spousal abuse: should I go to the police?

[dmom]

mom of 2 boys, 12 and 9. Emotionally and physically abusive husband (shoves, pushes, yells, calls names, threatens with rape, beating, throwing me out of home,witholds money to run house etc); our taxes have not been filed for last 4 years, he gets angry when I want to file myself; says is filing in few days; will show excess income under my name so he doesn't owe money to govt; apartment we rent is his parents' and my name is not on lease; I am not working right now, looking for work, but a wreck emotionally. What are the implications of going to police and his being charged? he was charged with assault 3 years back when he hit our 4 year old; was conditionally discharged.

[AngieJ]

My first instinct would be to ask you why you are still there! If you are not concerned about your own safety then you need to protect your children, you are all they have.

However, that being said, I can understand that it can be very difficult to remove yourself from an abusive relationship (I personally had an X who had serious anger management issues with violent outbursts, never physically abusive, but the emotional terror was there, and I stayed for 17 years).

If I can offer any recommendation, get yourself and your kids to a woman's shelter. I have never personally been to one, but I have heard from many people that it helped to make them feel safe, get started again on a new life. I would also suggest that you do call the police, do you really want this man abusing your children? Or you in front of them? You staying is showing your children that this is acceptable behaviour (so a son would think that it's okay to treat a woman like that, or a daughter would feel that this is how all men in her life should treat her)

Be strong! You can do it, no matter how scary it seams.

Angie

[dmom]

thanks for replying.
I have left twice and went to a women's shelter. My family (parents, siblings) were not suportive, I wasn't working and children cried till they were blue in the face. Add to that, my not having my notice of assesments, so I can't claim SS or CS at this point. He's unemployed right now, on EI and I'm scared my getting a full time job may put me under further disadvantage.
I want to know specifically about what the implications are, regarding my going to the police and his being charged? Will I be involved in a long court trial? What else?

[May_May]

dmom...I'm not so sure what will happen after he's charged and the court trial. From your description I would be worried about his 'reaction' and your safety, and the safety of your children.
Can't the women's shelter get you set up 'secretly' into a new place to live with your children, and them assist you with restraining orders or anything else you need such as lawyer etc... ?
As Ang says...stay strong...think of your children...and get to a safe place away from the abuse. My ex was incredibly aggressive, assertive, verbally abusive and I've been out for over a year, and the kids always say how calm everything is now. Those who are close to us see a major difference in both of our children...
Take care and please put safety first...

[ddol1]

I strongly suggest you call your local police department 24 hr (not 911) (If you feel your safety is jepordized by using the phone then your option is 911 - 911 from a nieghbours home. you will get solid advice to the law and if warranted and sounds like it is - Several Police cars will be depolyed and this is hard for me having just gone thru this......if your story is staraight and consistent your husband will be removed from the home - put in jail- depending on the risk and record - he may not make bail. If he makes bail - there will be strong conditions. You must ask and be assurred the police will be there for you and will take care of the safety of both you and your children. This is very serious issues that deserve to be processed and he needs to be charged - If you need to be moved to a safe house - so be it - you will get the support you need - Police can have the crisis team dispatched to your location to have you removed to a safe house - no different than all the support I have received in th elast two weeks - I have received help from sources and places and people that I did not even know existed. You must plan on protecting your children and equally yourself from this very serious and ongoing situation.

I have spoken with mom's this week in your situation and they all felt this was the right choice for them - getting out of the situation is the hardest and we can only advize you to make the call for your safety - make the call. The rest WILL fall into place.

local kingston crisis line 24 hrs here 613-544-4229 (they will have yours)(if needed you will have people at your home within minutes to remove you and your children to a safe house)

call 211 - they will have help sources for you to access

calltelehealth 1-866-797-0000 again they will or should be able to get you to services.

[ddol1]

just read part 2 of your post. civilian (you) will not be involved one bit in the charges laid onto your husband. This is totally on the discression of the DA's Office. You could not even choose to drop charges as you are not the one laying them. You are only a winess at that point. Your husband will be charged to the evidence presented. You only need to worrk about your children and yourself - money - this is something that will work itself out. Even if you have not a single penny - you will get the help you need. It will not be easy for sure but IMHO this problem will not go away by itself. You state this yourself in that the last charge was 3 years ago.......and what has gone on since? YOUR WHOLE FAMILY NEEDS HELP - your children are depending on you to get the help they need (we can't say anything different as we do not know your situation) BE safe than Sorry = Please for the sake of your children....

[dmom]

Thank you.

[billiechic]

wishing you luck in this dmom. I hope you find the strength to get yourself and your kids to safety. I did and it was the best choice I ever made.

[dmom]

Thank you.

[Gary M]

Originally Posted by dmom

He's unemployed right now, on EI and I'm scared my getting a full time job may put me under further disadvantage.

Hello,

What disadvantage would going to work put you under?

Cheers!

Gary