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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2015, 04:49 PM
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My current partner is from Canada but lived in the USA for a while, and got pregnant there. The dad didn't want any part of his son's life, and she eventually decided to moved back to Canada to be close to her family. He didn't lift a finger in protest, and hasn't bothered to even try once to contact his son, seven years later.

So, in this case, she is a different kind of sole custody parent, and she certainly isn't vindictive. I have noticed, however, that there are certain aspects of co-parenting she observes between my ex and I that she struggles to accept. She sometimes doesn't understand why I choose to bite my tongue or volunteer to take the kids on my ex's time if she is working, and notes that I am "too easy on her". I sometimes have to remind her that since she doesn't have cooperate with her son's father, that she doesn't have to make same concessions and negotiations that I do with my own ex.

I have had a couple of ups and downs with my ex-wife, but we have maintained a largely cooperative relationship, and it seems to be heading in a progressively more positive direction.

What is hard for my current partner and others to understand is that the same positive direction doesn't happen by accident. It takes work. It means sometimes being right about something and still saying nothing about it. It means letting go of anger. It means doing something for your kids sake that might indirectly benefit your ex, and not feeling bent out of shape over it. It means loving your kids more than your ex.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2015, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
It means loving your kids more than your ex.
^^^Yep, whatever the case may be, this should be every parent's first priority.

To Arabian: good health, own teeth, decent pension - but don't forget abundant ear-wax is a deal-breaker
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2015, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
From what I've seen that's usually the case. All's fine until they find out about the new spouse. It's weird all the same - she wanted to divorce the guy because he's "satan's spawn" and is not worthy of her, yet all hell breaks loose when somebody else wants him? Go figure???

My partners one daughter told him once she couldnt understand how he was so happy and not angry like he was at home before the divorce. I could sympathize. I had a hard time watching my father be tender with his most recent partner who was dying of Alzheimer's. The whole situation is confusing for kids of all ages. The real problem is adults who refuse to take responsibility. My partner fully admits he made mistakes, he wasnt the greatest husband and there were many things he wishes he could have done differently. Hes moved on from it. His ex chooses to live in her fantasy world where she did nothing wrong, was the perfect wife and has no claim to the downfall of their marriage. Sadly she preaches this to her kids and it confuses them further.

Funny, all the things she says he was a failure at arent true in our relationship. All the things shes told to other people about him havent materialized in our relationship. Now she has to find new things to spew about. We just keep moving forward.

When I was in my mid 20's I realized why my mother was alone and always would be alone. I was upset I believed her bs for as long as I did and went through therapy to understand what a "healthy" relationship was all about.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2015, 10:21 AM
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Funny, all the things she says he was a failure at arent true in our relationship. All the things shes told to other people about him havent materialized in our relationship. Now she has to find new things to spew about. We just keep moving forward.
In all fairness, I'm sure that ''all the things she says he was a failure at" probably were non existent in the beginning of their relationship - also they were both younger and inexperienced at marriage. Now all she sees is his faults, and she chooses to ignore his better qualities. Perhaps it makes it easier for her to accept the divorce by painting him as the ''villain".

We all think the world of our spouses the first couple of years ... bitterness sets in over time, unforgiven hurts accumulate and the marriage goes sour.

I had a decade of lovey-dovey with my ex before we both started taking each other for granted, he slowly became alcoholic and I slowly gave up on the relationship. It happens ...

Moving forward is the main thing - people change over time, some get better, some get worse, a lot get divorced.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2015, 10:32 AM
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Ya no. It started the moment she "settled" for him. His family and friends have told me how different he has been with me versus her. I still cant believe he didnt bolt when she complained about the custom designed engagement ring when he presented it to her (and she helped design it). He'll say something to me during different situations or experiences or get this look and I know hes trying to figure out whether its normal or if it was just something his ex thought/felt. She wasnt happy with him from their second date. How do you stay with someone who actually tells you youre not right but theyll just suffer?

Some people are just not right for each other. These two forced their relationship from the get go because he didnt want to be alone and she had no other options. If youre with someone because you feel sorry for them or because youre afraid they are your only hope or because you need to be married to have kids or you think they'll change--you need to stop and seriously think about it.

Me: didnt you think it was odd that you guys fought all the time while dating? Him: I thought that was normal. Me: did any other couples you knew act like that? Like your parents, your friends, your siblings? Him: I figured they never fought in front of me or that I was really the horrible person she painted me as.

Im sorry but if the person you "love" tells you two weeks in that youre not ideal but youll "do" in place of Mr Perfect, you need to find someone who is perfectly happy with the person you are. Like I said though, he accepts his mistakes and the problems created from his decisions. I can tell you that for me, I stayed single so long because I wasnt going to settle for someone who will "do for now".
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2015, 10:50 AM
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Sorry I hijacked this thread....my bottom line is you cant live your life afraid of taking chances. A divorced person may have taken a chance and it didnt work out. That doesnt mean they are bad people, it just means that chance didnt work at that time. If I had stuck to my "no divorced men" I never would have been able to share my life with the man I did. A very dear friend of mine passed away last year and her husband was devastated. They were both divorced from first spouses and spent almost 30 years together before she passed. What if they had never sought each other out because they were both divorced? My father is far from perfect but he has found a perfectly imperfect person to spend his remaining days with after sharing 15 years with the last perfectly imperfect person. My mother is still alone.

Dont let the mistakes of someones past dictate what you want to see about. If someone is batshit crazy you can run. But judging them because of who they were with another person is wrong.

Arabian, Im lucky that divorced was the only item on my list overlooked. He has all his hair, teeth and fingernails, no ear wax and knows how to dress, eat properly in public and be a gentleman. Having standards is important
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2015, 08:37 AM
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To play devils advocate here....how do you know "all the things" the ex said to people? I don't know you nor do I know the other person, but you are obviously partizan to your partner.

I don't know how long you have been together, or how long they were married. Things usually take time to reveal themselves, hence the reason we see 15+ years marriage dissolve.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
My partners one daughter told him once she couldnt understand how he was so happy and not angry like he was at home before the divorce. I could sympathize. I had a hard time watching my father be tender with his most recent partner who was dying of Alzheimer's. The whole situation is confusing for kids of all ages. The real problem is adults who refuse to take responsibility. My partner fully admits he made mistakes, he wasnt the greatest husband and there were many things he wishes he could have done differently. Hes moved on from it. His ex chooses to live in her fantasy world where she did nothing wrong, was the perfect wife and has no claim to the downfall of their marriage. Sadly she preaches this to her kids and it confuses them further.

Funny, all the things she says he was a failure at arent true in our relationship. All the things shes told to other people about him havent materialized in our relationship. Now she has to find new things to spew about. We just keep moving forward.


When I was in my mid 20's I realized why my mother was alone and always would be alone. I was upset I believed her bs for as long as I did and went through therapy to understand what a "healthy" relationship was all about.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2015, 08:42 AM
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Well then.....I guess in light of this major difference, you still think it's worth embarking on a relationship together i.e. not seeing eye to eye on the parenting style, and concerns of how the kids will get along?

The percentage of blended families that don't work out is high according to the statistics out there. Oh, since the bio father is not in the picture, it will be a valid argument for her to pursue you for CS if *things shouldn't work out*. I wish you the best though

I am sure you are aware of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell View Post
My current partner is from Canada but lived in the USA for a while, and got pregnant there. The dad didn't want any part of his son's life, and she eventually decided to moved back to Canada to be close to her family. He didn't lift a finger in protest, and hasn't bothered to even try once to contact his son, seven years later.

So, in this case, she is a different kind of sole custody parent, and she certainly isn't vindictive. I have noticed, however, that there are certain aspects of co-parenting she observes between my ex and I that she struggles to accept. She sometimes doesn't understand why I choose to bite my tongue or volunteer to take the kids on my ex's time if she is working, and notes that I am "too easy on her". I sometimes have to remind her that since she doesn't have cooperate with her son's father, that she doesn't have to make same concessions and negotiations that I do with my own ex.

I have had a couple of ups and downs with my ex-wife, but we have maintained a largely cooperative relationship, and it seems to be heading in a progressively more positive direction.

What is hard for my current partner and others to understand is that the same positive direction doesn't happen by accident. It takes work. It means sometimes being right about something and still saying nothing about it. It means letting go of anger. It means doing something for your kids sake that might indirectly benefit your ex, and not feeling bent out of shape over it. It means loving your kids more than your ex.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2015, 08:49 AM
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Fair to say you will be bringing same to the table then...all 3 things??????

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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
My criteria remains the same - have own teeth, good personal hygiene and a pension.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2015, 09:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serendipitous View Post
Well then.....I guess in light of this major difference, you still think it's worth embarking on a relationship together i.e. not seeing eye to eye on the parenting style, and concerns of how the kids will get along?

The percentage of blended families that don't work out is high according to the statistics out there. Oh, since the bio father is not in the picture, it will be a valid argument for her to pursue you for CS if *things shouldn't work out*. I wish you the best though

I am sure you are aware of this.
Well, we're setting up a cohabitation agreement whereby neither of us owe the other for either child support or spousal in the even of a breakup. (similar to prenup)

Also, the difference isn't in parenting style, rather, she just isn't used to having to deal with the other parent, so negotiations, concessions, compromise, etc. are all things she isn't used to.

For example, if my partner wants to put her son in hockey, she puts him in hockey. She has no one to answer to but herself. If I want to put my son in hockey, I have to get my ex to agree on the program, schedule, and costs in advance so that I know she will actually take him on the weeks that she has him.
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