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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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Old 11-23-2005, 08:56 PM
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Default Need to vent? How about reading a joke?

Lets atleast have a humor section. I realize all of us are having a rough time right now. But I always heard that laughter is the best medicine. Humor helps relieve stress. Just as long as it does bash ex's and keep it clean would be nice.
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Old 11-23-2005, 08:58 PM
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What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment
NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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Old 11-23-2005, 08:59 PM
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.

The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU -------! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
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Old 11-23-2005, 09:51 PM
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PARENT - Job Description


If it had been presented this way, nobody would have done it!!!!



POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma



Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa



JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.



RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.



POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining, and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you



PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.



WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.



BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated
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Old 11-25-2005, 01:52 PM
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Grace, you're so right :-)
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Old 12-01-2005, 08:49 PM
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No offence to the guys here, thought this joke was rather funny though

It all depends on your perspective ...
An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.

The male students wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The female students wrote:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Old 12-23-2005, 01:32 AM
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I actually saw a funny McDonalds job application by a kid who stated his expected salary was about $100k
Needless to say he didnt get the Maccas job
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Old 12-24-2005, 01:01 AM
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lpstong,
I've re- read your joke several times and still get a great chuckle from it.very cute.
Here's what I remember of an e-mail that my sister sent me:

"How's your 2005 year been?", said one friend to the other,"well", the friend replied:
January: I returned a scarf back to the store because it was too tight!

Feb: I got fired from job at the pharmacy,they said I wasn't printing the labels....DUH... don't they know the medicine bottles won't FIT in a typewriter!!

March: I was very excited because I finished a puzzle in only 6 months and the box said 4-6 years!

April: I got locked out of my car and it was pouring rain;the interior was ruined because the top was down!

May: Power went out ;got trapped on escalator for hours

June: Tried to make Kool-aid but didn't work-8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet!

July: lost breast-stroke competition....learned later that other swimmers cheated.....they used their arms!!!!!

Aug: Tried to go water-skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope!

Sept: The Capital of California is........C, isn't it????

Oct: discovered I hate M&Ms; they're so hard to peel!

Nov: baked turkey for Thanksgiving..DISASTER! Don't know what went wrong; instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108 pounds!?

Dec: couldn't call 911---DUH--there's no '11' on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-16-2006, 09:25 PM
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Quote:
Tried to go water-skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope!
hehe, I like those pun type jokes - they are a good play on words and bring a smile to your face.

This thread is awesome
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