Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > General Chat

General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 04:13 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 228
first timer is on a distinguished road
Default Therapy 7 Years Later

I separated in 2007 and divorced in 2009. I was recently called by a therapist who asked me if I would be willing to participate in therapy for my ex who is apparently still struggling 7 years later with "feelings" related to our divorce. I was taken aback to say the least. Is this the new normal - we never went to therapy during our marriage but 7 years after our divorce she wants to go to therapy together?

Last edited by first timer; 04-07-2014 at 04:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 04:25 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,702
DowntroddenDad will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by first timer View Post
I separated in 2007 and divorced in 2009. I was recently called by a therapist who asked me if I would be willing to participate in therapy for my ex who is apparently still struggling 7 years later with "feelings" related to our divorce. I was taken aback to say the least. Is this the new normal - we never went to therapy during our marriage but 7 years after our divorce she wants to go to therapy together?
Well there is a first time for everything.

But I would be taken aback as well. I've never heard of such a thing.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 04:40 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,845
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

I'd be telling her to buy a dog or take up knitting....


I would report the therapist to his/her professional association.

You have a right to privacy and to be unfettered by your former spouse's mental health issues.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 05:30 PM
blinkandimgone's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lucknow
Posts: 5,175
blinkandimgone has a spectacular aura aboutblinkandimgone has a spectacular aura aboutblinkandimgone has a spectacular aura about
Default

meh, she clearly has some issues with closure. IF you do feel a need to participate, I would suggest meeting with the therapist alone just once and that's it. totally not your issue and not your problem to fix.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 08:06 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,213
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Yeah, I'm with the bunch that says you don't owe her any of your time. She can 'heal' on her own. Or not. I don't recall that your separation/divorce was amicable or cooperative, so therapy together is unlikely to be productive. Call me cynical, but I'd be worried it was an opportunity for her to try to convince you to renegotiate something in her favour...
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2014, 08:16 PM
mcdreamy's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,409
mcdreamy is on a distinguished road
Default

What a strange request.

Are you in regular communication or contact with her? I haven't seen nor spoken to my ex in well over a year, but our kidlet is much older and we have no reason to communicate.

I think I would politely decline - unless you are still parenting together. Then it could get awkward. Errrgghh, ok I guess I have no assvice! Good luck whatever you decide.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2014, 10:56 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 546
BitHunter is on a distinguished road
Default

Therapists blame our parents for most of our issues, and when they influenced us was much more time ago than 7 years.
Just run a quick cost/benefit analysis. Does this cost you something other than an hour or two time? On the other side you might help a poor soul.
Of course there are people who should just rot in hell, if she is not that then help her.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2014, 07:15 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

Something similar recently happened to my bf. His ex wife of 4 years asked him to elaborate on why he divorced her claiming that she was in a different place now and wanted to understand.

The history is that my bf is a very, very analytical type. So he read books, made notes...which he gave to her...(actually has made a decision graph when he was making the decision to give up)...they went to 3 sessions of counselling (two of which she walked out of)...long conversations and emails before, during and after separation, etc.

Personally, I think she's never going to get over it. She'll talk about divorce to whomever will listen... painting herself as the victim of a husband who didn't have enough patience and didn't try hard enough.

I also think she continues to want to reconcile with him because she's realized that gave up an incredible guy.

While these may not be reasons for your ex...for a lot of people, divorce is a serious demarkation line between and old life and a new life for some people. And sometimes, they believe that the old life was better and have trouble moving forward.

I'm not a fan of therapy...so if it was me, I'd decline. I think dredging this stuff up is a waste of time and solves nothing. But I guess it depends on why its being discussed. If she really didn't understand the root cause and is trying to use it to make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes....maybe its worth doing.

I think that its very rare that someone has some epiphany after divorce where they suddenly get it. Part of the divorce process is recognizing that you're never going to get closure on that argument you had 5 million times during marriage.

Hard to say what you should do but really I'd do what makes sense for you...not her.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 04-08-2014 at 07:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2014, 07:34 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,845
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

"...Part of the divorce process is recognizing that you're never going to get closure on that argument you had 5 million times during marriage....."

I'm pretty sure that I will never 'get over' my marriage of 30 yrs. What is 'closure' anyhow? We hear that word after someone dies all the time.

To compartmentalize 30 yrs of one's life is to say one part existed and the other part is independent of the other part.


All divorce does, in my opinion, is to legally remove the other person of repercussion/fault of future actions from the date of divorce. Divorce severs us physically, financially and morally for anything that happens after the date of separation.

Psychological fallout of divorce is not measurable. Once divorced we are on our own and have to pick up the pieces of our respective lives.

We become survivors: divorcees
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2014, 08:48 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 228
first timer is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks everyone for your comments/insights/advice. I considered the pros and cons of moving forward with this request. We are still raising children together via parallel parenting; co-parenting was taken off the table by their mother back in 2007. The therapist is the same person our child has been seeing for a year now regarding issues surrounding the relationship he has with his mother. The therapist believes some of his issues are directly related to our parallel parenting, i.e. lack of communication, cooperation and consistency between our homes (50/50 shared parenting) - this is old news.

The therapist believes that if she can work through her trust issues, anger, resentment and jealousy, that we maybe able to improve our communication (my only concern) in order to co-parent our children.

I am not going to get my hopes up but for my childrens' sake I have decided to give it a go. The therapist will work with her and keep me abreast of how things are progressing. This will be a long process so I will not be participating in the therapy for awhile since she has a long list of issues to work on before we get to the improvement of communication.

I told the therapist that our children will probably be grown by the time he gets to my concerns, he didn't disagree. For my part, if the therapy improves her relationship with our kids that is all that matters to me.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Divorce Law are a Joke and Dads are the Punch Line Decent Dad Political Issues 389 11-03-2012 04:45 PM
8 years and ex still dragging things out. Is this reasonable? Delphic Financial Issues 12 08-24-2012 12:09 PM
2 years to agree......15 days to default ONTMOMMA Divorce & Family Law 23 08-23-2012 03:26 PM
Dad has paid for everything for 10 years...now she wants to take him to the cleaners Innocent Bystander Common Law Issues 20 02-02-2011 09:37 PM
22 years separated love to help Divorce & Family Law 7 11-28-2005 06:21 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:17 AM.