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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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Old 07-08-2014, 07:26 PM
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I've been chewing over an interesting situation my partner and I have found ourselves in and am putting it out here as a little off topic discussion for things that happen in the world we live in. Not looking for advice, I'm following my partners' instruction, just wanted to share with the group and see what others might have experienced.

It involves my social media accounts and my partners' kids. Now, I'm heavily into social media, have been since Facebook was launched publicly and it's my only way to stay in contact with a lot of my friends since I moved away from my hometown and many of my friends have moved away themselves. I have pretty good privacy settings on everything and was very good about making sure my privacy was set properly when my partner and I let the kids know about us.

I've also been pretty vocal on here about how I feel about the way my partner is treated by his ex and kids--specifically his oldest who is 19. I know that no matter what I do or say, she's going to have issues with her father and I'm just one of the targets she uses to do so. We've had an issue with her since he introduced the idea of dating someone to them. No matter what we do, there's comments or attitude. I'm somewhat used to it (in the sense that I expect it to be an issue), I just hate how it hurts my partner. (And to give some perspective, when he calls her on it, she moves on to a new target she has an issue with that relates to him.)

A few months ago we discovered she had been "creeping" my facebook. How we discovered it was when she lashed out at him about what she found on my facebook. A video of a concert we attended together that she took issue with. He handled it well, after I explained to him the term "creeping". And we discussed how I will handle my privacy settings. He said that we don't have to hide and if she is going to go looking for issues, that's her problem. He's not going to stop being happy or enjoying "us". He's tried to include the kids, he's tried talking to them about their feelings, he's tried working with them. One is ok, the other finds issues.

I realized about two weeks ago that I'm also being creeped on instagram. Again we discussed it and he told me he doesn't want me to stop being me or sharing info with my friends. I changed my settings to private but he said to change them back. He doesn't want me blocking them. It's not like I post with direct intentions to hurt them or to throw anything in their faces. I just share photos of cool stuff that I'm doing or into.

I struggled with it because I didn't like that she would use my info in her campaign against her dad. I also didn't like that it caused her to stop speaking to him for weeks at a time because she was pissed about something I posted. He explained to me that he has moved on, it's been five years since the separation and three since the divorce. Her choices about their relationship are hers and he can't force her to do something just like he can't force her to talk to him/visit with him. This was after I had explained to him that when I share photos or events or activities we do together, it's because I want to share my happiness with people who love me. We have tried including them both in activities but they don't want to, they like their lives the way they are. I agreed to this because it was what he wanted and we agreed that anything I shared would be tasteful and non-confrontational (not that I would do anything like that anyway) and would be shared with him before posting. And really, it's not like it's crazy stuff...bike rides, day trips, our garden...I'm a pretty boring person...

I still find it to be an interesting situation given social media now. And also how he relates to his kids. He's not on any social media so he doesn't understand what it does or how it works. I've explained it to him as best as I can and he gets it to a point. He also respects that it's kind of like eavesdropping--they never hear anything they like. So if you're going to go looking for trouble, you're going to find it. Especially if it's a case of still having a bone to pick with your parent and not being willing to discuss things surrounding these feelings.

I've also had to accept certain aspects of the feelings too. As in, nothing I say or do is going to be right and I have to live with being a person they don't like. There are days that are harder than others of course, but the good very much outweighs the bad with my partner and I won't let this get to me. Eventually they'll grow out of it and move on with their own activities and interests.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:40 PM
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Meh, just don't ever post anything you wouldn't want seen by any particular person,whether an ex, a boss, kids or others. If you simply live your life and there is no reason for concern, than carry.on and ignore her! You could likely be Mother Theresa in training and she would find something to bitch about!
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Old 07-09-2014, 09:53 AM
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I used to be on Twitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I was being followed by my husband's ex-wife's sister.

Someone included my username in a tweet about exes. It was something to the effect of "can't live with 'em"

My husband's ex called the police and wanted a peace bond against me because she was (in her words) "afraid for her life" and that I might "shoot her".

This was of course her tactic for not picking her son up at our house (something she still refuses to do). But she will pick him up at the shop at the end of our street.

It was upsetting at the time but I've learned to look at it more with pity. How sad her life must be that this is what she had to resort to. I never tweeted before and I certainly don't now....but what an exhausting life it must be to follow me around online to find things you can make mountains out of molehills about.
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Old 07-09-2014, 12:58 PM
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Why not just block people who "creep" your pages for information to be used against you? Facebook allows you to block anyone you like from viewing your pages.
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:14 PM
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Don't put anything on social media that you wouldn't want to see on the front page of your local newspaper. Similarly, if you're fine with the whole world seeing it, don't censor yourself because your partner's daughter might not like it. (The blocking feature on Facebook is useful - the other party doesn't get notified that they're blocked, they just can't access your page any more). You may also want to set more of your privacy settings to "friends only".

To the OP - you may want to reconsider being "quite vocal" on social media about your feelings concerning the way your partner's daughter acts towards her father. At some point she may lose the immaturity and attitude, and want to mend her relationship with you. You don't want some ancient tweet or status update to surface and derail the process if it happens. I'd scrub all that stuff, and save the venting for private emails or text messages.
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:21 PM
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Ya i dont say anything about that on social media. I meant I was vocal on this forum. I dont like the way she treats him and I really dont have a problem saying it. Ive mentioned my relationship with my father when I was her age (almost similar treatment) and how I regret it now but that just got me labelled as "preachy" so I just dont bother with her. Im polite when I am around her and thats the extent of our interaction.

And Ive blocked them all. Doesnt stop them from creeping through a friend or fake profile but if you have to go those lengths, thats a separate issue.
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Old 07-09-2014, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Ya i dont say anything about that on social media. I meant I was vocal on this forum. I dont like the way she treats him and I really dont have a problem saying it. Ive mentioned my relationship with my father when I was her age (almost similar treatment) and how I regret it now but that just got me labelled as "preachy" so I just dont bother with her. Im polite when I am around her and thats the extent of our interaction.

And Ive blocked them all. Doesnt stop them from creeping through a friend or fake profile but if you have to go those lengths, thats a separate issue.
I would've taken the same stance and thought you were being preachy. You did it yourself and now you are trying to tell her that she is wrong. She will eventually learn like you did. Just leave the subject alone with her and your partner. Up to them to work on it themselves.
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Old 07-09-2014, 05:42 PM
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It wasnt that i was telling her what to do. She actually asked me about my father when she didnt understand what her father and i were talking about. Again with the eavesdropping on a convo and then asking what we were talking about. I just said that i didnt speak to my father for years after the divorce thats why her dad was encouraging me to get together with him. If anything, the only time i was preachy with her was when she was talking about university programs and i suggested she look into a separate program offered at the one school to help balance her studies for future career opportunities. I also gave her a website to look at for summer work opportunities in her field. My partner agreed she was being too harsh about me trying to help and thats why i said i was done trying. When shes ready to see Im part of her dads life fine but im not bending over backwards for her.

My statement you bolded was taken out of context. Im vocal here and to my partner. I dont speak to his kids unless face to face and thats basically "hi, how are you, hows school/work/life".
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