Urgently Need Advice

[EasyObserver]

Hello...for starters...I am a 43 year old male. I am in an abusive relationship..both physically, verbally and mentally. A couple of weeks ago my g/f and I got into a very heated arguement (okay...well she argued..I listened). After a bit it came to blows...her hitting me..not me hitting her (learned many years ago after witnessing my father beat my mother that I'd never do the same), I was about to walk out the door and to the police when she told me that if I did, when I returned, she would be more injured than I was. Meaning, she would injure herself to make it look like I did it. Needless to say, I didn't go to the police, however I did go to our nurse at work for an ice pack for my eye, so it is loosely documented there. She is a stay at home mom, no the kid is not mine, thank God. I feel I have no way out...and believe me...I want out. She has told me that she would never kill me in my sleep...she would want me awake so she could see my eyes. She's told me she would make an antifreeze cocktail for my dog and dance and jig and toast him as he lay and convulsed. Then in the next breath (well...actually in a couple days) she would tell me that she wants a baby. She has told me that if I left she would make my life a living hell and make sure I have nothing left to live for. For example..she said that she would go to WSIB and my work and tell them that I have been faking my injury and she'd be their witness. Then ask me what I want to do?? There are many more instances..too numerous to type here but that was the jist of our last 'discussion'. I just don't understand how someone would want to stay with someone else when you'd have to basically blackmail them to stay? How does a person justify that to themselves? We have been together about 2 1/2 years. I know there are places women can get help...are there places for men too??

[EasyObserver]

Forgot to mention that she is not a Canadian citizen...she is American.

[logicalvelocity]

Easy Observer,

If your spouse is assaulting you then take action and call the police.

Regardless, if your male and she is female it is still assault. The police will investigate and if there is sufficient evidence of same, they will lay charges. This may be your chance and opportunity to end this abusive relationship.

[mother2boys]

Hi There,

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your situation. I can only offer my sympathy, as I was involved in the same type of abusive relationship...only my ex-husband used alcohol as an excuse for his behavior.

All I can say to you is that if you do report abuse to the police...they take these charges VERY seriously. If you file report of domestic abuse a warrant will automatically be issued for your spouse, if they feel there is evidence of abuse. I am speaking from a female perspective, but I remember when I had to file a report (this was the final end to the marriage), and the officers made sure I understood that because there was physical evidence of abuse (and then I had to relate the entire history of the mental and emotional abuse I had endured over the course of the 5 year marriage). They made it very clear that ALL cases of reported abuse are taken seriously and will be dealt with in such a manner. I don't know what area you are living in, but those are the conditions integral to Ontario law.

I hope this helps some. I know that it can't erase the damage that has been done by your partner, but I hope at least it offers you an avenue leading to an end of an abusive relationship.

Good luck...I hope your life changes for the better.

mother2boys

[hubby]

EasyObserver,

Extremly sorry to hear about the circumstances you find your life in.

I commend you, having to endure physical, verbal and mental and while exhibiting GREAT restraint. You my friend, are a person of GREAT strenght.

Your g/f is definately using both control and fear to try and keep you in check. Remember one thing, you were given a wonderful gift at birth ... that gift is the power to make choices. Being a g/f only, you have the power to stay or leave.

Someone once told me, when you walk into a room of evil, stop, slowy walk backwards, turn around and never look back. An abusive relationship is evil ... the choice is now your's as to what to do.

Mother2boys made that decsion to leave long ago ... and she finds herself in a better place today. She had a choice, and she chose happiness.

Sending you Blessings to make the right choice.

Hubby

[Hanging On]

I am very sorry you are going through such horrific abuse -- since you don't have any kids together and you are not married, can't you just move to somewhere she can't find you? Or is it more complicated because you are considered common-law? Do you own property together? Do you support her financially?

[EasyObserver]

hi...I was wondering if you'd know what would be considered 'sufficient evidence'? The physical evidence is gone now..all that I would have to rely on would be a loosely documented report at work and a copy of a chat log where she says, among other stuff "[14:27:59] <peachez> I totally lost it ammy I beat the shit out of him" (direct copy from log). Her nickname would be peachez and she was talking to a mutual online friend who calls herself ammy.

[EasyObserver]

Originally Posted by Hanging On

I am very sorry you are going through such horrific abuse -- since you don't have any kids together and you are not married, can't you just move to somewhere she can't find you? Or is it more complicated because you are considered common-law? Do you own property together? Do you support her financially?

It is more complicated than just moving out...everything I own is here..and she is here 24/7. We won't be considered common-law for about another 6 months and the only property we would have together would be household goods. Financially....yes...I support both her and her kid (who, by the way is 12 and has had no schooling for almost 2 years). She is an American citizen supposedly waiting for her landed immigrant status. But I'm not so sure about that now....she lies so much it's hard to tell what's true and what isn't.

[EasyObserver]

I will reply to hubby and mother2boys tomorrow night...she's waking up so I have to get off to avoid any conflicts if she happens to see what I'm doing. But thank you very much for your replies and well wishes.