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Old 05-14-2014, 07:02 PM
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Default First day here - this is my story- I think i messed up

Wasnt sure which thread to post to. Apologies if this is the wrong one.

For one year, I didn't pay C/S. I now know i should have and scared I will now lose my kids.
Reason I didnt pay:
-She moved out of our home while i was away with our 3 kids (aged 10-14) and then denied me access.-She "told" me when I could see the kids, which was Fri, Sat and Sun and every second Wednesday. 4/14 days. I wanted to see the kids on a 50-50 schedule (Mon - Sunday every second week.) She said no. So I showed up at school or at her house when I believed the kids should be with me and everytime I showed up she denied me access by locking doors or running to car. Not good, so I stopped showing up as not to cause more chaos for kids. My belief, for not paying, whether wrong or right, was that the kids should be with me 50% of the time, so if she was having a hard time financially paying for the kids, all she had to do was drop the kids off. I want my kids 50% of time. I have zero say in parenting decisions (i.e she does what she wants whether I agree or not for example she allows my 14 yr old to have sleep overs with his GF which i COMPLETELY disagree with!). I cant do homework with my kids, or make lunches, or take them to their sporting events. I have no say in any of their upbringing. I have a close family and we all live within 30km of each other and the only people missing now from holiday events are my 3 kids. They miss out playing with their cousins and seeing their grandparents and aunts and uncles. I'm devastated. From the outside, I now understand that it appears as though I didnt want to pay child support but that is not the case. I didnt want to pay her to watch my kids when I was readily available to care for them. I felt as though she was asking me to pay some sort of "babysitting" fee which I felt was not necessary because I was and still am available 7 days of the week to care for them. She won't let me see my kids for more than 4/14 days and then demands I pay support. I now regret that I didnt go to a lawyer the day she moved out. I have let the situation be status quo for 1 year now because I really thought she would eventually let me see my kids. Now, I know that will never happen. I never thought my ex would be this cruel and its taken me a full year to realize but now i fear i sat for too long and did nothing. I dont know where to start now with legal proceedings. I know court will take a long time and im just starting to learn about it but what I do now? I am going to pay her the money I owe for the past year, but how do i get more time with my kids going foward? 4 days is NOT enough. I want 7/14 days or 6/14 at the very minimum. How to I get her to make the kids come and see me? Do I have to stay in this 4 day situation until we get to court. Every day the kids stay with her is another day she manipulates them. Is there anyway to get a court or judge to tell her to STOP talking to the kids about our seperation ( we were never married but were common law for 15 years). She tells the kids that I will pick them up and never take them home again (this is what my daughter told me). I have a GF now and she tells them that daddy doesnt want to be with the kids, he only wants to be with his GF. she should not be allowed to say things like that. Is there any chance a judge will still allow me to see my kids even though i failed to pay her the money she wanted every month over the last year. She has retained a lawyer and keeps telling me that she doesnt want to take me to court but that she wants XXX amount of money and if i dont pay the number she has come up with she has no choice. I asked her to go to mediation and she said she will not go unless i take 50-50 off the table. She said the only way she will go to mediation is if i agree to 60-40 which defeats the purpose of even going to mediation. So for the long message. I guess my bottom line question is how can I get more time with my kids RIGHT NOW. From what I've heard, getting lawyers, and going to court can take years...so in the meantime...how do i get time with the kids NOW.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:14 PM
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If she hasn't served you with any papers then she too has waited a year. It took two of you to get into this situation.

It won't take years to get to court. I would suggest that you hire a lawyer. See if your employment benefit plan offers any sort of counselling and/or legal assistance. That might help you to start out.

If you were represented by counsel a year ago you would be in a very dicey situation right now (ignoring lawyer's advice). Perhaps if you find a good lawyer you can dig your way out of this situation.

For the time being I would be very cautious about what you put into writing/emails to your ex before you get some legal advice.


From what you have written BOTH of you are using the children as bargaining chips. This is not a good thing. I believe you have to start separating the money from the custody issues as you will be told, over and over again, that Child Support is the Right of the Child.

Last edited by arabian; 05-14-2014 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:26 PM
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it took me a long time to realize it Arabian, but you are correct. I didn't realize that i too was guilty of using the kids as bargaining chips by not paying her what she wanted. Now i just want to focus on making right my wrongs without losing my kids. If anyone has any advice about where to find a good lawyer well versed on fathers rights and child custody it would be appreciated. Im in the ottawa area. I really want to know if there is some sort of immediate action i can take to see my kids ASAP.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:43 PM
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One of the posters on here might be able to help you (Orleans Lawyer). Maybe send OrleansLawyer a private message (PM).

I am from Alberta so I can't recommend any names.

I found my lawyer through the yellow pages and I am very pleased with him.

There is much information on this forum on how to select the right lawyer. Just put the subject in the search area and go from there.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:03 PM
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Sometimes one of the parents get mad and takes off with the kid(s) but after awhile the parent cools off and comes back. This time the parent with the kids didn't

Your siting in the house wondering what the heck is going on and trying to figure out how to proceed. Months later when the finality of it all hits you try to work matters out without Court. That's what the system wants for couples to work things out without going to Court.

You haven't got the access you want as of yet and the ex is fed up with no money and retained a lawyer.

Your absolutely correct ...you lose.....not because of the time that's past, but only because it's the "my way or the highway attitude". Technically you cut your own kids off financial support in a very difficult time.

Judges love reasonable parents and that's who gets 50-50. Why not go get your assessed taxes and the Child Support Tables and start writing some checks for your 2 kids.

Then with the checks (certified ones for Court) send a note to ex's lawyer that you want a start date for the separation agreement and here's 10 interim checks and wish to mediate a settlement to increase your access to 50%.

You might save yourself (because you have no Separation Agreement or Court Order currently) and have a shot in Court for 50-50. If you think it's so hard to cut 10 checks now....you'll find it harder to write 120 of them later

Huge mistake bringing a girlfriend around just one year after separation, and yes to anyone including a Judge (not to mention dumping her on your already confused kids) The optics are terrible. Judge will make sure this first family gets taken care of before you start a second family. Fix this

Last edited by MrToronto; 05-14-2014 at 08:34 PM.
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Old 05-14-2014, 10:23 PM
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"Why not go get your assessed taxes and the Child Support Tables and start writing some checks for your 2 kids." - thats exactly what I did. I cut one cheque that covers the past 12 months. And going forward, I've committed to paying a monthly cheque based on the C/S tables. Ive agreed to do this despite the fact she wont let me see the kids more than 4/14 days. I understand NOW that I didnt handle things great at the beginning but i want to fix now and all i want is to see my kids 50% of the time. As for the girlfriend issue, my ex had a lengthy affair before we seperated; thus the cause of the seperation. However; Im not here to discuss personal issues. I dont think my status of being single or not has any relevance to me wanting to see my kids. My kids have no idea im dating as I dont want to add to the confusion in thier life but again i just want to focus on the law and getting my kids back.
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Old 05-14-2014, 10:27 PM
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"send a note to ex's lawyer that you want a start date for the separation agreement and here's 10 interim checks and wish to mediate a settlement to increase your access to 50%." - i dont understand what you mean when you say i should ask for a "start date for the seperation agreement". What does a start date mean? is that the date she moved out of the house with the kids? how is a start date relevant to anything?
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:43 PM
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Very sad dad - I am humbled by your post.
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:48 PM
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Let's see, I thought you wrote what your ex is going to say to a Judge:

"For one year, I didn't pay C/S. I now know i should"

"My belief, for not paying, whether wrong or right, was that the kids should be with me 50% of the time,"

She won't let me see my kids for more than 4/14 days and then demands I pay support

Anyways, I didn't read about a 1 year check you wrote in your first thread.... so you wrote the check for the beginning of this month?

If you read my post and it looks like you tried, I was giving you a starting point to negotiate a settlement. SO that you could play stupid on when to start Child Support.

I guess what you really "don't want" if you had any brains is an ex saying the kids are in a stable environment with MOM for the last year and DAD hasn't paid a nickel in Child Support and won't pay child support unless he gets his way although MOM has offered access to DAD but DAD doesn't want any access because he needs someone to blame so DAD can run off and play with his gf with a clear conscience.

That's what it looks like my friend.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:09 AM
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There are two distinct issues here:

1. Child support. You have to pay it. It sounds like you realize this now. Send your ex a cheque every month for the offset amount going forward, and pay her arrears based on the full table amount for the last year when they were residing primarily with their mother, beginning from when they moved out. Yes, this will be very expensive. Continue sending these cheques no matter what happens with your desire for increased access. If you cut your children off from the financial resources they are entitled to, no one is going to take seriously your claims to be a concerned father.

2. Access/residency. If the status quo is that the kids have been residing primarily with their mother, it will be difficult to go to 50/50 at the drop of a hat. Send your ex a plan for gradually increasing residency up to 50/50 over the course of a couple of months. Summer is a good time to do this, because you don't have to worry about disrupting school routines. If your ex won't agree to this and won't mediate, get yourself a lawyer. This will be expensive too.

There is nothing you or a judge can do about your ex telling the kids stuff about you, and there is nothing you or a judge can do about her parenting style if it differs from yours.

Yes, you screwed up, but the situation is salvageable if you're willing to commit money and time to fixing it. Good luck!
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