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Old 01-18-2006, 11:10 AM
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Default New Joke Thread (good Idea!)

I have three dogs and one cat...boy did I howl when I first read this!



I How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call friend from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the ?**!! cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little !!*?'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2006, 10:50 PM
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I love it! I have a dog and two hamsters. Well, my kids have two hamsters and I have a mess....
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Old 01-19-2006, 03:53 PM
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Default Stuff to ponder

Here are a few more things to think about that you probably have never thought about before...

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Who was the first perso! n to look at an egg come out of a chickens butt and say "That looks like some good eatin!"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that turns the toast into a charcoal briquette , which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from mor

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Old 01-23-2006, 12:59 AM
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Quote:
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Now now, this one is not funny at all
The others are quite good though hehehe
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Old 01-24-2006, 04:56 AM
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"Why do toasters always have a setting that turns the toast into a charcoal briquette , which no decent human being would eat?"

hahaha because some people like it that way believe it or not.
Oh, and because charcoal toast is great for a hangover!
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:13 PM
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Those are really funny. The cat and dog joke is hilarious, I have a cat, and I could see her doing that haha. Laughing cures all ailments.
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Old 01-30-2006, 07:42 PM
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It really does help to cure doesnt it?
I try to surround myself with funny, positive people when Im down.
Its amazing how it helps.
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Old 02-14-2006, 09:10 PM
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I am glad my joke has made some of you guys laugh.

Cheeeer up! Life isn't that bad after all.
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Old 03-31-2006, 07:51 PM
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Hahah that's great. I have two cats and I can just picture this whole thing. They are so stubborn, especially my Bassie. She's give me this really evil look and will spread her paws out and close her mouth. She tries to do this when we brush her teet (the poor kitty has bad gums!). Ah well, I thought it was a funny joke.
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Old 04-05-2006, 05:18 AM
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Speaking of cats, i have a baby kitten to look after now hehe
I found a 4 week old kitten lost from its mother, i just had to take it home.
Its quite a handful..
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