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Old 10-08-2009, 01:39 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Toronto Ontario
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Alextu is on a distinguished road
Question How do I fight back

Hi everyone...

I'm new and hoping this forum might provide me with some help and that I can, in turn, provide it back to someone else in the future...I'm separated finally got a emotionally abusive and controlling spouse out of my life...fortunately, he's not bad with his children and he now spends 50% more time with them since I asked him to leave the home...I am primary caregiver...

I've been working 25 years fulltime...have always been a saver and good with money....my ex was and still is a nightmare with it....I bought and pretty much paid for almost our entire home...continued to work fulltime while raising two kids with little help from him all the while helping him run his business mostly from our home...he's self employed...he had nothing but debt when we married....and while I continued to support the family he built up his business from nothing to $500K yearly sales and $250K assets....

I have rrsps and pension and my lawyer says its better to try to settle with him out of court...he's trying to claim that he is going bankrupt (all of a sudden) which is a ploy and that he makes lots of money but has lots of liabilities but doesn't want to pay his lawyer to do a financial assessment (so I can honestly see whats happening).....now hes asking for $200K settlement..and wants to keep his business and all the assets...give me nothing...and Ive told my lawyer hes nuts...

she says come back with something to try to get rid of him so Im agreeing but that's it....otherwise, if he wants 1/3 of our home then I want 1/3 of his business...my lawyer is making me feel beholding to him.....he used me and my money throughout the marriage and is still trying now.....I know my lawyer is advising me partly partly to avoid paying high lawyers fees but he will have to also...can someone give me some advice.....can't I get him sent for Discovery???? He basically intimidated/coerced me throughtout the marriage in helping him build up his business....and he's also telling me that even if I have to move to pay him off, I'm not allowed to move more than 45 minutes away from where he's living....I can't believe that???is it true???
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:38 AM
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Do not sign ANY agreement of any sort until there has been full financial disclosure. You need to know where he is at financially before you can decide what kind of settlement is reasonable.

By "reasonable", I don't mean the normal definition of the word. I mean the Family Law version, which is more like "what do I have to give him that's way more than he deserves but less than the courts would give him at trial".

Once disclosure is done, you add up all the financial gains and losses which occurred during the marriage and divvy up the pie with some complicated math. Then you haggle with each other until you reach an agreement you can both live with.

Also, he can't dictate how far you can or can't move. That's something which you can agree to in a settlement, but it's not something you have to agree to at all. If the kids reside with you and you move, they move with you. For their sake, I would hope you wouldn't move TOO far, but he can't just force this on you.
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:48 AM
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thank you very much for your insight...it helps...it sounds by your reply that if I go to trial it will cost me more than paying him off but that's assuming he's telling the truth about his finances....my lawyer says his business has value...I've been able to get a list of his assets (most of them) but not his liabilities...and one years worth of his bank account deposits and payments also...showing he deposited approx half million dollars...but his withdrawals and payments are about the same because he just transfers enough money into this account to pay most of his bills....I can't access to the account he's transferring from to see what's really going on.....and he has a significant cash business....I wouldn't care about any of his business whatsoever if he'd just be reasonable about the home we shared but I essentially paid for....as for the kids, I would never keep them from their father....the sad part of all this is that now that we've split the kids have way more quality time with their dad because he has to make an effort or loss the connection with them or joint custody....

Last edited by Alextu; 10-09-2009 at 11:05 AM. Reason: adding info
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Old 10-09-2009, 12:17 PM
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Well you won't neccessarily get screwed at trial. It depends on the financials - you might even come out ahead. Self-employed income is always tougher to pin down when it comes to divorce proceedings, but all the more reason why full disclosure is absolutely needed. If it goes to court, the judge will be asking for it - so it's not like he has some opportunity to wiggle out of it.

Any records or info you can get your hands on will help. Copy EVERYTHING. The more records you have, the less he will be able to fudge the numbers, if it comes to that.
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:48 PM
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he claims, each and every year, that he only makes around $20,000 to revenue canada which, of course, is to avoid paying taxes....when we discussed child support, his lawyer advised him to at least pay me based on a reasonable income of about double that which I believe would have been around $650.00 per month for two kids income on $40,000.00 but he's actually paying me double that amount per month....and I researched on the federal/provincial child support guidelines (May 2006) that hes actually paying me based on an income of $87500.00 ... does this set a precedent of some kind for me to argue if I get to court that hes already paying me this amount ..it implies he's making alot more than he claims??....he told me his lawyer said he was crazy to pay me double before we negotiate anything....

I think my ex was and is trying to garner some sympathy or grease the wheel sort of speak because he does not want to give up any part of the business nor do I want any of it even though I was basically his business partner besides his spouse....and frequently loaned him money from my own personal credit line...I just want to keep most of the home that I bought before we married and paid for 90% of it....(my parents also paid a significant portion of it....I initially put a mortgage on the portion my parents paid to protect their interests but he was such a pain about it I finally had my mom forgive the loan) stupid move, I know...but I was always trying to keep the peace till I finally gave up on him.....

I've received some advise from a colleague at work who tells me either just make a final counter offer (alot less then what hes asking for) and tell my lawyer...that's final....the colleague tells me its up to my ex spouse to then come after me..in court....I'm in the home...I'm getting support so far....and I have main custody of kids and most importantly, I finally got him to leave without any potential violence erupting nor any damage to my kids so I'm basically fine....let my ex start spending money with his lawyer...i.e. providing financial clarity, etc.....and stop going back and forth and making your lawyer more money.....
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Old 10-12-2009, 06:58 PM
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Default Can some one help me out and reply

Hi ... I promise not to write so much next time but could someone help me out and view my thread.....I'm heading to my lawyers tomorrow and I want to end this back and forth I have going with my ex.....I want to tell my lawyer...."this is where I stand...final position...make it happen....or tell my ex's lawyer to take me to court".....do not want to go there but my ex is being absolutely greedy and unreasonable....I don't want to do to him what he's done to me but I think I may have to.....Thanks for helping!!!
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