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Old 08-01-2012, 10:35 PM
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Default Do not know which way to go...

I've been in a marriage for 26 years where my husband has tried to control me financially, emotionally, what I do, where I go, how I have nothing to do with the money he earns even though I stayed home and sacrificed my career to grow up our children, about who we have as friends (in fact since I've been with him I never could keep friends because he acted so weird around them) etc. While I was home caring for our children he wouldn't even give me coffee money--I had to use the baby bonus to buy things for the children like clothing I made for them. I would always have to beg him for money for anything including clothes for me or the kids. He could have compromised and organized finances where everyone in the family was provided for but instead he decided to invest in an RRSP and he told me when he maxed that out he would invest outside the RRSP. He never took me to a movie or to even a dinner. We very occasionally would order a pizza. I wanted a family, I wanted a father for the family and I believed in marriage so I stayed with the hopes that he would someday see and things would balance out better but that day never happened. Before the kids I couldn't even convince him to go for a walk with me or jog or any form of physical activity or entertainment. That never changed. He wouldn't go to family fun nights at our daughter's grade school because he thought that was a waste of money. He kept me isolated and didn't know how to communicate with people so eventually the few friends that I had left. I was alone and in the loneliness turned to the Jehovah's Witnesses and everything fell apart. I had a terrible accident and my oldest daughter was killed which has devasted me to this day. I try to move forward and put the tragedy of the past in the past but I just can't convince this man to work with me in this marriage or even to see me as a person. Last July after I was in a car accident and suffered a severe concussion my husband slowly packed his things up and one day walked out. I never noticed anything that he was removing from the house--I was in too much pain. He abandoned me but kept paying the bills and providing me with money. I thought it was strange that he would walk away when I needed him so much and yet still pay for everything. Part of me was telling me he was looking around for something better and if that didn't come true he would be back. I knew it wasn't like him to leave the way he did--I always felt my husband was insanely jealous of me. I tried to get him help but for months afterward he hurt me over and over again and eventually moved back when I told him to either work this out or I'm moving on. It should have been over right? No, he opened other bank accounts without my knowledge, with the statements going to his mother, he frequented bars without me and I eventually found out, he drank beer in his truck (I found empties and still do at times and yet he insists it is only once in awhile when the day is too stressful but he drives a company truck). The worst part was when I notice a message on his cell phone one evening and it was from another woman. He tried to make light of it as if it was nothing but while he was away he promised he couldn't even "consider seeing another woman that he would just mess it up." I was devasted when he left--I had no income, no job and it wasn't likely I would be able to keep one even if I found a job (I suffered a severe mental breakdown after my first daughter was killed in the accident in 1994). During the time he was gone my brother asked me if I was better off before he came into my life or after. I didn't want to answer that but today I realize that I certainly was better off before. I knew who I was and would never let anyone treat me so disrespectfully as my husband has done over the years. I decided to get a puppy to help me with the sheer loneliness I was going though while my husband was away and after he returned he put me through hell because I was getting a dog. We are supposed to pick up the puppy next week and drive 7 hours to pick her up and as we get closer to the time my husband's mood goes from extreme love where he tells me he loves me to extreme hate where he cold shoulders me and ignores me. I know he's worried about finances and through all this I have added to the financial burden somewhat by pulling away from him and managing money on my own. I feel I can't be with him and I worry I don't know how now to be without him. I let him become everything in my life until now where I am changing that with a pet where I can hopefully find peace away from him if I need to with this animal. I know it sounds strange but I have felt so lonely in this marriage for so long and if I do not do everything my husband wants of me he ignores me and withdraws his love. I need this dog to help me find myself again. I was headed in the right direction of self-discovery last July without him but I was so frightened and lonely that I got very little sleep and couldn't eat and lost 22 pounds in 2 weeks. I need to find myself again and I'm hoping with this dog I can get out with the pup when my husband is being hateful and I can feel peace within again even in knowing that I may have to walk away from this marriage. Maybe it is a prepatory stage for me to stand on my own two feet. I am trying to be the woman I lost in this marriage. I am trying to get my health back but I've developed asthma and very serious allergies in 26 years which I never had before I married. I need to find another path and it may very well be on my own. I'm in transition and hopefully can find the road again. Tonight my husband sleeps on the couch because he is so hateful and meanwhile even after taking a tranqulizer I can't sleep. I need help but do not know what to do or where to turn. I've talked to doctors who have provided some support but in the end I need to make a decision and I fear that decision will have to be to leave this marriage....this is all so painful and I feel so alone and frightened to do what I feel I now have no other choice. My doctors told me I've been through 26 years of this do I want to go through another 26 years... Been to marriage counselling over the years several times but he always twists things to make it seem that he is the one who is suffering and I'm the cause of all the problems. Is there any hope?
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:13 PM
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Yes, of course there is hope. And I think by coming here, you know what choice you have to make to find that hope.

A decent man does not treat people this way, and there is no reason for you to stay with a man who is not decent to you.

It sounds like you are not going to be able to do it on your own. We can help you with the legalities, assure you that he will have to financially support you post-separation, but also to help you be realistic that it won't be easy. But the kind of help you need is counselling, on your own, perhaps through your family doctor, to find the confidence you need to stand up to him and leave.

Also, don't get the dog. It won't help, and only gives you another point of vulnerability through which your husband can hurt and control you.

Also, paragraphs.
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:58 PM
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counselling may help, sounds a little like drepession and anxiety, this is the worst place for help not many counselers here. You wrote a nice long story but there's always 2 sides of any story, 26 years is a long time that went fast people get old set in there ways, marriages become dull and mundane, thats nobodys fault. The grass is not greener on the other side it's greener from within yourself.Take stock of yourself and work on your broken parts get new perspectives people are always a work in progress.
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Old 08-02-2012, 01:56 AM
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Welcome to the forum. I can understand how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. I too was married for a long time (30 yrs). It takes a tremendous amount of courage to make such a major change. We thought we married for life... that it would get better.... have to take the good with the bad.... Well that is behind you now. It won't get better and no you don't have to continue on your life making excuses for your husband's "lower than a dog" behavior.

I realize that to make a decision it rips your soul apart and you can feel very helpless. Know this - your surviving children need you in their life. Your situation will soon turn violent if you do not put a stop to things NOW.

Gather as much money as you possibly can and stash it. You will need money to give to a lawyer for a retainer. You will need a minimum of $3,000.00. You need to shop around for a lawyer. Do not go to an old lawyer. Get a young person whom you think will favorably impress a judge and someone who seems genuinely interested. You will need a lawyer to keep you from digressing and burning up his time - someone who will stay focused. Even if you decide not to leave right away you need to get some good legal advice. A good lawyer will give you a list of things you have to get prepared. The list is extensive and ranges from things such as a recent photograph of your husband to any and all financial documentation you can get your hands on. This may take you many months to amass.

You will also need money to see you through for at least 6 months. Things can get nasty quickly. If everything is in his name he can cut off the utilities, quit making mortgage/car payments and empty out the bank account. He can even vandalize your own car to leave you stranded. You definitely need a plan of action. Money, and plenty of it, will help. Slowly remove things from the house that you do not want taken or damaged.

If there is another woman involved get used to the fact that she will, if she hasn't all ready, be advising him on how to "screw you out of everything." My advice to you is to accept that your marriage is likely over. He is a weak individual if he has to leave you for another woman but that is the way these guys who have been married for long time do it. They are too afraid of living by themselves. They are used to having a slave in the house. You.

You are courageous. You are taking control of your future. It is overwhelming but there is life after divorce. It is a great struggle but it is worth it in the end to be rid of such a loser.

Get yourself to a lawyer. Good luck!
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Old 08-02-2012, 02:01 AM
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PS - don't get the dog right now. Reward yourself in your next home and get one then. Assuming the house gets sold, you may have some transition housing which does not allow pets.

Divorce is a really good excuse to down-size and clean house literally!
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Old 08-02-2012, 06:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Welcome to the forum. I can understand how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. I too was married for a long time (30 yrs). It takes a tremendous amount of courage to make such a major change. We thought we married for life... that it would get better.... have to take the good with the bad.... Well that is behind you now. It won't get better and no you don't have to continue on your life making excuses for your husband's "lower than a dog" behavior.

I realize that to make a decision it rips your soul apart and you can feel very helpless. Know this - your surviving children need you in their life. Your situation will soon turn violent if you do not put a stop to things NOW.

Gather as much money as you possibly can and stash it. You will need money to give to a lawyer for a retainer. You will need a minimum of $3,000.00. You need to shop around for a lawyer. Do not go to an old lawyer. Get a young person whom you think will favorably impress a judge and someone who seems genuinely interested. You will need a lawyer to keep you from digressing and burning up his time - someone who will stay focused. Even if you decide not to leave right away you need to get some good legal advice. A good lawyer will give you a list of things you have to get prepared. The list is extensive and ranges from things such as a recent photograph of your husband to any and all financial documentation you can get your hands on. This may take you many months to amass.

You will also need money to see you through for at least 6 months. Things can get nasty quickly. If everything is in his name he can cut off the utilities, quit making mortgage/car payments and empty out the bank account. He can even vandalize your own car to leave you stranded. You definitely need a plan of action. Money, and plenty of it, will help. Slowly remove things from the house that you do not want taken or damaged.

If there is another woman involved get used to the fact that she will, if she hasn't all ready, be advising him on how to "screw you out of everything." My advice to you is to accept that your marriage is likely over. He is a weak individual if he has to leave you for another woman but that is the way these guys who have been married for long time do it. They are too afraid of living by themselves. They are used to having a slave in the house. You.

You are courageous. You are taking control of your future. It is overwhelming but there is life after divorce. It is a great struggle but it is worth it in the end to be rid of such a loser.

Get yourself to a lawyer. Good luck!
not all women are like that and to say they are is totally inflamatory. Everyone on this board knows you have an issue with new partners.
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Old 08-02-2012, 10:05 AM
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theNo1Bet:

Welcome to the forum.

Reading your post....it struck me that your problem doesn't really seem to be the man you're married to...it seems to me that you're very lost in general. While there's no doubt that your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk, per your description, its got to be hard to be married to someone who has such poor self-identity.


Quote:
I was alone and in the loneliness turned to the Jehovah's Witnesses and everything fell apart.
Quote:
I need this dog to help me find myself again.
I think if you get to the point that you need a dog to help you find yourself, you have bigger issues than just your marriage.

My opinion is that you need to seek some counselling to work through your lingering grief and other problems so that you can become functional and independent.

Have you considered maybe doing some empowering things like applying for some classes (with financial aid) or looking for part time work?

If you're not ready for counselling, maybe get into some groups so you can talk through your thoughts?

It does sound like you're having some marital issues but i would guess that even if you leave the marriage, you're still going to have problems if you don't get some help. Do you need a divorce? Maybe but I think you need other things first....and a dog definitely isn't one of them. You can't blame your husband for not knowing who you are when you don't even know who you are. I see a woman who's looking at her husband to "fix" her financial and emotional needs and that's not really what a man...or marriage...is about.

Peace is found from within.
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Old 08-02-2012, 10:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
not all women are like that and to say they are is totally inflamatory. Everyone on this board knows you have an issue with new partners.
Read the thread again,this guy sounds very manipulating and controlling.Who says that after the ex paints a picture of him as the victim of the marriage, that the new woman wont be out defending her man ?I would refrain from blaming the new woman for the ills of a divorce-people can be conned into believing anything.Although I would like to point out a simple rule.If he or she is not on speaking terms with ANY of his or her exes...he or she is most likely the problem.
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Old 08-02-2012, 11:35 AM
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Having a relationship with a married man/woman, when that person is still living with their spouse, is adultery and grounds for immediate divorce in Canada.

Standing on the sidelines - I have no problem with "new partners" in a "new" relationship. I have no problem with "new partners" if they keep their noses out of divorce issues. You know that as do others.

If you want to attack my views on this I would suggest that you start a new thread.
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Old 08-02-2012, 01:17 PM
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theNo1bet

As an x wife from a long term marriage (just short of 29 years), I can understand your hesitation and pain.
The forum is filled with good information as it is also filled with opinionated slants depending where and what experience the author has endured.
First and most important it sounds (IMHO) you need to speak to a medical professional. Anxiety, sleepless nights and depression are some of the strong indicators that support is a good idea.
I know at moments quick fixes (ie dog) seems like a reasonable solution but ultimately it is more responsibility physcially, financially and emotionally. I would suggest that you first tackle other issues before looking for that ultimate unconditional love that we seek.
Planning your future , financially and emotionally is a very important step that you need to consider. Divorce is a very expensive on many levels. I personally had to deal with 3 years of legal and accounting issues to settle my case and although it is over legally, emotionally there is still a lot of work to do.
I speak publicly on behalf of an abuse group, a non-profit organization that deals with women who have been in abusive controlling relationships. They have shelters in 4 major cities across Canada and although they do not offer therapy it is a great resource for women in crisis and do refer to host of places where there is hands on help.
Ultimately we all need to take ownership of our situation. If we are victims of abuse we need to understand why we permitted it, if we have been dependant financially or emotionally we need to recognize it. To heal and improve oneself we need to deal with our weaknesses and be pro--active in seeking the path which will enlighten our future.
Pointing blame is a very negative and does not help us in any way shape or form. New partners and x's should be discussed on a different thread. Right now you need to focus on you, your mental health, the direction you need your life to take and becoming healthy and self-sufficient.
Before you make any major decisions you need to be of sound mind and not be reacting in a rash way.

Last edited by momforever1956; 08-02-2012 at 01:19 PM.
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