I am new here and need to vent

[missy]

I have been married for 21 years and we have six beautiful, intelligent kids. I got married at 20, while still in university. My husband has always worked long hours including weekends. He is in a profession that allows him to make his own hours so he has always chosen to start work late and finish anywhere between 9 pm and midnight. I have always considered myself a single parent. When I was young I was attractive and worked as a model and a lifeguard to pay for university. Now I feel like I have spent so many years alone with my kids just trying to be the "model wife" and mother that I no longer have my own identity. I used to be too embarrassed about my situation and afraid of what he would do if I left. My biggest fear is not being able to provide for my kids. My youngest child just turned 1 yr and the rest of the kids are in a variety of activies. My husband used to own a fitness facility which I managed and absolutely loved but he decided it wasn't worth it and closed it with very little warning just recently. I have never had my own career and every job I have had has been owned by my husband. He pays me $1600 bi-weekly (up until 8 months ago it was $1100 every two weeks) and I am expected to buy groceries, clothing, boots, shoes, coats, gifts, pay for sports etc. for our family of eight. He always questions what I "wasted" all the money on. We do not have any joint accounts. He is always afraid that I will "steal" from him-and I do! every chance I get! I never have enough money. He makes a substantial amount of money, more in one month than some people make in a year. I am tired of being lonely, miserable and feeling trapped. I have a meeting with a lawyer in two weeks and am anxious for my freedom but he has always said that if I leave him he will quit working and we will never find him.
Thanks for letting me vent
Missy