Afternoon

[Blonde258]

New to all this and not sure where to start. Any advise would be welcome.

[Epona]

Nobody can offer any advise until they know what sort of information you are seeking. :-)

[Blonde258]

Well I've been married for 12 yrs, together 20. He is an alcoholic, been through the tears and the I'm sorry's and thought he would change. Been through the physical abuse and still go through the mental. Everyday drinking and sitting on a computer. Spends no time with me or our 13yr old. What are hugs or kisses, haven't seen or had them in so long I forget. I want to leave but my question is where do I start. Do I just walk away or do I plan something, talk to lawyer etc. Like I said no idea where to start or how to go about it all.

[ruby]

You and your son deserve to be happy. dont lose sight of that. some men will never change, you need to accept that.and make healthy and safe decisions for yourself. at first the steps seem so out of reach, but plan your footing and walk steady, there is something beautiful waiting for you.

[dadtotheend]

ruby,

Some people will never change, men and women.

Blonde258,

Go get yourself to Al-Anon if you haven't already. That is step one.

Go and get some free 1/2 hour consultations with a few lawyers. You don't have to follow through, but you would be well advised to educate yourself as to the lay of the land.

Read some books, here's two for starters:

Tug of War by Harvey Brownstone
Surviving Your Divorce by Michael Cochrane

[AnarX]

Blonde,
I would like to add this: DO NOT TELL HIM you are thinking of leaving until you plan things with a lawyer.

If he gets one whiff of an idea that you are going to leave, he will feel threatened and threatened people act nutty. Given that he is lazy, you may not like how he responds.

[Blonde258]

Thanks, I do have a call into lawyer now just waiting. I also broke the news to my 13 yr old, didn't go well but he knows it is for the best. Another question I have found a house to rent, but needs furnished am I allowed to take anything from the house we have now or am I looking at all new furnishings.

[ruby]

your right what i should have written is that both men and womans behaviour will not change

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by Blonde258

Thanks, I do have a call into lawyer now just waiting. I also broke the news to my 13 yr old, didn't go well but he knows it is for the best. Another question I have found a house to rent, but needs furnished am I allowed to take anything from the house we have now or am I looking at all new furnishings.

Don't know your dynamic at all, but to me it seems that telling your 13 old before telling your ex is way offside!!

Why wouldn't you try and work this through yourself for a while with some counselling and some legal advice, and then tell your husband first? Yes he's going to be sour and perhaps really out of it for a while. But he will eventually digest it.

You owe it to your son to give your hubby an opportunity to present a unified front to your kid as to why you are separating. It seems from this distant vantage point that you are treading into dangerous waters and may be setting the stage for a little PAS or at least forcing the kid to choose sides.

The child is no position to process this information from one parent. Yes the father may have acted very poorly and allowed his life to screw up for many years, but that doesn't mean that you and your son should team up.

Sorry for being so blunt, but telling him like that don't look good from here.

[Blonde258]

Understand what you are saying, but I will explain a little more to you on why I told my son. Because his father is in a drunken rage he goes to a hockey rink two hours before he even has to play just so he's not in the house. Because his father goes into a drunken rage we have had to leave in the middle of the night and go stay at a hotel till it passes. Has the father in the two years the 13 yr old has played hockey ever gone and seen his 13 yr old play, NO. The father that is so involved with playing poker on computer and drinking ruined a 13 yr olds Cristmas last year by staying up all night doing what is more important and not even being able to stand in the morning, that the 13 yr old didn't even bother opening gifts until the father went to bed. Or the day the father drunk again in a rage calls the 13 yr old a fat little bastard. No my son has been through enough and he deserves to know that finally his mother is standing up for them both and trying to make it better. That is why I told my 13 yr old.