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Old 02-17-2015, 10:40 AM
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Default Venting...When will enough be enough?

Here goes nothing...

Yesterday was family day. S5 was in father's care last week and because our exchange is usually done Mondays through the school am & pm buses, this could not be done and I needed to pick up S5 at his father's home because of the holiday.

Ex sent me a txt asking that I call before picking up S5 so that he can bring him down to me. Ex lives in an apartment type house, upper level, with an outside staircase. My spouse and I were gone all day skating on the canal and I forgot my mobile at home. We had decided to go straight from activity to picking up S5, so I never saw the said txt message from ex.

Oh the door I wished I had never opened!!

When I got to the apartment, I rang the doorbell, I heard dogs barking through the side window that I could clearly see. Now, putting you in context, my ex has two pitbulls who have been known to be quite aggressive (have attacked and killed cats and attacked neighbors) and it was determined through court that the dogs should never be around our S5 at time of separation agreement proceedings, ex was shamed by judge, told that he should man up and get rid of the dogs.

While S5 was getting dressed and his father was getting his things together, the dogs would not stop barking. I asked plainly if his dogs were here to which he acknowledged they were with a simple "yeah" looking towards the floor.

I had never been to his home, this was an eye opener. The apartment was dirty and had the distinct smell of weed. Ex has been a smoker for years, to which was the basis of many of our relationship problems and arguments. He is very proactive in the whole weed consumption/will solve worldly problems bit... Even goes so far as to tell his clients that he needs to be high in order to perform his job, he's a tattoo shop owner/artist. We were ordered by the courts to attend post separation counseling and this issue was brought to the table, I discussed that I did not want our child to grow up in this type of addiction/lifestyle and he plainly did not care, told me in front of the therapist that he smokes when it pleases him. Throughout the four years that we've been separated, he's been visited by child services and has told them that he only smokes when our son is sleeping and thus even with our agreement stating that he will not consume/be under the influence of drugs while our son is in his care.

Still in shock, I packed up S5 and left to head to my parent's for dinner. At my parent's place, S5 started undressing from winter gear and he had multiple temporary tattoos on him. S5 then proudly showed us his collection, 29 tattoos to be correct. His arms, stomach, chest, back and neck are covered in skulls, guns, ninja turtles, flowers, dragons...This had happened previously and was discussed in post separation therapy and the therapist had come down on him and explained what "projection" was and how it could harm S5. It is also to be said that as of January, changes in our agreement were restricting ex to the exposure of S5 to ex's tattoo shop, no more than 30min/per day. I understand that this is ex's way of life but added the clause because people in our community had stated that our S5 was kept hours at a time in the shop, playing video games, running around, while ex tattoed clients.

Now last night, after S5 was sleeping, I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried for many hours. Thinking about what my son is being taught, what he observes while at his father's. That pain is definitely real, my protective nature kicking in full force. I ask myself and you these questions, when will enough be enough? Would the courts see four years of this crap, of ex not following court orders/agreements over and over and over again? Will these things even prove that he doesn't have S5 best interests, safety, well-being in mind...Needless to say, I will be contacting a lawyer shortly to seek advice.

RANT OVER! Thanks for any input, personal experiences and advice.
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Old 02-17-2015, 10:46 AM
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Would they do a urine sample on your son to see if any drugs are present in his system from second hand smoke? That might be a first step to proving he is breaching the agreement regarding drugs.

Im not an expert in any of this though. Aside from that comment I will say that Im sorry youre going through this
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:15 AM
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I'm not certain that they would do a urine sample test, he is quite young to be involved in such problematic situations...
We will see what my lawyer thinks is the next best step.
Thank you for your compassion and reply!
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:16 AM
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Would it be possible to check with police about whether they've had complaints about the tattoo shop? If they have, and if ex is letting Kid spend a lot of time there, you might have some evidence which could go towards a case for Kid to reside primarily with you.

Four years is a long time. If ex can't be a grownup and get rid of the dogs, drugs and lowlife associations, it sounds like he'd be better off as a visiting parent than as one who has his child residing with him.

With the temporary tattoos, I think that's a hard one because Kid may be happy and excited about them. His dad thinks they're cool, and he wants to do what his dad thinks is cool. Just be as positive an influence as you can on Kid during the time he's with you, and try not to let your (justified) disapproval of his father's lifestyle show.
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Old 02-17-2015, 01:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpless View Post
I'm not certain that they would do a urine sample test, he is quite young to be involved in such problematic situations...
We will see what my lawyer thinks is the next best step.
Thank you for your compassion and reply!
It's easy, the kid would pee in a cup the same way he would for his regular checkups at the doctors.

On the tattoos, my kids didn't grow up in a tattoo shop and regularly had a blast covering themselves in stick on tattoos, especially in the summers when the dollar store carried the giant full back sized ones. It's just something they do whether they have parents who are tattooed or not, or work in a tattoo parlor or not. If your kid came home with a real tattoo or the promise of one from dad, then you should be concerned.

If you are so concerned about the living situation then you have an obligation to call Children's Aid.
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Old 02-17-2015, 01:31 PM
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the temp tattoo thing I would let go. Heck I use to have them and would I tattoo myself now for real...nope, not on your life. Other people I know their parents have no tattoos but they have multiple ones.

If the dogs are as dangerous are you make them out to be then why hasn't the humane society or some other animal agency been involved and had them taken away? If there have been multiple attacks on people as you stated then there should be an investigation done.

As to the place being dirty..as far as we know you may be a neat freak.

The weed, hmm that's a tough one, not. He should be able to control his consumption when the child is around. I take it you don't drink or do weed when you have your son?



Has you son been exhibiting any behaviours before this?
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
the temp tattoo thing I would let go. Heck I use to have them and would I tattoo myself now for real...nope, not on your life. Other people I know their parents have no tattoos but they have multiple ones.

If the dogs are as dangerous are you make them out to be then why hasn't the humane society or some other animal agency been involved and had them taken away? If there have been multiple attacks on people as you stated then there should be an investigation done.

As to the place being dirty..as far as we know you may be a neat freak.

The weed, hmm that's a tough one, not. He should be able to control his consumption when the child is around. I take it you don't drink or do weed when you have your son?



Has you son been exhibiting any behaviours before this?
Exhibiting behaviors? Such as.........tattooing himself? Growling like a rabid dog or rolling a splif in front of me....noooooo none of that so far.

I'm tattooed from head to toe, I'm also a youth mental health crisis counselor. I cover my tattoos so that kids don't get the idea that they can get tattooed in their kitchen because it's no big deal, everyone has them...
I do not project or promote the body art and body modification lifestyle onto children or my S5 because he's FIVE!!! A few temp tattoos don't hurt! But 29 WTH? Moderation maybe?

As for the dogs, the youngest one is illegal, he's lied to by law about it and has her registered under unknown breed yet was the product of the eldest pitbull and ex's father's Rottie. The farmer neighbor who was attacked by the eldest female never reported it because he had time to pick up a 2x4 and swing. Ex's mother is actually the one who told me that they had to get rid of the Rottie because along with the eldest female, they had managed to catch and tear a couple of cats apart from the said farmer's property....NO, nobody reports barn cats getting killed.

I'm a recovered drug addict, I have been sober for over 10 years, I don't use or allow any types of drug consumption around myself or my child because well, monkey do, monkey see (I won't compromise my sobriety.) I do however enjoy a small glass of red wine, at the cottage, while eating a nice filet mignon, I don't need it to work, perform at my job, bring it in my car, consume it in my truck....Just not a good lifestyle to be had, and my glass of wine doesn't involve any criminal activity from growing, buying,selling....

Sorry I may sound defensive, but my fear is that adding another 4-5 years to the type of lifestyle ex is projecting onto our son and I might as well start rolling the joints for S5 in advance and start a tattoo fund. Problem is I see the direct impact parents have on their child within my line of work, and I have the ability to totally disconnect from that but what I won't disconnect from is a court order that has been put in place, with special clauses, in order to protect a child from the exact things that are mentioned above.

Thanks for your comment, and again, very sorry for the rant.
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:23 PM
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As for the Children's Aid involvement, there have been numerous calls to such organizations (not by me or my family, I'm guessing from the community), in regards to S5's well being at his father's. Files have always been closed (thank heavens) because ex does not abuse S5 in any way and S5 primary needs, food,clothing,shelter are met (and there was never a doubt about that).
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
It's easy, the kid would pee in a cup the same way he would for his regular checkups at the doctors.
As far as I know, second hand (inhaling marijuana when someone else is smoking it) or incidental contact (handling/packaging cocaine, but not using it) with drugs does NOT show up in a drug test. Testing labs set the thresholds high enough so that they only capture actual use as a positive result.

But definitely talk to your family doctor about if the child should be tested. Even a small amount, below the adult testing threshold, may be harmful to a small child. The doctor may be able to obtain the actual numbers instead of just being told if the test was negative or positive.

If the home reeks enough that you can smell it by just standing at the front door to pick up the child, the child's father is definitely not limiting his use to when he does not have the child around.

Anyone who claims to need to be high to work is definitely an addict, and guess what, addicts lie about their use.
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:42 PM
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so the dog only attacked one person(one person is one person too many in my opinion). If the one dog is illegal then report it. Don't let them fluff you off. If you keep up the pressure then maybe the dogs will be removed.

I can understand your fears. I grew up with alcoholic parents who both smoked a pack or more a day. I have a glass of wine maybe twice a year and don't smoke. Just because someone is exposed to something doesn't mean that is the path they will go down.

You may have went down that path and now you are a recovering addict are hyper sensitive to that problem. As for the drinking, my friend is a recovering alcoholic and he doesn't have one ounce of alcohol as he said its too easy to go down that slope so he stays completely sober.

If the child hasn't had any issues then maybe its not as bad as you think. If all these things are happening then I hope you are reporting them to the proper authorities. You need to be proactive.
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