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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 12:32 AM
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Thanks Stripes. The information you outlined in #1 is exactly what ive been doing and will continue doing, no matter what. When you say I should outline a plan..im not sure what you mean. Ive asked her if i can have the kids from Tues-Sunday every second week and she says no. She says they are happy where they are and she refuses to attend mediation unless i agree to waive my request for 50/50. I think at this point all i can do is get a lawyer and fight. thanks for the help.
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Old 05-15-2014, 06:37 AM
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Do you have written proof that you have requested 50-50 parenting time, such as emails? Do you have proof she has denied you parenting time from the start and has played gate keeper? Do you have proof she only offered you 40 %? All this will help your case for 50-50.

As was said, going forward only pay off set child support and every time you send support, state that you believe the children should reside 50-50 with each parent, thus the off set amount is what you are sending.

The longer this drags on the better chance she gets at keeping status quo. Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Ask the lawyer about cases where one parent created a false status quo, this is basically what she has done.

The biggest thing is, you don't have an agreement or court order. If you had your kids for a weekend, there is nothing stopping you from keeping them the Sunday night. She will get mad, call the police, they will tell her there is nothing they can do. Not ideal and I don't recommend creating conflict but you could do so.
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:59 AM
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- yes i have TONS of written proof where i have requested 50-50. I have all her texts/emails where she clearly states she will never agree to anything other than 60-40 and therefore she sees no point in attending mediation.
- im not sure how to calculate "off set" C/S. I've been using mysupportcalculator.ca and i dont think it calcuates offset C/S.
- i did attempt to keep the kids longer than what she allowed one weekend however; this upset my daughter. My daugther who is 9 told me that she wasnt allowed to go off the 'schedule' mommy made. My ex gave my daughter a phone and my ex will text her telling her its time to come home when the kids are with me. When this happens, my daughter becomes very upset and I cant stand to see her like that so I comply.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by very_sad_dad View Post
- im not sure how to calculate "off set" C/S. I've been using mysupportcalculator.ca and i dont think it calcuates offset C/S.
Offset is for any access situation between 40 and 60. It takes what you would pay her in table CS and what she would pay you in table CS and only the difference is actually paid (half the difference if you really want to be fair). So you would need to know her income. You should know it already, because of needing it to calculate the extraordinary expenses ratio, but if you don't, just guesstimate high, and she's sure to correct you. If she hasn't got an income, because a new partner is supporting her, assign her an approximate income based on her education and work experience, or full time minimum wage (this is called imputing, by the way).

Quote:
Originally Posted by very_sad_dad View Post
- i did attempt to keep the kids longer than what she allowed one weekend however; this upset my daughter. My daugther who is 9 told me that she wasnt allowed to go off the 'schedule' mommy made. My ex gave my daughter a phone and my ex will text her telling her its time to come home when the kids are with me. When this happens, my daughter becomes very upset and I cant stand to see her like that so I comply.
Keep in mind that it's not YOU upsetting your daughter by trying to work towards 50-50 custody, it's your EX upsetting your daughter by restricting the time.

Work on changing this attitude slowly. Mention that the schedule is not something mommy dictates, but something that you and mommy are in the middle of working out together. Make sure the kids are in the middle of something fun when mommy texts. Even better, take the phone away when the kids arrive, telling them they don't need it this weekend, and return it at the end of your access.

Don't keep the children unexpectedly past the time your ex 'dictated' but inform her in advance that you will be returning them at X time. Make it a reasonable time, such as a half hour before bedtime. If your weekend lands on a holiday, keep them the extra day and return them on the Monday evening as you would have on the Sunday for a normal weekend. Etc. Nothing unreasonable. Even better, start suggesting that exchanges happen through the school, so that you will get them to school on Monday mornings.

Your ex is placing the children in the middle of your fight, which isn't right for them. Your job is to reassure them that you love them, that you are both still equal parents, that it's okay for them to also love their mother, and that you and their mother are doing your best to make the schedule work out best for everybody, but that it will take some time to get it right. Other than repeating those ideas when an issue comes up, try to make your access time have as few references to their mother as possible.

You may not have the 50-50 you want right now, but you do have enough access to make sure that their mother isn't alienating them, so make the most of it until you can get more. Never skip an access for any reason.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:18 PM
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Look, you have done NOTHING wrong.

Your ex is using the kids for money and abusing them and you by restricting access.

Yes, in hind sight you should have gone to court right away.

You can start paying CS right now (table amount - don't listen to your ex for amount), and at the same time file in court for 50/50 access. Don't settle for ANYTHING else. 60/40 is a disgusting and obvious ploy for unreasonable CS. Don't pay retro CS unless ordered to.

One year status quo should not matter - you've been living with them full time for their whole lives - one year every other weekend should not change their/your right to 50/50, especially when it was the mom's unilateral decision.

Its too bad you let society dictate your access (ie the woman gets the kids), but don't beat yourself up about it - you thought your ex would be reasonable, but she is not, she's an alienating self centred money hungry bitch.

As for you having a GF - good on you. I hope that goes well for you.

Last edited by billm; 05-15-2014 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 05-15-2014, 01:13 PM
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Ok so just so im clear...i should be paying the table amount right now correct, and not the offset amount. I only see my kids thurs, fri, sat and sun every second week so I think i have to pay the table amount because im under the 40%.

Also -many times ive attempted to keep the kids for an extra day. The result..she shows up at my house..or in one case...at a family gathering..screaming that im refusing to let her see her kids...at which point my kids hide in their room while the eldest takes off down the street. Not a good scene. Or just last weekend..she agreed to let the kids come to my parents for a few hours to attend a family gathering. But then stupid me..after she agreed i also told her that i would be bringing the kids to school on tuesday morning instead of monday morning...because of the holiday on monday. The result....she refused to drop the kids at the family event last weekend for the few hours until i agreed to take the kids back on monday instead of tuesday. I refused to agree to that...so she withheld the kids from the family event she had already agreed they could attend. Hair pulling!
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Old 05-15-2014, 01:17 PM
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A useful tool that many people have used is a software program Our Family Wizard. You can read about it online.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 01:20 PM
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She is running the show but what can I do. My kids are stuck in the middle. The kids feel so bad for her when she shows up screaming and ranting and the only way to make her stop is for the kids to go with her so thats what they do. I cant just show up at her house and insist the kids get in the car on "my days" because at the end of the day they are the ones crying in the living room and i cant do that to them.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 01:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by very_sad_dad View Post
Ok so just so im clear...i should be paying the table amount right now correct, and not the offset amount. I only see my kids thurs, fri, sat and sun every second week so I think i have to pay the table amount because im under the 40%.

Also -many times ive attempted to keep the kids for an extra day. The result..she shows up at my house..or in one case...at a family gathering..screaming that im refusing to let her see her kids...at which point my kids hide in their room while the eldest takes off down the street. Not a good scene. Or just last weekend..she agreed to let the kids come to my parents for a few hours to attend a family gathering. But then stupid me..after she agreed i also told her that i would be bringing the kids to school on tuesday morning instead of monday morning...because of the holiday on monday. The result....she refused to drop the kids at the family event last weekend for the few hours until i agreed to take the kids back on monday instead of tuesday. I refused to agree to that...so she withheld the kids from the family event she had already agreed they could attend. Hair pulling!
Document all that. And start recording your interactions with her.

I personally like the idea of you paying offset - and being very very clear that 50/50 is the access schedule you are assuming and implementing and that she has been and continues to unilateral deny equal access which is in the best interest of the kids. You don't have an agreement of any kind - who the hell is she to take over?? Stop being a door mat. Get to court asap for an 50/50 order.

Don't ever state that you are every other weekend access - you ARE 50/50, its just that she continually denies and interferes with access, so now you are going to court to enforce 50/50

Also, it seems like you are enabling her. If you have the kids and she is interfering with access by being an uninvited guest - call the police (would like to hear feedback from the forum on this).

Be business like in all dealings - just state that equal parenting is best for the kids. Make sure you never say or do anything that you would not want a judge to see.

Last edited by billm; 05-15-2014 at 01:26 PM.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2014, 01:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by very_sad_dad View Post
She is running the show but what can I do. My kids are stuck in the middle. The kids feel so bad for her when she shows up screaming and ranting and the only way to make her stop is for the kids to go with her so thats what they do. I cant just show up at her house and insist the kids get in the car on "my days" because at the end of the day they are the ones crying in the living room and i cant do that to them.
Fair enough, but if you continue on your path - you will not raise your own kids. That is not good for them, especially considering their hysterical other parent.

Some pain now, for gain later perhaps - they are your kids equally damnit. Perhaps let them know that you are going to go to 50/50 whether mom likes it or not and that they have to let you worry about mom on your access time - tell them that they don't belong in the middle. Again, it is not you putting them there - you and them deserve 50/50.

Waiting a year to make this happen has made it harder for you and them, but all that means is to not wait any longer.
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