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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 04:13 PM
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Sorry for the long one paragraph response. When I start writing I am not thinking about readability just trying to get the point out.

Although Pursuinghappiness is correct, the response was still a little harsh. Bringing out these childish actions in each other is not something that is new with us. This has happened of the whole course of our relationship. This has not changed it has just gotten worse as our situation has gotten worse. Believe me I have thought long and hard about this. This is not some rash decision that I have made. This is something that has built up over time. Yes we both owe it to our children to work things out, but they also deserve a happy house to grow up in and unless something drastically changes we won’t be able to provide that for them.

Yes I do agree that I should seek some counseling for my anger issues, but that I don’t think it will fix the compatibility issues between my wife and me. This seems to be something that we both ignored before we got married. I had several friends and family talk to me about this before we got married and I didn’t listen to them. I think I was concentrating on the good times we had instead of looking at the bad times. Now it seems we have a lot more bad times then good times. This should have been a clue from the beginning.

Although not professional help we have tried to mend things on our own. We started making time for each other like going on date night for example. I will admit it has got better at times but then we always fall back on the same thing. We also tried to communicate with each other more. We started writing in journals everyday to help express how we were feeling. If one of us got upset at the other we would write in the journal and let the other one read it. This lasted for about a week and then we feel back into the old routine. For us to be successful in marriage counseling we both need to put the effort into it otherwise it has been a waste of time. There is nothing that I have seen on both sides that shows that we both want to put any lasting effort into fixing this. To tell you the truth I don’t want to have to work on our marriage every day. I realize that a marriage does require work from time to time but to have to put the effort in every day I don’t think we are both up for it.



Believe me this is not what I wanted. This is not how this was supposed to be, but I can't change the fact that this is who we are. If this continues the path that we are on this is going to more damage than good.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 05:23 PM
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Hey my friend....

I can appreciate how that would be irritating BUT like the other posters have said, if you think THAT pissed you off, JUST WAIT until she RUINS the rest of your life with HUGE CS payments, likely cutting off access to the kids, possibly Spousal support payments, her perhaps getting "free" legal aid while you get bankrupted trying to pay for your lawyer. You also having to pay the bulk of daycare costs (young kids) for years IN ADDITION to huge CS payments. I really don't think you fully appreciate the hell you are about to enter. If the snotty text thing irritated you, you'll lose your effing mind once you get creamed by her in court and your life is ruined.

Seriously, figure out a way to deal with her. Drink heavily or take (prescription of course lol) drugs if you have to but learn how to handle her

Basically, I think all women are a little (lot) nutty so the next one will likely not be much better lol.

Really, figure out a way to deal with her (ie. phone, tell her you can only check it at lunch and end of day; blame your boss if you have to). Drink if you need to in order to tolerate her at end of day until you can get back to work.

IF you really can't take it, go to a lawyer and make a PLAN. For example, WAIT until you get her working FULL time. If you're working overtime, STOP it and get your income DOWN as much as possible. The more the "gap" in your two incomes the more you'll get screwed. Ideally, try to get her income MORE than yours; that way she might have to pay YOU (wouldn't that be sweet lol).

Keep your mouth shut (in all due respect); see a lawyer, make a PLAN. I still don't think you realize the danger you're in my friend !
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 06:12 PM
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Whoa - again its the loud minority that have problems and come to this forum usually - shellshocked22 has no reasonable basis for saying things such as "likely cutting off access to the kids"

I'm content in my separation, have my kids half the time, pay offset table amount of CS, reasonable SS. My ex had not worked for years, and after separation went out and now works full time and makes a little more than half of what I do. My youngest was only 4 when we split. We spent very little on lawyers.

I think the CS amounts (full or offset) are reasonable.

When I first separated, I thought the worst might happen to me and my kids, but if you follow the advice from the majority here, make sure all is settled BEFORE you separate, you should do fine - hope for the best, plan for the worst though, but don't be paranoid, and keep communications open with your spouse, and control your lawyers!!

Last edited by billm; 11-02-2011 at 06:16 PM.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 06:29 PM
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OK, agreed I was painting the worse case with respect to kids. HOWEVER, I suspect you'll agree she has the POTENTIAL to significantly REDUCE his access to the children. Afterall, most men usually only get the EOW and once per week visit; of course it's just under the 40% point which can give a little financial relief. I don't know about you, but getting a 60% reduction in access to your own kids is significant in my book.

I'm glad you're happy with the amount of CS you pay. However, in cases of higher income payors the amount of CS and SS is RIDICULOUS, especially given you can't deduct it so you have to gross $2 to pay $1 for CS. It basically rewards being lazy and not working when there was no good reason you couldn't. yes, in some cases it doesnt make sense for a spouse to work but do you agree the system is super fair to men, come on !!!

I'm also glad you're happy in how your ex spends your hard earned CS. However, we all know there is NO ACCOUNTABILITY to how she spends it. Personally, the idea of her spending "child support" out drinking all night at clubs bothers me and don't tell me all women are "perfect" and put the kids first. Those that pay huge CS I suspect the kids are lucky to see 25 cents on the dollar. Don't claim that the govt will correct this, I'm not saying the kids are starving and wearing rags, only that a good chunk (for some "custodial parents' - can't be politically incorrect can we ?) often spend it on luxuries for them and NOT the kids.

In practise, those exes who enjoy ridiculous support payments don't even bother to try and work. "Maybe" you can get min wage inputed but even then, its only a couple of hundred bucks off the 1000s they are screwing you out of.

Yes, not every guy is screwed over, IF you were smart enough to make sure you married a girl who earned similar money. However, if you were stupid enough to marry someone who didn't pull their weight financially you will be PUNISHED severely. I still think the lucrative amount of support Family Law glady dolls out encourages divorce for some folks !

Having said all the above, I realize many women get screwed over by lazy, deadbeat guys and I think thats also wrong; men should support their kids. BUT, all the punishing rules are put in place for a small minority of these idiots BUT they end up punishing hard working guys whose "partners" get bored and want us to pay while they party with strange guys. Ironically, the guys they target laugh anyway since if you have nothing to take, they can't hurt you !!!!

Sorry, I just have a problem when the system punishes a guy for working his balls off for his family only to rip him apart when his wife gets "bored" and wants what "she is owed ". Hmm, do you think if the govt had to pay "what she is owed" it would be anywhere near so generous !!
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 07:50 PM
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Yes, shellshocked22, you are painting the worst case scenario.

Also I don't agree with your over the top wording (RIDICULOUS, NO ACCOUNTABILITY, out drinking all night at clubs, lazy and not working, hard earned CS, kids are lucky to see 25 cents on the dollar, often spend it on luxuries, didn't pull their weight financially, encourages divorce, want us to pay while they party with strange guys, the system punishes a guy for working his balls off,... ad nauseum).

Get a grip shellshocked22 - you (your situation and your whining) are the exception, not the rule. Some Family Law matters are BS, but most people make their own beds.

Things are not nearly as bad (for MOST), as you would like to paint, and your over the top wording does not help your arguments.

Also, stating CS ...is RIDICULOUS, especially given you can't deduct it so you have to gross $2 to pay $1 for CS is a silly argument as CS amounts are BASED on pretax earnings (ie the CS amounts are what you should spend for CS from your AFTER TAX income). You either intentionally have your head up your ... or you don't understand simple mathematical concepts.
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2011, 08:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shellshocked22 View Post


Basically, I think all women are a little (lot) nutty so the next one will likely not be much better lol.
i really hope you were kidding about that remark.
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Old 11-02-2011, 09:55 PM
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The situation you are in is not an easy one. I myself am fairly new to this forum, having separated in May from a 17 year relationship (9yrs married), but I can tell you that you will find a great deal of amazing advice on this forum.

For my two cents, I would seriously recommend the personal counselling, if nothing else this will help you in the long run, getting your own issues resolved/managed/under control will help you and that may just lead to a better relationship with your wife and kids.

Also, explore the marriage counselling, you owe it to yourself, your wife and your family to see if there is anything left to save. I know for myself, I had to go, I knew that I would never forgive myself if I did not try everything to save my marriage and family before it was too late. As it turns out, it was not the solution for us, but I still had to try.

Stay strong, this will not correct itself overnight.

Angie
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2011, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by shellshocked22

Basically, I think all women are a little (lot) nutty so the next one will likely not be much better lol.



Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
i really hope you were kidding about that remark.


I really don't think he was kidding.

As all men are self-centred, egotistical, single-minded sex maniacs who only think of their own gratification and needs.

Man was put on this earth to provide - and now they think they deserve thanks for their efforts - hahahahaha - for those that acutally make the effort.

So - shut up shellshocked and get a life - and if you really worked your balls off - then you wouldn't be in the mess your in!
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2011, 10:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by punked View Post
Originally Posted by shellshocked22

Basically, I think all women are a little (lot) nutty so the next one will likely not be much better lol.





I really don't think he was kidding.

As all men are self-centred, egotistical, single-minded sex maniacs who only think of their own gratification and needs.

Man was put on this earth to provide - and now they think they deserve thanks for their efforts - hahahahaha - for those that acutally make the effort.

So - shut up shellshocked and get a life - and if you really worked your balls off - then you wouldn't be in the mess your in!
I really hope you are kidding here, right ?
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2011, 11:48 AM
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Hello Billm:

Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. No offense, but I'm guessing the amount of CS and SS you pay is not that large given the salary you earn. Let's be clear that I'm not proposing that ex partners and kids be thrown to the curb with no support. It just upsets me that they are given an obscene amount (I won't tell you numbers but lets just say her "support" is more than most two wage families earn and that's with her staying home and watching tv all day.

However, when the "higher wage earner" (have to be gender neutral of course) basically gives up a large portion of his/her free time, makes sacrifices to earn an above average income, spends years earning a post secondary degree rather than "partying" all the time, then excuse me, I think that person shouldn't be "robbed". Why do so many people in Canada think its right to discourage hard work ?

I can appreciate some people think anyone who earns above average income doesn't "deserve" it and its right for the govt and family law to take it all away. Yes, I believe in the free market system where hard work is rewarded, call me crazy.

Let me put it this way, let's say you took a job that was VERY stressful to you, required double the number of hours per week but had a big pay day. Your ex is getting more money in support than most families earn with two breadwinners. Furthermore, your ex then decides its not worth her time to work since you're giving her so much money its not necessary.

Are you saying you don't think BOTH parents have an obligation to support their kids ? What is your response when a spouse basically says that they won't bother to get a job since you're giving them so much money they don't need to work but they appreciate you working so hard for them.

Again, sounds like you are fortunate that your ex is prudent with the support money you have paid. Let's just assume you know for a fact that your ex is foolishly spending "child support" money on luxuries for him/her rather than the children. Are you REALLY fine with that ?

Am I wrong to expect the "child support" to be spent on the children as opposed to indulgences for the ex ?

Again, I'm think you're assuming all exes are wonderful, reasonable and wouldn't dream of wasting CS on themselves. You are very lucky you hvae such a perfect ex wife (I wonder why you guys got divorced, she sounds great by the way). Do you honestly believe all exes are that reasonable? Do you honestly believe the system is truly fair to the wage earner WHEN there is a HUGE gap in income. I agree if both partners make similar money THEN its not too bad a deal, I wish to hell my ex DID earn similar money to me then we could basically shake hands and call it a day.

To those members who were foolish enough to work hard and have a spouse who didn't have a similar income, GIVE YOUR INPUT ! Do you think the system is as fair as our friend BillM thinks ? Do you think its right there be NO accountability as to how CS is spent. I would like to hear others in my situation give their thoughts.

Yes, I'm outlining a worse case scenario, but I also think BillM is outlining a Best case scenario. Too bad the rose coloured glasses don't apply in my case but I'm envious of him though lol.
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