Feel like I am trapped.

[hjp]

Hi,

To me, it seems like I am in a spider web and I don't know if it is even possible, or viable, to get out. I suppose a point form summary would be easiest?

-2 months prior to getting married wife was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes
-truthfully, I knew nothing about managing it so I assumed she was taking care of it as she kept it to herself
-wife was working a full time job
-7.5 years ago we got married
-soon after marriage she had a nervous breakdown at work and had to find another job
-it was after this she told me she suffered from depression
-she found a part time job, but started to get sick from diabetes complications. I found out she wasn't managing it at all, but just ignoring it completely
-she had to quit that job because of sickness
-she eventually found another job but lasted only 2 weeks. She was getting sicker and the complications were getting worse
-after quitting this job she had another breakdown and wouldn't deal with anything, even her creditors who were threatening to come after her. I dealt with them on her behalf and paid off the debt and renegotiated the terms of the loans
-she has been on permanent disability for the past 3 years
-she still won't manage her diabetes despite suffering organ complications
-she is getting sicker, can barely walk some days. She's been to the ICU 8 times and still won't change her behavior
-we've never consummated the marriage as it wasn't until after being married she told me she had vaginal issues and couldn't have intercourse
-from day 1 I have paid all the bills. She pays her own credit cards and buys her own clothes, but that's it
-my insurance through work pays for all her pain medication, which if I had to pay for on my own would bankrupt me in 1 month


I am tired of living with a person that doesn't want to help them self and is not only sabotaging her future but mine/ours. I don't see a future for us anymore. Given her situation, is there actually any way that I could separate and not get completely screwed? Her mom lives 1 minute away and I know for a fact she would just move back home. I am now $60k in debt, we don't own anything of value, would it makes sense to claim bankruptcy before proceeding with a divorce? I feel overwhelmed, and likely need a reality check. Any help/insight would be tremendously appreciated.

Thanks

[Pursuinghappiness]

Sorry, I lost my train of thought after I read that you got married 7.5 years ago and never consummated the marriage. Vaginal issues, wow, you must be going blind.

Anyway, non-consummation of a marriage used to be considered grounds for annulment but after 7.5 years, you probably don't have a case and I don't think this applies in Canada anyway under the no-fault divorce laws.

Bottom line, you'll have to apply for a divorce, probably wait the separation year since you have no grounds to divorce earlier and you'll divide the debt evenly. You will have to keep her on health insurance during the separation period.

[Teddie]

Wow, 7.5 years and no sex! That right there is grounds for a divorce.....seriously.

If you own a home get it sold. Don't put off filing for a divorce, just go and do it and expect the debt and assets to likely be split down the middle.

[hjp]

Thanks for the responses! We don't own a home. There are no children, obviously. I don't even care that much about the debt (half of which I brought into the marriage) or assets (there really isn't much, but furniture and my sports equipment, bike etc...) so much as prospective alimony or having to pay for her medications. Based on your knowledge, I guess it's tough to say for sure unless I contact a lawyer, do you think I would have to pay or fund her medications? Thanks again.

[Rioe]

Okay, this is going to sound completely cold, and I apologize for that in advance.

How is this woman still alive?? Honestly, it sounds to me like your best bet is to just endure a year or two longer (but not letting her rack up any more debt) and she'll probably kill herself by not even trying to manage her condition. Is she phobic of needles or something? OMG.

Separate your finances. Gather all paperwork. Take steps to protect yourself, cause once the divorce pending bomb hits her, she'll react. Read up here on "the list" although a lot of it won't apply with no children.

She has an income through her disability pension, and I'm guessing your own income is not particularly stupendous or you'd probably have some assets to speak of. So it's possible you would not owe her spousal support, and even if you did, it would probably be of limited duration, around four years (half the length of the marriage). If she even lasts that long.

Her medication needs are another matter. Talk to your benefits provider and find out if you can keep her on your benefits even post-separation. I know for some benefit plans, you can keep an ex-spouse on as long as you don't have a new spouse to add. Then, you can write into the separation agreement that you will do that, and it looks generous of you. Be sure to put an end date/condition, such as for as long as you must pay spousal support, or until you remarry.

As for your debt, calculate the amount you both owe now, subtract any amounts you each owed individually before marriage, and divide the rest by two. Then you each keep your own pre-marriage debts, plus half the marriage debt.

Take steps now to start minimizing that debt though, instead of letting it get worse as you work through this. Cut off non-essential service, like the internet and cable TV, etc. So what if she doesn't have anything left to do all day while you're at work? Close joint accounts and have your pay deposited into your own where she can't access it, etc.

As for the no-sex thing, yes, it's crazy that this doesn't mean anything in the divorce process, isn't it? But you must have loved her very much in the beginning to stay with her this long, after that withholding of essential relationship information. I don't think her not being forthright at the beginning will have any impact as it's been so long that you would be assumed to have accepted it. And I'm also assuming that the no-sex thing is the main reason for wanting to separate, not the problematic diabetes care. Otherwise, I would suggest you urge her to seek counselling, and to educate yourself on how to manage her diabetes for her, even if you have to inject her yourself.

Diabetes is a terrible disease, and not one to be fought with a denial strategy. Even those who manage it well are subject to complications later in life, mood swings, and often need counselling to cope with related depression and acceptance of the diagnosis.

But overall, this doesn't sound like a woman who intends to live much longer. Sad, but maybe all you have to do is wait her out.

Good luck.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Rioe:

I actually thought something similar regarding hanging in there with a big insurance policy, however, I can tell you that the ones you think have one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel who cause the most trouble possible and outlast us all.

I'm not sure I'd bet my emotional (and obviously physical, given the circumstances) well-being on playing vulture. That's a lot of strain. Reminds me of that movie Jane Eyre with the crazy wife hanging out in the attic.

I still think he should end it. Just my personal opinion however.

[Teddie]

Unless you have very strong proof to state otherwise, the debt will be divided evenly. You may have to pay spousal support but try and have a firm end-date placed on it. Once you're separated you will not be responsible for her medications unless for some reason you agree to it in your separation agreement.

DO NOT stay and wait for her to kick off; take charge of your life and move on. The financial strain, stress and unhappiness will take it's toll on you and it's not worth it. There is more to the world than sitting home and playing nurse to a woman who can't take of herself or her relationship with you.

It took me a long enough time to learn to be more cut throat and I wasted a year of my life. Act now!

[hjp]

I had a good laugh about the whole "wait till she dies part". I have wondered "how soon" myself. While I have thought about playing the vulture I don't think I can "wait it out". I do need to move on and not waste any more time then I already have. Next step I guess is to find a lawyer then...

[Lorac]

Hi hpj,

All joking aside and yes I did laugh also, I find myself understanding the bit about keeping her on your health insurance. I just got back today and my lawyer suggested I try to get my "spouse" and I say that because we have not signed a separation agreement yet. We sent in a proposal and part of it would be that I will attempt to re-instate him on my health insure as his meds run up to $2100 a month. It's a long shot but hopefully he will go for it with a lower Spousal Support Payment.

[May_May]

and don't think about consumating the marriage due to guilt ! ha...

seriously ?

(who posted that link a couple of weeks ago about the French woman who sued her husband for lack of sex ?)