been served yet, but hopefully this week that will happen.
The kids having a cell phone has not been a good thing -- (I'm sorry, this thread could be longer than I had hoped) -- we have possession of a vehicle that my husband wants and over the course of less than a week, my oldest has received over 70 text messages (that are getting nastier every day) demanding the vehicle (both kids have been ignoring his texts since Christmas). I had been told by victim services that if I didn't want him to have an item, he couldn't take it (the kids & I are still in our home and still running our business) - my lawyer is away on vacation so I can't contact her for another week. This is getting out of hand and affecting my daughter where she isn't sleeping or concentrating in school. Before Christmas, I got her into counselling (she had originally blamed herself for the arguments) - last week her counsellor told her to respond to the texts and tell him to get his lawyer to contact me - he didn't know what she was talking about! He has a vehicle that he can use, but, I think, because it has our business advertised on the side, he wants the other one that isn't "labelled." Do I HAVE to give him back the one he wants? I feel much safer for my kids driving the one we have as it has 4-wheel drive, which we need in this area.
The last few months I have confirmed the affair with this woman - and it has been going on for 3 years!! Right under my nose, in my house, in my bed, or on my kitchen table!!!!!!! Pigs!! It turns out that this woman told my daughter (who was 16 at the time that she was "f....." my husband (her words)) A lot more detail given to my daughter that needed to be said for sure!!! This woman has told all my kids' friends what is going on between them. We live in a small town and know a lot of people and the truth has just started coming out about them. I know revenge is not the way to go, but this woman is married with a husband who we adore (he is quite old with serious health issues). I know he has no idea what is now going on in his house, but I want to protect him. My question is, should I go to his family and tell them what is happening here?? She is obviously a "gold digger" and figures by breaking up my marriage, she'll "inherit" everything that I have worked hard to build up. I might point out that she has a reputation in this community of this type of behaviour (which I wasn't aware of until all this happened - now people are telling me that they've known all along, because she told them a long time ago). She is not young, in her mid-60's (older than my husband). So, why didn't anyone tell me!!!!!! She did the same thing to get her current husband, but now she realizes that he has no money and she will get nothing when he dies!!! (she told me this herself)
I do not want to reconcile with my husband, my kids are much happier without him around, and we have begun the plans for our future lives without him (looking for a place to live, planning vacations, etc.). But, obviously, our business must be sold so I can end this terrible chapter in my life. My kids deserve to be happy & live as normal teenagers (something they hadn't been able to do when their dad was here). The sooner the two of them are out of my life, the better off we'll be!!!
Any comments or input would be helpful - sorry for the length of this message (but this is tremendously reduced in size - there is so much more to tell)!!!!
Thank you to all!!!!

[Mess]

Hi,

You have been through a terrible time and I sympathize with you and your kids.

I'm going talk about your legal issues, and that you have to separate them from your emotional issues and the ethical issues about the affair and the crude behaviour of this woman.

You and your husband have a legal partnership in the business, and joint ownership through marriage of everything. The equalization process will look at what you brought into the marriage and make exact calculations, but the short story is, you split everything 50/50. The fact that he had an affair or that the woman may be a gold digger has absolutely nothing to do with your separation or financial negotiations.

Because your husband committed adultery, this could be grounds for getting a divorce in less than 1 year, but honestly it's probably not worth worrying about, you won't get the separation finances worked out in less than that time anyway.

The asault charge is something that you need to let work through the criminal courts. It doesn't affect the separation negotiations except that you can get a restraining order much more easily.

Because he is harrassing your kids and indirectly you with texts, you should very much get an anti-harrassment order and a restraining order. These things give very little protection in practice, but I say to do it and do it soon, if he escalates and starts coming over or trying to take the truck then things could get even uglier. These orders allow you to expect immediate police response (whether the police follow through depends on how good a force you have locally, but take the steps that you are able to take. Right away.)

The truck is a dodgy issue. Generally, you have already split the vehicles, you both have reason to want one particular truck. This is something that ideally you should settle between you. There is not a clear reason one way or another. (I drove a standard rear-wheel drive pick-up on a 40 acre farm all through my teen years, and while I see your concern about 4x4 in your area, it's not 100% compelling. You couldn't prove in court that the other truck would put your kids at risk.)

If possible, make a record of all the text messages, if your phones are able to forward them to email accounts for example, (not all phones can.) Otherwise try to get a print-out from the cell company, or at least save your bills to show repeated texts from him.

Talk your lawyer immediately when she returns from vacation. She may not want to do things immediately, don't give her a choice. You are being harrassed, you have been assaulted, your children are being harrassed, you want a court order, you want it yesterday. If she has other clients needing other things, require an exact timeline for when she can get this done, and hold her to it. If it seems to take too long, go to a lawyer who can do it sooner.

Try really hard to separate this affair in your head from your divorce, it's not going to make things easier if you keep focusing on it. You need to deal with the assault and harrassment, you need to deal with the financial negotiations, you need to provide a calm environment for your kids. Keep those as priorities.

As far as informing the woman's husband or anyone else, you are better off staying out of it. This would only inflame the situation and you don't want your ex getting even angrier. The police can't protect you 24/7, they can only follow up after an assault.

[Skittles]

Thanks for your response, Mess!! Your are right!!! Up until I confirmed the affair, I was taking the entire situation pretty calmly - the assault, the "suspected affair, making sure life remained as normal as possible!! Then, I just wanted to rip her eyes out - she was "supposedly" my best friend - everything we talked about went right back to my husband. I have learned a great many lessons during this - the most important being - I fell into this friendship too quickly and being too trustworthy with her - we couldn't even go out for dinner as a family without her tagging along!!! The day my husband hit me she told me I "would never take those kids away from her!!" Duh!!!! They aren't her kids to have!!! They are old enough to make their own decisions!
My lawyer is aware of the adultery, but because we "back-dated" the separation to the date he was arrested, it won't have any bearing on the divorce date. I'm good with that.
My lawyer is terrific (a bit of a pitbull actually), I went to see her originally on the Wednesday, she got the story, gave me the financial papers to complete, I did that. From the first meeting with her to the signing of the papers was less than 2 weeks - we are just waiting for my husband to be served She has even set a court date in mid-March with him to discuss the financials. So, things have happened very quickly with her!
My husband is on a restraining order for the assault against me until Feb 2011!! The courts have dealt with that effectively as well, and I'm also good with that!
I have contacted the local police force about the harrassing text messages, but because my daughter is now 18, they won't take my statement. It has to come from my daughter - she is very much intimidated by her father even from a distance. I'm still hoping that she will take the initiative and protect herself by at least going to the police station to file her statement. She has kept all his texts (begrudgingly) on her phone, but just can't seem to take the next step. I offered to go with her, and she agreed, but when I bring it up, she says she doesn't want to worry about it "today." Her dad punched her in the face in the summer - which she didn't tell me about until recently- for "being a teenaged girl with attitude." She is very strong emotionally, and very determined, but still intimidated by him. I continue to support both my kids for whatever decisions they make about this - and WILL NOT tell them they cannot see their dad, or even speak to them, it is their choice.
I have developed strength thru this that I never knew I had - but, my kids are happy & well taken care of and have adjusted without the stress of their dad being here (it helps tremendously that they are the age they are). I sympathize with people that go through this with much younger children!!!! I don't know how they get through it!!
Under the restraining order, my husband is permitted on the property to perform his duties for the business, but not to come near the house or talk to me. But, being winter, there is nothing to be done for the business until spring, so no reason for him to be here. However, we do know that he has driven by & then sent messages to my youngest telling him what to do. If he comes down the driveway, he'll never be able to get back out and that's the last thing I want to see happen - him stuck here!!! (the main reason for us having the truck - to be able to get groceries & have a life away from here - the other vehicle is usually parked in the winter)
I'm not expecting more than my "fair share" of the assets, I'm not selfish or greedy - I will take my family heirlooms and anything I contributed to the household before him (I have a lot of antiques and artwork that I bought before we were married + whatever belongs to the kids) - and it will take some time to sell the business - but we want out of here as soon as possible, so we can get on with our lives. Best case scenario is if he comes up with the money to buy me out!! But, that's a huge "chunk of coin" that would be unattainable for him.
I thank you for your time and input - it solidifies my focus of how I'm handling it, or good advice on how I should change my focus -- so far so good!!!!! Best wishes.