Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > General Chat

General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2017, 01:05 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,472
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
To think that a parent that gets the E-O-W order is going to "co-parent" is a pipe dream that you should drop. They are going to either (a) ignore you, (b) annoy you, (c) undermine you so they can "win" back the child or (d) abandon you and in turn the child.

Stats on the above please.
To clarify I am only outlining the "negative" side of EOW parent. The positive side is a parent who improves the situation in a positive way to increase access and obtain custody. This is sort of covered in (c) but, they are doing it in the court-positive way to do it.

e.g. Going to parenting courses, joining the PTA, volunteering at everything the children participate in, arranging oodles of play dates, building a parental network, and generally being "super parent" even if they are not the "sole custody" and "majority access parent".

As genuine as they are being... It still falls into (c). Every EOW parent is either reducing access out of defeat or trying to increase it - positively or negatively it is still an attempt to increase access.
Reply With Quote
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2017, 01:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 55
SteelCityDad is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
e.g. Going to parenting courses, joining the PTA, volunteering at everything the children participate in, arranging oodles of play dates, building a parental network, and generally being "super parent" even if they are not the "sole custody" and "majority access parent".

It feels great to be a "super parent" too!
Reply With Quote
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2017, 10:53 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Some where, out there.
Posts: 699
involveddad75 will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpless View Post
What a sad stat! I briefly skimmed through the articles and information but I still wonder why this happens, is it because the fathers are disinterested, the children won't visit, mothers not following through...It seems to go down for every category over time...It is also a 20 yr old study, things may have changed.
No they haven't, When a parent gets the impression that they are nothing but a wallet then they lose interest.

Take a look at a car your friend gets, it's your friends not yours, you don't have any say in it, you don't have any interest in it.

I believe that the father was rail roaded by the private assessor. I would be extremely interested in who the social worker and private assessor was? Are you willing to give their names. So that others can avoid them?

I would suggest you do as tayken notes, but doesn't suggest.
How about doing a trial run for 2 months where you share the child 50/50 and see how things change.

Your access schedule is your typical access schedule of what I call a biased schedule. Friday at 4pm to mon at 9am, every other week. and mondays from 4pm to tuesday at 9am?
Question does the father have to make lunch for the child on the monday or do you drop it off at the school???? If the child is sick all weekend on his weekend does he drop the child off to you on monday morning at 9am or does he keep them home during the day? If the answer is he keeps them or wants to keep them, then he is a good parent, if you insist in him bringing the child back to you then you are part of the problem. A child needs to understand that both parents are able to look after them when they are sick, that they are capable of comforting him. If they don't as they grow older their friends become more important and access parents become inconveniences to their personal lives.
The fact that you are given custody or access from 9am monday to 4pm monday completely points to a fact that even though you don't see him you have control of him when he is in school and I believe it is wrong.
And it based solely on giving zero say to the access parent.

You want him to be more involved?
Do you really want him to be more involved? then give it to him.

I finish this with some homework for you.
Look up Edward Kruk (professor)
http://www.fira.ca/cms/documents/181/April7_Kruk.pdf
Read it from back to front, and understand it.

Then read his other papers.

Now I have vented.

Last edited by involveddad75; 03-10-2017 at 10:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2017, 09:06 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,842
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

A good parent pays child support in a timely manner. No exceptions IMO.
Reply With Quote
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2017, 11:34 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Bc
Posts: 225
undersc0re is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpless View Post
What a sad stat! I briefly skimmed through the articles and information but I still wonder why this happens, is it because the fathers are disinterested, the children won't visit, mothers not following through...It seems to go down for every category over time...It is also a 20 yr old study, things may have changed.
There are a few guys at work that were seperated, the kid or kids were moved away in one instance and the other two the kids were brainwashed that the father was bad and did everything they could to delay or inhibit visits, but went after all the money they could possibly get. All 3 of those instances right at the time the children were out of highschool they all went to live with their dad, I am thinking that when mom can not afford them anymore, or they start figuring out dad is not so bad after all the kids steer towards dads house. I think young children automatically side with mom, and dads have to keep working as they are usually the household money maker. I know these circumstances are not common, but it seems kids with seperated/divorced parents quite often renew or start a relationship with their fathers once they get a little older. I even see it with my step daughter who had her mother and grandmother alienate her from her father, my step daughter was sure the guy was everything they said he was, now she is in contact with her father as well as others on that side of the family, unfortunately she was moved away from him....the quick silent move where she was already settled into a new school and friends and mom had a job etc...sometimes fathers need a little time and patience, or put up a fight if the circumstances allow them too.
Reply With Quote
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2017, 09:07 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 84
Helpless is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by involveddad75 View Post
No they haven't, When a parent gets the impression that they are nothing but a wallet then they lose interest.

Take a look at a car your friend gets, it's your friends not yours, you don't have any say in it, you don't have any interest in it.

I believe that the father was rail roaded by the private assessor. I would be extremely interested in who the social worker and private assessor was? Are you willing to give their names. So that others can avoid them?

The private assessor was actually great help considering all the issues. She worked with us for over two months. I found that her recommendations were on point considering S7's emotional and academic struggles.

I would suggest you do as tayken notes, but doesn't suggest.
How about doing a trial run for 2 months where you share the child 50/50 and see how things change.

The access changed six months ago, prior to this we were at 50/50 or Monday to Monday for a year. What ended up happening is S7's was diagnosed with ADHD and a possible learning disability, exhibiting behaviors in both home and school. These behaviors were at times very aggressive. Ex chose not to be implicated in any of the school meetings, plans, follow ups. He maintained that S7's struggles were non existent (even though the T.A. had all scratch marks to prove it, other kids were also asked to leave the class room and created multiple social impacts for S7.) We were both on the same page when it came to medication, we didn`t want S7 on it but the aggression worsen to a point where we were getting constant calls from the school and S7 . I offered multiple avenues, diet changes, natural supplements, therapy and tutoring,home schooling, private schooling, Ex snuffed it all. I implemented all of these, other than home or private schooling, in our home. But S7`s issues progressed. I chose (after 6 months of ongoing struggles) to get a script. Ex was angry but it noticeably reduced all of the above mentioned issues.


Your access schedule is your typical access schedule of what I call a biased schedule. Friday at 4pm to mon at 9am, every other week. and mondays from 4pm to tuesday at 9am?
Question does the father have to make lunch for the child on the monday or do you drop it off at the school????

Yes, he still makes his lunches.

If the child is sick all weekend on his weekend does he drop the child off to you on monday morning at 9am or does he keep them home during the day? If the answer is he keeps them or wants to keep them, then he is a good parent, if you insist in him bringing the child back to you then you are part of the problem.

This hasn`t happened yet but on PD days, he`s responsible for him until Tuesdays 9PM. I`ve had a clause added in our CO that states that should ex address his emotional reactivity, stress levels, drug use and negativity towards me, then we can move forward with a Friday to Friday access. There is also a clause for additional access during summer months.

A child needs to understand that both parents are able to look after them when they are sick, that they are capable of comforting him. If they don't as they grow older their friends become more important and access parents become inconveniences to their personal lives.
The fact that you are given custody or access from 9am monday to 4pm monday completely points to a fact that even though you don't see him you have control of him when he is in school and I believe it is wrong.
And it based solely on giving zero say to the access parent.

The conflict between him and I is not new, we`ve been separated for 6 years. Ex`s had multiple years to straighten himself out. There has also been times where police have escorted me to my car, work place (last time being at Court house) as ex becomes quite aggressive and distraught. As of now, it`s incessant SMS messages, at times criticizing,belittling me or my parenting. No you understand why he`s not in a position to make decisions or S7`s well being.


You want him to be more involved?
Do you really want him to be more involved? then give it to him.

He`s had multiple opportunities, and I won`t continue pushing on or giving him the benefit of doubt that he will choose that. Although his SMS from yesterday stated that he would be calling my cell to wish S7 goodnight, every night, that I better answer or else. Funny because as per CO, we split our March Break and exchange on Wednesday (he`s unaware of this as last night he proposed to keep S7 until Tuesday).

I finish this with some homework for you.
Look up Edward Kruk (professor)
http://www.fira.ca/cms/documents/181/April7_Kruk.pdf
Read it from back to front, and understand it.

I will certainly read it! Thank you for the resources, I really appreciate it and your take on this.

Then read his other papers.

Now I have vented.
Great vent
Reply With Quote
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2017, 09:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 84
Helpless is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
To solve the communications platform, what you do is you copy and paste the exact text messages (that are actually relevant and deserve a reply) into OFW and respond via the platform. You don't respond via SMS. That way you are complying with the court order (or agreement) and are responding to the other parent. If they don't log in and read the messages - they are the ones at fault.


Tayken

The SMS communications continued up until last night, even after I copy pasted the same 'This is not an emergency, I have replied on OFW'.

He maintains that he will not use OFW. Is this grounds for restraining order or peace bond? I'm doing the best I can but when I reply with the above message, he gets angrier and belittling, this has been going on since I`ve posted my initial message.
Reply With Quote
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2017, 09:21 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 84
Helpless is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
A good parent pays child support in a timely manner. No exceptions IMO.
Agreed, but there are no repercussions when they don`t or it takes an eternity for FRO to engage and by then, parents know that if they make a mediocre payment, they`re safe for another few months. Arrgghhh!
Reply With Quote
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2017, 01:58 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,842
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

One reason it takes so long is that there are MANY deadbeats for these enforcement agencies to deal with.
Reply With Quote
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2017, 02:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 84
Helpless is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
One reason it takes so long is that there are MANY deadbeats for these enforcement agencies to deal with.
Another sad reality...I'm happy I have steady income and can support myself and my family. But it blows my mind that I have to enforce a payment of arrears that's been outstanding since 2013-14... I have to apply pressure on a worker that has little to no resources and who works for a ministry that won't hire additional workers for case management. There are so many cases like mine, as per the Ombudsman Office... Puke!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just venting... striving for equal time/treatment dad2bandm Divorce Support 14 11-23-2015 05:14 PM
Venting...When will enough be enough? Helpless General Chat 61 02-22-2015 10:15 AM
Angry and venting - but advice always welcome!! ONTMOMMA Parenting Issues 64 11-27-2012 05:44 PM
venting HappyMomma Financial Issues 17 10-25-2011 08:21 PM
hi i am new - venting newatthis General Chat 8 08-15-2008 07:06 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:11 AM.