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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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Old 04-11-2017, 03:02 PM
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Default Were your goals changed?

I'm curious, did anyone change their overall direction in regards to their divorce or custody goals, based primarily on arguments presented to you here? Did a 'random internet stranger' change your mind? I'm referring to major changes, IE custody goal changed from sole to joint.

If it did happen, how was their argument against you presented? What about it actually made you listen and decide to pay attention to it, despite possibly not wanting to?
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Old 04-11-2017, 05:58 PM
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Not for me but I did receive supplemental advice to help me focus and I did validate that I was on the right track.

Its also helped me not worry about trivialities and concentrate on things that matter. If I hadn't posted here, I definitely would have had more angst about the whole process.
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Old 04-11-2017, 08:49 PM
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This forum informed me about CANLII which I didn't know existed.

I found out that procedures in one province can be different than other provinces despite being subject to Divorce Act etc.

I was impressed by all the people who self-represented (successfully). Through their posts I quickly realized all of the time, hard work, and persistence it takes to survive family court matters.

I learned first-hand of struggles people have with child custody. I also learned how manipulative the system is and how it can be used by both sides. I learned about how corrupt legal aid across the country is. I learned about "parental alienation" from both people being accused of it and those who were claiming the other party were doing it to their children. Before being on the forum I had never heard of such a thing.

The forum posts reiterated my previous naive impression of Family Law: money... all comes down to money....

I saw first-hand, on this forum, excellent examples of liars who spin their stories and who eventually believe their own BS. It's comical... it's sad.
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Old 04-11-2017, 09:13 PM
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This site saved my life. I learned a ridiculous amount of useful information about family law. I learned and digested just about every FLR and CLRA, learned how to apply specific caselaw, how to properly draft briefs, affidavits, etc.

I had a pretty great group of people who were there to support me through the toughest life challenges I will probably ever have to face. Let's face it, not many people know what it's like to come home from work one day to find your child abducted and hidden in an undisclosed location. I was a wreck and people here like MrToronto, Arabian, Rockscan and so many more helped me back on my feet and motivated me to do what I had to do.

Probably the most significant thing I've learned from odf is that I had the capability to exercise my rights and the rights of our child. An experience like that (abduction, false allegations, denials of access) renders most people to a state of learned helplessness and they keep getting pumbled by the system so much that they honestly feel like they have no rights. This site taught me my rights and how to fight for the most important thing in my life .. my child.

So I guess you could say it changed my goal or direction in that sense. I went from feeling helpless and not even knowing next move --> to learning everything fast and acting accordingly to have an equal relationship with my daughter. For that, I will never be able to thank odf and most of it's members enough.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 04-11-2017 at 09:21 PM.
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Old 04-11-2017, 10:00 PM
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I was well on my way to being a bitter, crazy, angry and vengeful ex when I found this site. My lawyer was taking advantage of that to egg me on and inflate his bill, and I learned more here than I did from him.

Most of the posters who helped me aren't here any longer, but they gave me some badly needed perspective that the law wasn't there to help me in my crusade.

One of the most important things said around is is to love your children more than you hate your ex. That really helped me refocus.
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Old 04-12-2017, 09:03 AM
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I only wish I had known about this forum earlier in my initial separation. I likely would have been told I was an idiot for leaving the house when she asked me to temporarily leave (she needed "space").
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Old 04-12-2017, 09:34 AM
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I wish my partner had had this forum and a time machine to see what would happen now. He had a really good lawyer but he a) wanted it to be over with and b) wanted to be reasonable. I also wish I had found this forum in our initial days of our relationship as it was instrumental in helping us understand what his rights were.

I have to say, the fundamental advice: don't respond right away, get everything in writing and assert yourself where necessary are the key things above all the caselaw, jurisprudence and paperwork.
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Old 04-13-2017, 03:23 PM
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I didn't know about this site when I was in court first. Legal aid ontario flicked me off basically because I was a dad and wasn't a victim of domestic violence, and because they had already funded my ex because she cried wolf that she was a victim of domestic violence. We were both on welfare at the time.

Basically, because there was prejudice, and because I didn't know about this site, I got shafted, and as a result, our child suffered emotionally and continues to suffer emotionally. And I've had to return to court to fix it up. I had a very unimpressive lawyers, am here now, got a new lawyer who doesn't have her head up her ass, and I have learned lots - from him - and even more from this site. I think a lot of the things I learnt on this site with references to Canlii got me to the point of calling that last lawyer on her shit. I get motivation from this site, and it helps me to push my case forward. And indeed, it does move forward and I start learn how full of shit my last lawyer really was as time goes by and as orders get made in my favour.

Being in family court for so long clouds your entire families minds, and the conflict leaks into the community, for an indefinite period of time. When you're speaking to parents on this site, you're speaking to people who have all been through it. Some of us for a few months, some of us for a few years, some of us for decades. We've all seen and experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly. From inhumane exs, to half assed crook lawyers, to scumbag judges. We've experienced it all. We've also been investigated by the police and CAS many, many times.

For me, it has been very helpful to hear perspectives from a wide variety of parents who've experienced this first hand, that you're not alone. Something I have realized is that most lawyers and judges have never experienced divorce themselves. They just go based on knowledge and theories, i.e., "In theory this arrangement should work out really well for these parents", 6 months later the parties are back and the childs emotional state is completely ruined, and the child's tuition is burnt on lawyers, and the family is likely to never be happy again.

Based on the feed back, and based on what I have learned on this site 50-50 is the least I would agree to, and I plan on setting sole custody with supervised access to the other parent as my goal. I know that unless I set that as a goal, that I will likely never ever come close to it - especially if I have to compromise on my position.

Last edited by trinton; 04-13-2017 at 04:05 PM.
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Old 04-26-2017, 07:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I saw first-hand, on this forum, excellent examples of liars who spin their stories and who eventually believe their own BS. It's comical... it's sad.
This made me lol. And bears repeating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soiled View Post
I'm curious, did anyone change their overall direction in regards to their divorce or custody goals, based primarily on arguments presented to you here? Did a 'random internet stranger' change your mind? I'm referring to major changes, IE custody goal changed from sole to joint
To answer the OP question, No. My overall direction was not changed (and still to this date, remains unchanged), by random internet stranger rants. There were, however, several posters from the past, that proffered some valuable advice in dealing with ex's as mutual parents post-separation, that I took to heart. Those posts changed the manner in how I dealt with my ex. i.e. less communication, moving forward.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soiled View Post
If it did happen, how was their argument against you presented? What about it actually made you listen and decide to pay attention to it, despite possibly not wanting to?
Of more particular interest, is why would a poster continue to doggedly post their failing argument to another poster, when quite clearly there is never going to be mutual agreement? I suppose if the only communication tool you believe you have to argue with is a hammer, everything/everyone else looks like a nail?
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Old 04-27-2017, 10:37 PM
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Since finding this site it has not changed my direction.

Had I found this site 5 years before my separation I probably would have changed direction and I would be much better off right now financially (my ex took half the house that I put most of my $ into).

Overall I hold the advice given on this site to high regard. I trust the advice here more than most lawyers I have talked too!

Thank you to everyone that contributes to this forum
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