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Old 01-11-2011, 03:37 PM
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Unhappy Hello.... so I'm not the only one who needs to vent..

Hi All,

I’m a newlywed. Been married for 7 month and we dated for 5 years. I’m in my early 30’s and we are already thinking about splitting up, I feel embarrassed L
We never lived together and now that we do it’s a constant battle. I’m no saint but my wife is so anal about keep up appearance, so much so that I feel uncomfortable in my own house; God forbid I leave the TV remote on the sofa instead of the “remote tray”!

The major issue (and I knew this going in) I have nothing in common with her family, it’s come to the point that it annoys me to even hear the point of views. My wife wants me to be close to her family and I explained to her that I don’t have anything in common so it’s hard for me to sit there for hours at a dinner table (it’s an Italian thing). If I don’t go I’m accused of being rude, if I go and only stay 3 hours it’s because I'm rude. She wants to have dinner at her parents once a week. I totally disagree since I think we should focus on me and her and not our parents. My wife sees her parents 4 times per week (she works nearby), I think it’s great for her to go there at lunch but don’t force me to go there. If I tell her I’m stopping over at my dad’s to say hello or to get a bite to eat she gets upset and thinks it’s rude to not go together. We had a huge fight a few weeks ago where she said fine you go to your family’s place and I will go to mine. It’s not really what I want. I just want to have to option to not go if I’m exhausted. Example. She wants to go to dinner at her moms on a Wed. night and I agree to go. However if I happen to have a terrible day at work or drained of energy and don’t feel like being in bumper to bumper traffic for well over 1 hour, I want to be comfortable enough to call and explain the situation and how I’m going home (15min from my work) and I will go by another day. I don’t have that option. If I do that I will have a 4 hour argument when I get home. Furthermore, she calls her mom every night to say goodnight, as if she is having a sleep over and needs her permission (this is after she spent a better part of the day talking to her)?

I’ve lost the urge to be with her, I feel like I’m always waiting for the next fight. We can be great for 5 days and then one of us wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and all hell breaks loose.

Its driven me to the point of having an “emotional friend” and ex girlfriend that I dated and we have always reminded friends. We broke up because our religions where different and her parents didn’t approve. I didn’t want her fighting with her family so against her wishes I broke up with her. I know turning to someone else for emotional comfort is wrong (nothing has happened physically). The idea of being single and on my own has crossed my mind and I feel guilty. I’m unhappy.

Sorry for the long winded story but I have not spoken to anyone due to the fact that we have not been married a year yet. I feel like a failure and I’m very embarrassed. Again I’m no saint but I lost the urge to make it work and simply waiting for D-Day L
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:08 PM
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And you didn't know about these attachments your wife has to her family in the five years leading up to marriage?
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Old 01-11-2011, 04:19 PM
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I did know that I had nothing in common with them and I told my wife. However, they were very controlling over her and she always said "I can’t wait to be on my own and married to you". I guess in my mind I said ok maybe I'll change or because my wife expressed being unable to life her life under her parents roof she won’t have a desire to be over all the time.
Put it this way, my wife is in her late 20’s and for the first 2 years of our relationship her parents refused to allow us to be alone in a room watching TV or whatever. When I would invite her to my house her parents would not allow her to drive. If I went to pick her up to go out and they suspected we were going to hang out alone they would not allow her to go out because the weather was bad or other excuses. This is a women 24-25 years old not a child!

I guess it my fault.
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:02 PM
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I guess if we do split I have some questions.
1. Most Important… My dog. I bought him before he we were engaged and he lived with me at home. He is actually registered to my mom and dad’s house. Would I lose him?
2. I know house and finance is 50/50. Will the courts look at the fact that I put up all the money for the house 40k (and I make all the mortgage payments). Will I have to split everything? I’m guessing yes.
3. Furniture and stuff I don’t really care I can always buy new stuff. I won’t hold a hard line there.

I guess if we do split up she will do very well for herself since she had nothing and her parents helped us with about 4k (my parents gave us close to 20k).

God I feel sick….
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:09 PM
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This is a situation that cries out for counselling before you jump right to divorce. Marriage isn't turning out to be at all how you expected, and it is likely something similar for her. She may have seen you as more of an escape from her controlling family than as a full-blown partner in life, and needs time to adjust to that new life. There must be something about her that made you endure this controlling parent stuff for five years and still marry her?

I know you feel it's torture right now, but dinner once a week is not much of a sacrifice to make, and putting on a happy face might go a long way to helping her through the adjustment to independence and maybe even getting to know her family. Does she have brothers you can chat with? Then, having done that, spend the rest of the week doing couple stuff and helping her be independent.

Two more things: find a guy friend to confide in so you can ease up with your female friend. The last thing you need is to complicate the issue with even the perception of a reason for jealousy. And whatever you do, do NOT decide to have children until you are stable. Getting pregnant at this stage will not fix anything in the relationship, and you have no idea how much more often her family would be involved in your life if you do.
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:13 PM
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I'm sure you're well aware however I'll say it anyways, the chaperoning is a cultural thing and not uncommon for a woman that age from a strong Italian family to not be left alone with a man. Makes it difficult to get to know each other at a deeper level for sure.

It sounds like you are indeed very frustrated and there's no need to be embarassed because it's been less than a year, it happens. Nobody is expected to be perfect or a saint to make it work. Have you considered councilling, preferably for both of you to help establish expecations and how you each are getting used to being a partnership? You have to remember, she is coming from a very sheltered position under her parents' wings, she only knows what she has lived. That doesn't make it ok but also doesn't make it impossible to work it out.

If she won't go to councilling with you then there is still benefits to you going on your own, that may help give you strategies to deal with how you're feeling. If you're sure you've made up your mind, then you'll find lots of helpful information on here. Good luck!
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:35 PM
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What about if you went every one day other week to dinner and she went by herself the alternate week? Unless you work 7 days a week you should have at least 2 days off where you could PLAN on going to dinner at her parents.

It's a small sacrifice for some long term peace. Maybe that would work?
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Old 01-17-2011, 11:24 AM
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Thank you all for the advice. I'm going to take it one step at a time. I know quitting is easy and eject is the first thing people think of. I will give it a fair shot. I'm not sure I'm ready for counseling. Not that I don’t think it’s a good thing it’s just something I know I will have a hard time with. I'm very reserved and defensive of my thoughts, not a good thing.

I hope I change because as days go by I find myself more distant than usual. My wife is amazing person and loving but for some reason we don’t click with it comes to everyday living together.
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Old 01-17-2011, 02:15 PM
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it sounds like you do still want to try to fix this. Give it a shot, but please go in with an open mind. If you can save your marriage it is worth the effort. I doubt there are many people on here that will tell you different. Just remember that you shouldn't change to be something you are not, change the way you relate to her and that may help.

good luck!
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Old 01-17-2011, 03:11 PM
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Councilling is the easy part, it's applying the learning and incorporating the changes and communications to your everyday life that is the hard part. If it's important enough to you, you will do it, but only you can decide how much of a priority it is to you.
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