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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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Old 11-02-2014, 12:59 PM
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Default The Up and Downs

I swear I have slipped into bipolar disease. Please read some sarcasm with that statement. I do not know if anyone else went through the ups and downs like I am. Presently I am proud to say I feel solidly in control of my destiny - at least as much as I can be. Other days it is a down and the mountain looks too high too climb.

I am attempting to steer the separation towards a solution that is good for me and at least acceptable for my ex. I suppose I may be being a bit selfish since I find myself more concerned lately with my future than hers at times. Is that normal? We are disconnecting so is it not natural to be concerned with my happiness and financial stability rather than hers?

It does not feel natural to be concerned on a secular basis after so many years. I do feel very successful on having mended some family issues that were eating at me. They were entirely my fault and I was simply a idiot not to recognize it. My heart explodes with joy to once again see my grandchildren and enjoy there laughter and giggles.

I hope my present "up"period continues for a lengthy period but I am mentally prepared to accept the next down period. The last week I have accomplished many things that I have set out to do. One of the most important things in my eyes was taken from a veteran on this board who basically said "get down to business and treat it like a business" I was finally able to at times put my emotions aside and get business like and start the business of separation with the necessary files notes and documentation.

Well, this was a long post and rant beneficial to nobody but me. As I have said before please accept the fact that writing is a form of relaxation and venting for me and I greedily use this forum to do it.
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Old 11-02-2014, 01:19 PM
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You might benefit from doing some reading about the emotional process of divorcing, to help you understand what you're feeling. It's very similar to the grieving process with the death of a loved one.
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Old 11-03-2014, 11:26 AM
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Your feelings of ups and downs is very normal. I oscillated between despair, calmness and rage regularly. I was a basket case to talk to, I'm sure.

The worst part sometimes is how long it can take to get through the process. Even when the process finally ends, which often takes several years, it can take a long time to come to grips with the emotions and changes in your life.
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:56 PM
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My partner (finally) saw a therapist this summer to discuss some of the issues he had with respect to his divorce, the changed relationship with his kids, and dealing with the stress of ongoing issues with his ex. He found it helpful and led to some behavioural changes. Might be worth speaking to someone who specializes in these issues. Just to help with ongoing strategies for coping. And it might keep you calm while dealing with your ex.
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Old 11-03-2014, 01:05 PM
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Ups and downs are normal, and it doesn't mean you have long term issues. We all handle things differently. I did work with a counsellor for a while, also had a couple of meetings with a priest I used to know well.

It is right to be focussed on your future, you cannot control, nor should you control your ex's future. That doesn't mean you don't care but you have to focus on you.

My suggestion - take time for you. Exercise your body and your mind. Spend time with friends. Don't spend time rehashing or dwelling, spend time figuring out what you want to do, what you want to be.
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Old 11-11-2014, 11:40 PM
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Glad to hear the ups and downs are normal and I am finally feeling kinda normal after a long down. Strange thing is I have been facing reality and receiving nothing but bad news on the seperation front. Seems like that should be a down period. Go figger.

I am just thinking tonight my situation from a financial standpoint is kind of like the perfect storm. Ex that basically did not work for 30 years. Enjoyed high standard of living. Multiple property assets including some time sensitive to dispose of ones. Highly suspicious ex who is seemingly getting bad advice from either a lawyer or friend or whoever creating a atmosphere of mediation without lawyers impossible.

I could go on but it is kind of like the movie. A whole bunch of factors are coming together that I try to control but reality is I really cannot. I am using that serenity prayer a lot. Life needs to be a little hard. Life should not be real easy. Life needs to have challenges and hills. Honestly though - this is freaking ridiculous!

Last edited by Craigerst; 11-11-2014 at 11:44 PM.
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Old 11-17-2014, 07:08 AM
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My fingers need to vent. I am at my happy place, the cottage, but unhappily seem to have a cold coming on. Presently in a wait period. Financial disclosure wrapped up with a pretty ribbon and sent off about a week ago. They are supposed to respond in 5 days. I am lucky to still be able to escape to here, the land of peace and tranquility. It seemed beautiful until yesterday afternoon when ex started to once again threaten with police yada yada yada unless the MM home was open for her to inspect some carpet we had done in preparation for sale. I calmly text I was away. She blasted me with a text wondering how I could afford it. It was obvious she had not yet read or her lawyer had not yet contacted her with the pretty ribbon package.

I suppose I will see how she managed to blow away 50k in 8 weeks or so since she claims she is broke. I hope her disclosure is simply the truth like mine. I would love to stop carrying all the expense of two places. Never really paid much attention to how much everything cost until I had to do all the fancy expense things and budget thing etc etc for financial disclosure. Not used to having to watch money. Silly me. Things really add up when you put it in writing. Just the run of the mill expenses of 2 properties are expensive. I often wish I was in my wife's world of escape and worry about nothing. Spend tons of time with grandchildren and talk on the phone and review interior decorating books. Shut myself away in a little apartment and sit back and wait until the truck full of money arrives. Leave everything for my ex partner to solve. Yes, that is a tad brutal but it is where I am at.

On a humourous note I discovered I have enough shirts to last the rest of my life. My ex hated ironing so much she just let them pile up to the point where she must of just purchased more! I should open a small store with all the extra items left behind. 27 pump soaps lol. That was for a small 2 bathroom house. Every flavour you can imagine complete with fancy sleeve.

The happy place is even worse. We have enough toilet bowl cleaner for 5 years. We have bath towels for a house of 60 not 2. No pump soap up here beleive it or not......I have discovered another way to relax is to clean. This place here is spotless. In fact I am worried she will come up some time and dirty it. It is a feeling of accomplishment when everything smells clean and looks clean. Not just tidy but clean. It only takes an hour or 2 but it accomplishes something and I lose myself in Molly maiding.

Not sure what I am doing about the lock here. Yes I know legally it is 1/2 hers but morally she should step up and pay 1/2 which she is not. I expect I will change the combination once again. At least that way she is not emptying the place of things without having to get a locksmith and that is not a easy task way up in the bush. I would probably get wind of it from a neighbour and could possibly convince her to stop and wait until we are both here. This so must sound confrontational.

That is a problem we do not have right now. Perhaps the disclosure will hold her back a bit and sanity will prevail. Both for me and her. God knows that at some point sanity needs to come back on both our parts. Big blows from my family to her probably greatly rocked the sanity boat as of recently. I am proud to say I had nothing to do with those blows. I guess my ex thought her life would be the same with my side of the family and my side of the family thinks not. Seperation does nothing but hurt. Thankfully I had nothing to do with some harsh reality dealt to her. She of course thinks not but I did nothing to influence my family. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I actually feel the same way. She made her bed now she must sleep in it. Wow. That is harsh but remember I am venting.


Done venting. I feel better. Any advice always appreciated.

Last edited by Craigerst; 11-17-2014 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:15 PM
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You're right about the 50 pump soaps. It's 5 years after separation and I am still carting around boxes full of cleaning supplies she bought when we were together. I like it, it's like free money I don't have to spend on toilet and cream cleanser!
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Old 11-17-2014, 03:14 PM
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Lmao. Yep. There was a lot of that going on that I did not realize and perhaps that will be my mini victory. I get a bunch of crap I did not need. I got candles enough to supply the Vatican for the next ten years. I basically bought a entire set of Christmas decorations every year. This goes for every festive event. I will give her this - they were all packed away neatly. Why we needed new ones every year is beyond me. It is kind of like Christmas as I dig deeper into the nooks and find stuff. Often the items bring back cherished memories but often they remind me of a uncontrollable spendaholic.

Even food items are hilarious. Cases of full size family pak granola bars. Cases of microwave popcorn. We have cases of refills for items that we do not even have the original thing it was to refill! I appreciate that perhaps some of this got at a special price or something but it is ridiculous what I have found. I suppose it is my fault for simply not paying attention but I never really expected the stupidity I found. In the big picture these things really mean SFA but it is eye opening as to the 0 control there was when it came to spending.
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Old 11-18-2014, 01:16 AM
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Some people gamble some people shop some people eat some people drink - all in excess.

Coping strategies for an unhappy marriage perhaps?

I was a golfaholic the last 5 years of my marriage.

What were you doing while your ex was shopping?
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