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Old 10-23-2010, 02:44 PM
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Default Fighting Desperately Now my own Lawyer

The case before me is rather torrid, high conflict and very much a battle royal. I have to battle not only an uncooperative abusive ex but a dual-justice system that does not work.

I live in Petawawa, Ontario located in Renfrew County. Renfrew is one of two counties left on the antiquated dual-justice system. The case started in 2007 when I and my children left, on my then lawyers "authority". All of my family and friends are in Kingston, Ontario. My ex was able to cut me off from all my family & friends and moved us here to Petawawa where his family and life is. The deal when we moved was that we would move for one year so he could open his new business with his friend Chris. If said business did not work then we would move back home to Kingston. The business failed we did not move.

We had a very long and tiring trial that did not finish. I was on the stand for 7 days and he was up on three accounts of assault and one charge of sexual assault. The deal at the time was if I asked the crown to drop the charges that I would have my kids. I wasn't left with any other choice. I asked the crowne to drop the charges and despite them having as they told me, "more solid evidence in this case then any other in 10 years". They said he was going away for sure and they didn't want to drop the charges. They finally agreed and we agreed to settle the case with an agreement. I did not get my children. Mobility to Kingston was not possbile and I had to return to Kingston on my own. He wound up in the agreement with the house, car (I bought), boat and tailer (i bought) and primary. I wound up with three weekends of the month and him traveling on Sundays only to pick them up.

Last year I was injured couldn't travel and he refused to bring the girls to me to visit. I didn't see them until December. During the year I relearned to walk and by then was walking with my canes. Oh wait sorry I did see them in July when he couldn't find a babysitter for them as the new wife didn't want them nor did his family. He was forced to bring them down to me so he could go to Manitoulin Island for his annual boys golf week of porn, drinking, hookers and golf. I only saw them in December when he was marriing to his long time mistress Dawn on New Year's Day and wanted the girls to be at the wedding. I agreed to having the girls seeing as I had no communication and no custody time with them at all.

During our time they told me awful things about the new mistress and the situation at dad's home. They begged to move in with me, which of course I couldn't grant to them. I made the decision to move back to Petawawa despite my three restraining orders against the man being lapsed because I couldn't get into court. I was on legal aid at the time and the lawyer wasn't doing anything.

My legal aid ran out. The lawyers are gone and I am now left to travers the legal field on my own. I am up against a seasoned lawyer Peter Sammon. I filed my first paperwork for an emergency motion for September 17th, 2010 appearance and we made it to court. The judge wouldn't let me speak as I didn't have a lawyer present and out of turn he let Sammon tell him what the case is. By the judge's own admittal he hadn't read the case paperwork before him at all!!

Sammon bauked that the motion before the court was not an emergency motion but a variation of motion. I was being nice I was adressing only the immediate issues before my children that need attention. Interim custody for living arrangments with me, visitation for Steve as the girls wish and an OCL lawyer to be appointed to them. I also asked that the court appoint mediation/arbitrator despite the fact that it's in the agreement and the other side was not settling on going. It's been 8 months of me fighting to get them to mediation.

The court ordered a mediation session to be set up. We met with Chantel Carvallo yesterday and it failed. 500.00 retainer and 175.00 an hour for nothing. She wanted to send us away with "homework" in communication to speak weekly on Sundays at 9:30. WTF? We were there to reach an agreement on the issues not social councelling which failed during the marriage!! I am appauled. If I were looking for that I would have been married still!! It was a waste of money, time and energy.

Now we have a court appearance Friday coming. Second apperance for the September order. I am redoing the entire paperwork for a Motion to Vary to now included everything from custody to support, non involvement of new wife (issues there for proper care), supervised visits for dad (OPP involved weekly with exchanges). I have to get this done as I believe Sammon will ask to adjourn come this Friday as it's an 'improper Motion to Vary."

I am living in the Armpit of Hell where I am scared for my life daily, have the ex's family apparently following me around town so now I stay home if not with the kids, we have the OPP involved nearly weekly at exchanges, he takes the kids out of province without getting travel permissions, he keeps the girls away from me all week including net and phone while at dads, plus having no family & friends here. I am scratching out a living as a Child Care Provider 7 days a week including evenings and weekends, while fighting for my children around the clock and learning different acts and court proceedures.

We had two girls now ages 11 and 13. They are caught in the middle of this and it's a shame seeing as they have no lawyer. They have told a lot of people they want to live with mom and they want things to change. Dad continues to ignore their wishes and continues to alienate them from their mother who is now only 4km to be here.They could bike it if dad let them and he will not. yet he will let them bike to a friends house who is on the next street over and I'm on the corner. He admitted in mediation to spying on me by videotaping and recording me. This is the kind of person who should have two girls? Strange thing is that I don't keep them from him. Anyone can help?
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Old 10-23-2010, 03:29 PM
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well the plus side is that your daughter who is 13 can have some imput on where she wants to live. When does the other one turn 12??

Sounds like your ex is a whack job
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Old 10-23-2010, 07:33 PM
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There is a lot of whacky here.
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
There is a lot of whacky here.

Agreed!!!!
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:15 AM
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Only problem is that both daughters report that they are being told about how much better things are there, how much more they have monitarily/possession wise etc. As well as being told: mom won't let you do this, you can't go there with mom, you can't have your friends over, you won't be going to sleep overs and how awful I am. They are also being dictated as to what the arrangements for custody are. Meanwhile I'm telling them to say what they want from their heart disregarding what mommy or daddy or anyone else wants for them to say. It's there opinion and their wishes and no one can take that away from them. They are free to feel and say what they wish to who they wish. They get the opposite answer on the other side. I am fighting to get them an OCL but it's not happening at all!
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Old 10-24-2010, 10:17 AM
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Sorry standing...youngest turns 12 end of January.
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaDM View Post
Only problem is that both daughters report that they are being told about how much better things are there, how much more they have monitarily/possession wise etc. As well as being told: mom won't let you do this, you can't go there with mom, you can't have your friends over, you won't be going to sleep overs and how awful I am. They are also being dictated as to what the arrangements for custody are. Meanwhile I'm telling them to say what they want from their heart disregarding what mommy or daddy or anyone else wants for them to say. It's there opinion and their wishes and no one can take that away from them. They are free to feel and say what they wish to who they wish. They get the opposite answer on the other side. I am fighting to get them an OCL but it's not happening at all!
Wrong answer.

You are only telling them to speak from their heart because the answers you know are forthcoming are in agreement with what you want.

You should be working to protect and nurture their positive regard for their father even if the father isn't doing the same.

There is sssooo much in your first post that I would like to question:

-living in the Armpit of Hell?
-scared for you life daily? (holy drama queen, if you're really that scared, get the hell out of Dodge)
-what was the nature of the accident that required you to learn how to walk again Drama?
-why is it his responsiblity to bring the kids to you? don't you have friends/family that can do that?
-he cut you off from family and friends? you moved there with him

Frankly, I would be shocked if this is as you represent it i.e. that he is totally to blame and you are the sad sad victim. There's two sides to every story. We're not likely to hear his here, but methinks you are a mess as well. You play the pity card beyond belief.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:06 PM
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I do agree that the Petawawa area is an armpit. Not sure if it is the armpit of hell, but you may be able to smell it from there.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaDM View Post
Only problem is that both daughters report that they are being told about how much better things are there, how much more they have monitarily/possession wise etc. As well as being told: mom won't let you do this, you can't go there with mom, you can't have your friends over, you won't be going to sleep overs and how awful I am. They are also being dictated as to what the arrangements for custody are. Meanwhile I'm telling them to say what they want from their heart disregarding what mommy or daddy or anyone else wants for them to say. It's there opinion and their wishes and no one can take that away from them. They are free to feel and say what they wish to who they wish. They get the opposite answer on the other side. I am fighting to get them an OCL but it's not happening at all!
I go daily trying to hold my breath about their mother, but I manage to say 'always be good for your mom', 'have fun with mom', even though I know it is not reciprocated in return by any means of the imagination. I am too lacking financial resources, mainly because of the monies out to my gainfully employed ex how makes 15K more a year more than I, and I still have to put a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their mouths, and I still manage to do all of those things better than she, (oh and she has the children 1 day a week more than I do!), I am about to go bankrupt. I guess what I am getting at is, even though the other side may be financially much better off, you still need to find a way to interact with your children that doesn't cost money to let them know you love them.

As for you not seeing them, that he did not bring them to you, I find that answer not credible, 'where there s a will there was a way'...if you wanted to see your children bad enough you would of done it. The move closer to where your children are living is now a good start.

I hope that all of your blame in this is well warranted, what you're saying is the full truth, because if this is in any way a means to try and get the children or courts on your side, you will lose in the end and you children will hate you for it. I can guarantee you that if you get this Children's Lawyer assigned as my ex did, all I can say to you is be careful for what you ask....they'll find out everything....which is what happened to my ex...and the report had the opposite outcome of what she wanted or reasons for getting it done in the first place.

Good Luck

Last edited by LostFather; 10-24-2010 at 01:56 PM.
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Old 10-24-2010, 02:12 PM
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Interesting retort indeed.

Yes there are two sides to every story.

Dad is to blame highly as he is the abuser and adulterer. Yes, that can be seen as being caused by both parties. I did move here with him on stipulations which he fell through on. The cutting off from family & friends was a gradul and systematic occurance over the years. It's a control feature that is used by these types, I've come to learn. Yes, I am scared but more scared for my children's lives and how they may develop emotionally. Should there be a physcial altercation between their dad and I, I am ready for it and won't back down again. I have armed myself with legal information in which to fight him as well as a determination to show him I'm no longer backing down or the scare little mouse he knew. I have presented him with solutions found in many books, from OPP and legal counsels. He refuses to negotiate or budge on anything not his way. Again control issue. He'll just have to struggle with that.

Father gets away with what he does because he is so well connected. I knew that in moving back here. I have been prepared to do what I must. He likes to say this is his hometown not mine. He knows everybody. Well that is true:

He is connected as is the new wife (old mistress). He an ex municipal employee of two townships, she is working for a mayor locally. He's sat on the Police committee and other committess for both local municipalities and business associations. He's lived here nearly his entire life. His family, friends and history are here. So naturally he is connected.

The accident's nature is none of your concern but bad enough that it required physio all year, medications, hospital visits and time off. It was what it was. No I did not have anyone else to get my girls. It's a long trip and exchange is on Fridays. Who is going to take a day off work to do that? I certainly couldn't afford to pay someone their day's wages, plus gas, plus time to get them. They are too young to ride bus, train, taxi or plane between Pet and KTown. When informed of the situation he was unbending. In reverse yes I would have travelled with the children. That's just me because I want my children to know and love their father. FYI no planes between the two areas.

As for telling my daughters to speak from their hearts, I tell them that because that's what they should be doing all the time. Irregardless of whether or not mommy, daddy or anyone else in the family or friends circles agrees with what the children wish, they need to learn that speaking up for themselves, even when met with beligerance, is a good thing. It will make them strong women. It gives them validity in their own rights of opinion and speach. This is something lacking from their father's side where he tells them what to say or tells them "well if someone else says it like your grandmother then I'm not really saying it and I can't get in trouble". This is undermining to both sides and teaching the girls a very bad lesson. Either way the children's wishes go, it's not a who wins or looses situation for my ex and I. As parents we both have to suck it up as to whatever the children's wishes are. They deserve our respect and listening to their input into their own lives is a huge part of that. We want them to be able to talk to both of us freely and openly without any fall out from that.

I fully support their relationship with their father and always have since day one. I even stated to the judge in court that despite how bad a father I think he is, the children need both parents in their lives daily. That they need their father as well and to know and love him because you can't pick your family and your stuck with them so learn to live with them. He'll learn along the way and improve. That's just being a parent.

When they present me with a question of why is dad so mean about a situation? I simply say "well he's not trying to be mean. It's just the way he is and thinks. You have to love him for him". On the other end the children report bad mouthing in high amounts by everyone. I would definately love to tell them everything that happened and how awful he's been to mom. I'm not the one who gives them court documents and private emails between mom and dad to read. What would my daughters gain other than more hurt?

So I grin and bear it and tell them pleasantries for their sakes. Would I go against court order to have a phone installed in their room for private phone calls with the other parent. No. He has since day one. Would I ground them constently from communication methods with the other parent? No. Would I allow them to visit Dad as much and often as they wish without restrictions given the now 4km distance? Yes. Why? They need both parents and to feel they are free to go between them as the loving parents we each are. This also needs to be free of any interrogation methods and quilt for them. It needs to be reciprocated. It obviously is not and is very puzzling to even the mediator as to why.

Have we both made mistakes as parents? Yes and will probably continue to do so as everyone does. Kids don't come with a manual and neither does divorce and custody. Have we made mistakes as a couple? You betchya otherwise we wouldn't be divorced. Communication was never a good thing in the failed marriage and is now exasberated by hard feelings, head games, high emotions and legal battles. Again no manual for this but there has to be a willingness on both sides to "grin and bear it" for the kids. Now saying that, there also has to be ground rules for each others safety emotionally and physically. We don't have to be friends, just parents. I am simply tired of being the one who bends over backwards and gives without reciprocation or thought of respect.

My post could have been more emotionally charged than I had intended perhaps due in some small part to the closeness of mediation failures of yesterday. I do appologize and because of that perhaps you did take offence to this dadtotheend. My appolgoies to you directly for causing you this upset.

rwm1273 thanks for that. I do tend to think of it as hell but that's my personal emotional experience talking. It does have some nice geography. Lacking otherwise. At least only a 3 hour ride home.
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