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Old 04-15-2014, 10:54 PM
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Default Still some distance to go on gender equality...

A couple of disappointing conversations in the last week.

FYI, separated for 7 years father of 3, 50/50 access from beginning.

Talking to neighbour over the fence about kids. She is divorced with 1 kid shared 50/50. I mentioned that I have 50/50 access of my kids and she says 'you're lucky your ex let you have that'.

Talking to CRA representative on phone about an issue. I mention that I'm separated. She says 'oh so you pay support then'.

Both caught me off guard - I thought I was talking to enlightened people - guess not.
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Old 04-15-2014, 11:32 PM
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People make stupid assumptions but usually it's based on their personal experience or lack thereof.

I've received many inappropriate comments since divorce, some even from people I knew. I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm lucky to get any SS.

Some people think that my main focus in life, as a divorced woman in her 50's, is to find another husband before it's "too late." People offer to introduce me to their fathers (in their 70's).

I'm now able to laugh at these remarks but there was a time, not too long ago, when I quite taken back.
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Old 04-16-2014, 12:32 AM
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Ah my favourite, gender bias...

Had an electrician working in my office, he dropped a bunch of marettes on the floor. I handed them to him and joked that they were all over my house, too. He replied "oh, your husband does electrical too?" um....no, but I do!

It's not just present in divorce scenarios, we still have a long way to go in general!
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Old 04-16-2014, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Ah my favourite, gender bias...

Had an electrician working in my office, he dropped a bunch of marettes on the floor. I handed them to him and joked that they were all over my house, too. He replied "oh, your husband does electrical too?" um....no, but I do!

It's not just present in divorce scenarios, we still have a long way to go in general!
Women have been handling this type of discrimination/gender inequality for quite some time. In fact, I would argue that the bias the OP is discussing in his post developed out of an overwhelming bias that the woman's place is "in the home with the children".

Create an equal opportunity working environment for women, equality in payscales and the biases of who gets the kids and child support will eventually disappear. 50/50 will be the norm when parents are both equal in their working and home lives.
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Old 04-16-2014, 11:27 AM
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My favourite, still comes up, if you're talking to someone about raising kids, or if "single parent" stuff comes up.

"You're lucky, just think what Mom has to go through - you only have them half the time".

What does that even mean?! lol

That line is only ever used, by Moms.

Last edited by dad2bandm; 04-16-2014 at 11:28 AM. Reason: Added...
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Old 04-16-2014, 02:35 PM
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Ex used to always get compliments on what an involved and "helpful" dad he was - meaning that he did the basic work of caring for a child that any parent, male or female, should be prepared to do. He was being an ordinary parent, not some enlightened super-dad. Used to drive me crazy.

I also used to get snarky remarks because I went back to work full time after the end of parental leave, when D8 was one. How could I possibly bear to leave her with strangers (in a high-quality, well-staffed, parent-involved, accredited child care facility)? To my knowledge, no one ever asked ex how he could bear to be away from his young daughter when he was at work all day.

Post-divorce, I get people telling me how generous I am by "letting" ex have D8 half the time, or asking why I didn't just take primary custody and "let" her father see her on the weekends. Also drives me crazy. It's not my generosity, it's her right to have both parents in her life as much as possible.

All three statements are based on the assumption that moms are "supposed" to be primary caregivers and men primary earners, and any situation which deviates from that norm is somehow noteworthy, whether in a good way or a bad way.
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Old 04-16-2014, 03:40 PM
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When people hear I am not with my D8's mom, I get "Well, do you see your kid" or "you do help pay for the child right?".....

Which leads to an internal burning rage, that I manage to focus in, "Yes I parent my child every week" and "I pay child support and contribute to D8's RESP and a number of other activities she's involved in".

Then I get smiles of "oh, what a good dad etc"....for doing what any half decent parent would do....which is parent their kid and support them financially....
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Old 04-16-2014, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
When people hear I am not with my D8's mom, I get "Well, do you see your kid" or "you do help pay for the child right?".....

Which leads to an internal burning rage, that I manage to focus in, "Yes I parent my child every week" and "I pay child support and contribute to D8's RESP and a number of other activities she's involved in".

Then I get smiles of "oh, what a good dad etc"....for doing what any half decent parent would do....which is parent their kid and support them financially....
The only reason people have that attitude is because there are sooo many deadbeat parents in single parent situations. I'm not saying mom or dad, but so often you see one parent doing everything without receiving support of any kind from the other parent. (like me for example)

The bad ones give the good ones a bad name, so that people are surprised when a divorced/separated parent is doing the "half decent parent" thing.

I'm sure no one meant to be offensive to you. (or any of you)
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Old 04-16-2014, 04:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OntarioMomma View Post
The only reason people have that attitude is because there are sooo many deadbeat parents in single parent situations. I'm not saying mom or dad, but so often you see one parent doing everything without receiving support of any kind from the other parent. (like me for example)

The bad ones give the good ones a bad name, so that people are surprised when a divorced/separated parent is doing the "half decent parent" thing.

I'm sure no one meant to be offensive to you. (or any of you)
It's the assumption that's offensive, not the person making the remark. I'm not surprised HammerDad gets ticked off. When the day finally comes that no one congratulates him for acting like a decent parent just because he's male, we will have made progress.

I'm female and I can say that no one has ever asked if I see my daughter or if I support her, when they hear I'm not with her father. I'm the mom, so it's just assumed.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:11 PM
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I detest the term "single parent" as I am of the opinion that a single parent is doing it on their own - financially and otherwise.

Sex refer to biological characteristics that define a man and/or a woman, while gender refers to socially constructed roles, behaviours, etc.

Therefore, one way to change the social values of what defines and constitutes the gender roles is not to prescribe to them.
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