Dad will help other Dads

[wretchedotis]

wow. what a passionate thread.

The best one can hope for is to have two parents that put the child first. I wish I could say I always followed that mantra in every dealing with my ex. I'm positive she could say the same thing (whether she actually would or not is another story LOL).

Keep trying to all the Dad's out there. Never give up. I know I won't.

[tt5]

i could use some advice or insight
married 25 years,of which my wife did not work year 3 and 4 but has worked ever since,she doubled my wage for those years as a semi professional [accounting].she had a failed business which caused myself to go bankrupt,lost house and 2 cars as it was never incorporated and i was told it was and doing fine I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED BUT 25 YEARS MARRIED ,I TRUSTED HER .
marriage was in trouble and this business ended it .she asked me to leave home , easiest decision i ever made ..i did with the last of 3 children a 16 year old , following me mths later ,
my other 2 kids attended university and have huge osap bills ,my last kid is at university now but lives with me after school year and i cover all costs not covered .
i live with my girlfriend and continue to work at my job which just covers my bills with a bit of savings ..she has never paid any child support and actually hasn't worked since the first year after we separated ,virtually no contact with any kids and now has huge oxy addictions and may never work ..i can't get her to go for divorce without huge scene and stirring the pot ...
i worry about ss claims when all i want is to help my kids with loans and be able to eke out a existance doing so..that is main reason i have put off divorce ..a lawyer told me to wait 6 years because that makes claims tougher to lay
any responses would be appreciated

[FrusteratedFather]

Hey there my name is Bill. Im new here and not sure how things work or what to expect. Please be patient with me and well if there is a tip or two along the way.... I'm all for it.
My commonlaw spouse and I separated 20 months ago. We have three children in which I have not seen in this period of time. I started out asking to see the children at the house with her present, and she refused to allow this. I asked if I could take them to town to a park for visits and again... No. I suggested visits at either family,friends or neighbors homes and well.... I got the big old no, she claimed the children were afraid of me, scared that I was going to take them from there mother. Then one day C.A.S. calls and says they are investingating us because a third party called them making a statement that they were concerned about my kids fear of me taking them away. They did they're thing and closed the case and refused to tell me anything about it even when I asked what they felt I could do to help put the fears to rest. We went to court I asked for third party visits and got a court order for every other wknd ,an hour per and 3 ten min phone calls a week. The first(and only) visit in Nov 2008 was a flop, I arrived early and waited sooo impatiently for they're arrival. They showed up and refused to come see me. My daughter had previously made a video for me to watch and asked through a worker if I had watched it. I had not and was informed that it was brought to the lawyers office for me to pickup. My daughter stated that they may possibly be interested in visits after the X-mas holidays. I went on a search for the DVD that she made and found it in the possession of my ex's lawyer. I watched it and was happy to hear she was missing me and that she loved me. I was shocked at the "adult" concerns she had regarding some of our material possessions and the argueing that her mother and I had on the phone which she was made to believe was all my doings. We go back to court and then I ask for an order for the Reconciliation Program, and we got the court order for that. Months pass by and the ex shows little effort to get the kids to the clinical therapist nad the courts reconizes it and gave her a stern talkin to and thru this my sons chose not to want to go further with the therapy and my daughter was resilient to it at first. The therapist and childrens lawyer then make a statement that my daughter was ready to proceed with this and watch the video with the clinical therapist. The courts ordered the ex to get my daughter to the program to watch the dvd and we were to return to court in a week to here if the appointment was made, it was the next day. The following monday I called the office of the Youth and Child Services to speak with the theropist and was knocked down to my knees with what I was told. My daughter told the theropist that she was affraid to watch it because she thought if she showed any interest in it that she would be taken from her mom. I've only asked to be apart of my childrens life. Im a wreck no will get me in front of my children to speak with them so we can discuss what they want dad to do. There has been clear signs of negative infuence put in those childrens minds. No one wants to help, all I here is that I need a lawyer. But all I want is to tell my children that I love them and ask what they want me to do next. ITs real hard to keep going. I get on this computer to look for helpful hints and get anxiety feelings and have to walk away. Where the heck are the morals and values in what we call our family courts? How do I get to my children without causing a big disturbance in my childrens lives they have paid a big price already. Please help

[helplessDad]

hi FrustratedFather,

what you should do is google "parental alienation", you'll find all kinds of information regarding what your ex is doing to your kids. she is totally using the kids. does she really have the custody of your kids? I'm pretty sure most parents in this forum will suggest you find a lawyer right away.

[Stepmom2-:)]

to all the dads above.....my heart aches for you all. I know being an ex-wife myself, and having to deal with my ex at the beginning of our separation and eventually divorce, it is extremely stressful for both. But, saying this - one rule that he and I have always lived by is Never to involve the children in our mess. I am a firm believer that we as parents have hurt them enough when their little world gets turned upside down, why make them pay for a choice we made. I am remarried to a wonderful man, who is a father of 2 kids - his exwife has alienated these kids to the point where there is no communication - and when they do come visit, they are sent down to spy on us - and to report back to their mom. I see that all these kids want is to please their mom - and by disrespecting their dad, it pleases her. It has gotten to the point where they have been told that they have to choose their dad, or her - there is intense emotional abuse going on in their home. None of the kids came to our wedding, even though I know they wanted to. The ex-wife has lied about me, their grandparents, even my kids to them. And who is hurting the most - off course their father, but most importantly the kids. They are angry teenagers who up until the summer told me many times how much they loved me. My heart is broken, his heart is broken and now my kids feel they have lost their step-sisters. It blows my mind that one individual could cause so much pain and suffering - and for what? These kids need their dad, and one day I am hopeful they will come around.

I am 100% behind you guys, and my husband is going the same as you all....you men need to stick together.

[Momymonkey]

Hi Stepmom,
I understand your pain completly. I am the non custodial parent and it was the hardest decision I ever made, but it was right for the kids at the time. Since that time, my ex husband has done his best to make them hate me. I have persevered and chose not to acknowledge his hatred for me by retaliating. I have chosen to sit comfortably on the sidelines and watch him screw his relationship up with our children.

I see my children all the time and speak to them on the phone daily, but not once, not ever do I disrespect their father(cant say that I dont want to.........). A rule I had from the start, the kids are not to be involved.......period!! He has chosen to have hour long lectures on how much he hates me and make false accusations against me. I have proven those allegations wrong on numerous occassions and my older boys(20 & 18) are seeing the light.............

So Stepmom, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and your husband will have a wonderful relationship again with his babies. People with that much anger will eventually get caught in their own web. When the time comes for those kids to come back make sure the heart and arms are wide open. They are not the ones who did anything wrong

Good Luck!!

[boxer12]

I was married nine months and bought the house the year before the marriage. My wife moved in after the honeymoon and left 9 months later carrying our only daughter. I live in the house and she and my daughter live with her parents. We have not been to court and have no sparation agreement. We also date occasionally and do family things together with our daughter. This has been my life for two years now. I have been paying child support according to the guidelines. My question is are we legally considered married and am I legally bound to pay child support under these circumstances.

[Ihave2kidsIcannotsee]

Originally Posted by sasha1

You know what, DecentDad? I'm really getting sick and tired of your attitude! I know; polite society (and internet) says not to say things like that, but I'm fed up! I keep trying to be patient with you and your intermittent remarks about the poor victimized fathers out there, realizing you (just like all of us) have your own personal situation that must impact your views, but you're just flat-out becoming an obnoxious pain in the butt! We've ALL got our own sob stories, we've ALL got our own feelings and concerns, or NONE of us would be here, but what makes you think anyone appreciates or benefits from your black and white statements such as this:



I'm a woman in a high conflict divorce, seeking an alternative to court! Even if the odds were ACTUALLY in my favour to get custody and restrict my ex's access (and I continually get the impression they are NOT in spite of my ex being an alcoholic who's still drinking, heavy into drugs now, too, makes a good amount of money every year, yet hasn't paid one thin dime of support in almost 5 months), I STILL think it's imperative that parents do everything possible to work together for their kids' sake, whenever possible.. and nope; haven't seen that "flood of money" you refer to.. for goodness' sakes, tell me where to find it, ok? Because I'm having a hell of a time finding money to buy bigger shoes for my kids, and I can't afford summer PJs or T-shirts; although their "father" made about 90K last year.

I'm continually told and finding through research that if the father's got money and the mother doesn't, the most common 'tactic' is for the father to litigate until the mother has no options or finances left.. I continually see the courts bending over backward to provide "rights" to fathers who have finally 'decided', well into their childrens' lives, to be a part of things NOW that they're 'ready'... I continually see women fighting for the safety and well-being of their kids, and the father getting off on having his "rights" recognized (insert Tim Taylor's "Ugh, ugh, ugh" here), only to wind up not bothering to exercise them, to the detriment of the kids. I continally see fathers not paying their support, yet somehow, the mothers find a way to make damn sure the kids' needs are covered.

Of course, all of the afore-mentioned examples are not indicative of EVERY case, but that's what I have been seeing as the 'standard'. But that's where you and I differ; I recognize that not EVERY dad is that way, and not EVERY mom is that way, and certainly not EVERY case is so easily predicted. Please, show a little respect for the anguish others go through who are NOT in your situation, and stop generalizing every man to be a victim, and every woman to be a monster, will ya?!

Every women is not a monster only ones that take their family through court! (Or Men that do so) There is no need for it and if a women/man was not a monster then he/she would be one to sit down and work it out on paper with his/her ex and not with lawyers and judges! Some people feel the need for power and the court holds out their hand to many men/women and gives them the power they have always wanted over their ex to control there finances and put most of the money into their hands!

It is time people wake up and see the light for what it is and stop putting blind folds on, look at the many men/women in this country that are fighting just to have access to see their own children. Who have over night become a criminal and needs now to go to court to get any access and after going to court and spending thousands gets told by his/her ex you can't have the kids and no one will do a thing about it. It is time for Canada to stop treating non-custodial parents like money trees and not like the parents they are supposed to be they have just as much right to see their children as the custodial parent. This makes me so angry I had better stop rambling now! Anyways just had to vent!

[helplessDad]

Originally Posted by Ihave2kidsIcannotsee

Every women is not a monster only ones that take their family through court! (Or Men that do so) There is no need for it and if a women/man was not a monster then he/she would be one to sit down and work it out on paper with his/her ex and not with lawyers and judges! Some people feel the need for power and the court holds out their hand to many men/women and gives them the power they have always wanted over their ex to control there finances and put most of the money into their hands!

It is time people wake up and see the light for what it is and stop putting blind folds on, look at the many men/women in this country that are fighting just to have access to see their own children. Who have over night become a criminal and needs now to go to court to get any access and after going to court and spending thousands gets told by his/her ex you can't have the kids and no one will do a thing about it. It is time for Canada to stop treating non-custodial parents like money trees and not like the parents they are supposed to be they have just as much right to see their children as the custodial parent. This makes me so angry I had better stop rambling now! Anyways just had to vent!

well said. Currently it's way too easy for moms to win the custody through the court, that's why most of them think of divorce too lightly, or men with tons of money to burn for that matter. Canada needs to realize, their kids are the ultimate victims, and the focus should be to alleviate the damage done to the kids through divorce first. And whether having lawyers for custody issues in each case should be determined by the family court judge on case by case basis because most of the time, it's just not necessary, a simple burden to both parties. ultimately the judge decides what's best for the kids, not the lawyers.

[Tim Cash]

OMG I love you guys!