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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2014, 09:26 AM
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My parents didn't divorce but perhaps they should have. An affair caused a rift that never healed, and we all felt it. I have 4 brothers, two that have been divorced twice, one once(plus mine). The fifth one has never been married, but did break up with his common law partner, who is the mother of his kids. They are back together now though. My one brother just got married for the third time, and despite a bad track record, this one looks and feels right. They were friends and coworkers for years before they got together, and she was there for him through a difficult recovery from an accident.
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Old 07-21-2014, 09:45 AM
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Neither my parents or my ex's parents were divorced.

But I didn't grow up with any friends who's parents were divorced, that was a time when it wasn't the 'norm'.

Quite frankly, I'm more surprised when my kids make friends with kids who's parents ARE together.
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Old 07-21-2014, 12:37 PM
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This question is a matter of how old one is ... when I was growing up, divorce was very rare - a taboo subject to be discussed in hushed whispers as it was considered to be something shameful.

Nowadays it's no big deal and I've seen couples divorcing over what my parents would have though of as minor annoyances.

The question I ask myself is this: are today's couples more aware of their own feelings and their right to happiness or have we forgotten what true commitment really entails? Seems a lot of young couples have very unrealistic expectations when entering marriage and unfortunately end up disillusioned.

My parents went the distance - till death do us part (52 years) ... was not always easy for them - at times I sorta wished that they had divorced.
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Old 07-21-2014, 01:48 PM
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My father started developing a drinking problem when I was 14, and my brothers were 12 and 11. By the time I was heading off to another city for school, it was terrible. We all wanted my dad to leave and just let my mother move on. She refused to push it because she felt that it would be some giant trauma for us to have our dad gone, even though we were 19, 17, and 16 at the time. We couldn't, for the life of us, convince my mother that we would be fine.

Eventually, they split when I was 21. Honestly, I wished it had been sooner. The whole experience certainly made me question just how much I would want to put up with in my own relationships. Sure enough, after 7 years of marriage, I discovered that my ex-wife had been sleeping with an old high school boyfriend of hers for over a year. We made some attempts at reconciliation, but it was pretty clear that she was never going to be happy enough in our marriage to be trusted for another 30 years. So, we made the difficult decision to split.

Although both my parents divorce and my own featured my mother and I trying to figure out just how much we could put up with, I have to wonder if their divorce ever really affected me that much. I was almost a grown up when it happened, and I was a teenager when I saw it falling apart. It made me very concious of what was going on around me. My kids, in contrast, were 2 and 5 when it all went to hell, and they are now 5 and 8, and never found out about he reason. They never saw mom and dad fight. They were just old, civilly and quietly, that mommy and daddy didn't love each other any more, and that things were changing. Two weeks later, mommy quietly moved out. I can only hope that my own kids will ultimately benefit from the very different ways that my ex and I handled things, as opposed to how my own parents handled it.
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Old 07-22-2014, 10:03 AM
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My own parents have been married for over 40 some odd years and my Xs parents must be breaching into the 30 some odd years, so in that aspect- divorce does not breed divorce.

I would say that dysfunction breeds dysfunction though...
What I mean by that is the dysfunction that children are subject to when growing up, often mirrors itself in their relationships later on in their adulthood.
There is no 'fault' in this, we learn what we are exposed to, or from the ways in which we are conditioned to believe are appropriate behaviour and/or relationships; but not always will that inevitably lead to divorce- it will however usually lead to dysfunction.

When that happens, divorce becomes a means by where we are breaking the cycle. It's where we stand up and say, "I will not be treated this way." or "I will not allow my children to grow up like this." and that's not necessarily a bad thing- it can be a very good thing, and it can stop the passing of such dysfunction to our children, on to theirs, and so on...


In short- divorce is not a learned behaviour, it's those behaviours which lead to divorce which are learned IMO.

I don't think any of us woke up one day and decided that it was beautiful day for divorce; something lead to that decision, and it's that 'something' which has more often then not, been carried over in to our adult relationships by what we have been exposed to in our own family histories.

My 2c
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Old 07-22-2014, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
I would say that dysfunction breeds dysfunction though...
Yeah, that sounds right. Good post... interesting

However I think divorce itself also could be a dysfunction..... because the statistics do show that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves.
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Old 07-22-2014, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Yeah, that sounds right. Good post... interesting

However I think divorce itself also could be a dysfunction..... because the statistics do show that children of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves.
Or maybe children who see an example of a parent standing up for themselves and leaving a bad marriage are less likely to tolerate a bad marriage themselves.

In the past, couples would stay together no matter what infidelity and abuse was going on. It was just swept under the rug and smiling faces were put on for show.

Now, people are unwilling to sacrifice their own happiness just to enable sham marriages to continue for the benefit of a spouse who is wronging them.

I do think the pendulum may have swung a little too far, in that now we have people with inflated senses of entitlement giving up on humdrum marriages instead of putting in the work to turn them around, but that's the nature of social change. I'd rather have that happening than people still being stuck in abusive marriages. My own pain is the cost of sparing worse pain for others, if you think about it that way.
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Old 07-22-2014, 11:41 AM
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Or people who marry too young. Where I live its the norm to get married at 23 and then divorced at 30.
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Old 07-25-2014, 06:54 PM
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My parents were married for 50 years until my father's death.
My siblings have each been married over 20 years.
My ex -- his father and mother have been married and divorced twice. His grandfather left his wife (ex's grandmother) after she bore him eleven children for another woman. That man's father stopped talking to his wife even though they lived in the same home.
In hindsight, I guess I shouldn't have married my (now) ex. :-/
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Old 07-28-2014, 10:42 AM
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To sum all this up then....be wary when you know the family history of the person you are about to get involved with.....feeling of entitlement has to be up there as one of the main reasons relationships crumble.

You look around at the teenage / young adults today, and you just know that the future is going to be rampant with split up. Thanks to the parents that have handed them everything they asked, in their attempt to be "friends/besties" with their kids
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