Need Advice.....Changes to SA

[AngieJ]

Hey Everyone,

Here is a little background:

Together: 17yrs, Married: Aug 2002
Separated: May 2011
SA signed: July 2011 (signed by us and witness, no lawyers involved)
Matrimonial Home sold: Aug 2011 (assets divided, joint debt paid, balance spilt equally)
Moved out on my own: Sep 1 2011
Closing of Mat Home: Sep 30, 2011
X bought townhouse 800m away from my apartment
Kids: 2 boys, 6 & 10
Shared parenting 50/50, Kids are exchanged at 4pm on Sundays according to SA

So here is where I need advice:

X talks to me yesterday about wanting to start exchanging the kids on Saturdays at 4pm rather than Sundays, telling me they are driving him crazy. I asked him to let me think about it a little bit and then we could discuss it some more.

If I agree to this proposal then I loose out on a full weekend with my kids, which means no planning weekend trips, if ever the kids want to have sleepovers at a friends place then I loose even more time.

I work full time, so during my weeks, I get about 1hr with kids in the mornings before they go to daycare, then by the time I pick them up at 4pm after work, we get about 3 to 4 hours together before they are off to bed, including homework, dinner, showers, etc. So I look forward to the weekends when I can spend two full days with them.

I've tried thinking of alternatives, such as switching on Fridays or Mondays, but I don't think he would accept this as I think he is trying to only have them one full day on weekends rather than two full days every other weekend.

I don't want to be difficult, I want to be able to comprimise. I had even thought of telling him that if his preference is to bring them back on Saturdays on his weeks that he can, but that I would still keep them for my full weekend and bring them back to him on Sundays.

Has anyone here had to deal with this before? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Angie

[Rioe]

Originally Posted by AngieJ

X talks to me yesterday about wanting to start exchanging the kids on Saturdays at 4pm rather than Sundays, telling me they are driving him crazy.

That's not a flaw in your agreement that a change of exchange days will fix. That's a flaw in his parenting that he's got to evolve and improve, not just get rid of by sending the kids to you.

He basically doesn't want two full non-working days in a row? That's really not fair to either of you, as it limits a lot of weekend activities, to both the parent with the children and the parent without. As you said, you can't easily go away for the weekend anywhere with a Saturday exchange day.

I would maybe find out, from the kids or him, what they do that drives him crazy, exactly. Are they just bored at his place because he is not keeping them occupied?

[AngieJ]

Rio,

Dad has anger management issues and 0 patience, most of reasons why I made the decision that I could not live that way anymore. From our history together I can only say that the kids are being kids and dad is stressing out.

He moved into his new home on Oct 3, and when I have been by there, not much has been done to progress at getting settled, my youngest sons room is set up because I helped him do it, and my oldest is still sleeping on his matress on the floor (parts for bunk beds were missing for a while but we found them a few weeks ago). It would seem the progress slowed down after he got his tv connected. If I had to guess, if history is any indication, he's getting home every night and watching tv and not getting much done.

I was actually surprised when we originally discussed the arrangements for the kids when we were discussing the separation and he said he wanted 50/50, I offered him that or every other weekend, told him it was his choice.

Now I just don't know how to handle this, i want to be able to keep things amicable for the sake of my kids.

[BeenThereTwice]

I agree with Rioe that you ex suggestion that he wants "to start exchanging the kids on Saturdays at 4pm rather than Sundays" does suggest his parenting needs work. Your own comments magnify that. From your time line it's only been a short while since you separated and made the SA, and already it's proving difficult for him. I suggest it's only going to get worse. Hope not.. But I think you should consider that this is just the thin end of the wedge.

You've made it this far without lawyers, by negotiating everything yourselves. There's a LOT to be said for keeping that going if you are able.

I agree with you 100% that you MUST !!! be able to keep the kids for the whole weekend every other weekend. The Saturday exchange simply would NOT work for exactly the reasons you mention, and you sure as hell would not want to get that cast into concrete within the SA.

It sounds like you'd like to have the kids a bit more on the weekends, so why don't you start off my telling your ex that you'd be willing to have the kids come home Saturday night, or even Saturday morning or Friday night if he wishes, provided that he advises you 2 days in advance by email, and you confirm back to him. But don't make any changes to your weekends.

My gut feel tells me that this won't be the last time you take the kids at times when he is supposed to have them, but can't cope. I suggest you keep that in the back of your mind as you try to accomodate HIS wishes, while standing firm to hold onto your weekends.

Please don't fold on keeping the kids for your weekends just for the sake of keeping things amicable. It's not only YOU who enjoys those weekends, but the kids too.. and we do it all for them don't we.

You might consider making some FIRM weekend plans for your weekends for the next month or two, so that dropping the kids to dad's a day early isn't an option. Tell him so. Then let him know "what the hell Joe.. I'm home anyway on Saturday so if you'd like me to take the kids Saturday night bring em on over".

Keep a private journal record of these events quietly.

[BeenThereTwice]

Originally Posted by AngieJ

I had even thought of telling him that if his preference is to bring them back on Saturdays on his weeks that he can, but that I would still keep them for my full weekend and bring them back to him on Sundays.

Yeah.. that's what I meant. You could start off with just an informal arrangement without putting it in SA (for the time being).

[BeenThereTwice]

Angie.. why don't you add some financial details to your post, including your (and ex) income, and CS and SS arrangements. How stable do you think you 9and his) employment?

Also.. as your kids are 6 and 10.. they are I assume both in school now. How involved are you with the school? the teachers? the other parents of kids in same classes? the other kids themselves? and same question for your ex. Would your ex know the name of the two teachers for your kids? would he know who the best friends are at school for your kids (i.e. their names)? Do either or both of you attend school functions like annual concerts? parent teacher meetings? school BBQ? etc I'm trying to get a sense for how "involved" each of you are in your kids lives.

I am guessing (always risky) that you are quite involved, but much less so for your ex. As a father of two girls (10 and 15), as well as two older kids (28 and 25) I can tell you that I have been MUCH more involved with the younger two than the older two, and it's been an incredibly rewarding experience for me. I'm guessing for the kids as well, but really here I'd like to focus on how rewarding I found it myself as their father. Becoming involved in their school lives meant putting myself in THEIR lives.. rather than bringing them into MY life.. and I am guessing that's a transition your ex has not yet made. I can't tell you how many of the parenting issues that I've faced have beenj resolved at the school playground, as the kids played, by simply talking to other parents there about how they handled the same thing. Plus, being involved with their school, teachers, homework and friends has given us lots of stuff to talk about, as we built our own relatoinship with each other.

Another thing I did, and I think this was REALLY HUGE in terms of it's impact on all three of us, was simply to ensure that each and every night we cooked and ate dinner together. Young kids can't help too too much, but they can still help. And they WANT to. The big thing was simply sitting together.. abd talking about stuff as we eat. TV off.. No distractions. Friday night was always pizza and movie night, and we'd go together to pick out a movie. I did the same for breakfasts on the weekends, and got really surprised one morning when my 15 year old (then 12) came bounding our of her room.. eager to tell me "Dad.. guess what.. I got my first period". It was a blinding flash for me.. to know that she told me before she told her mother. And it was a confirmation that everything I had done.. all of it. was done for a reason. It was a little uncomfortable at the moment.. but we got through it... with the standard parent stuff that has to be done.. (like making sure she had an emergecy kit for her school locker etc).

Anyway.. I digress. Can I get some sense of how "involved" you each are with your kids. Perhaps the best way to help your ex, aside from giving him an OUT when he can't cope with the kids (by taking them), is to think of some ways to help him get more involved at school, without him feeling "pushed" to do it.

[AngieJ]

My X makes about 20 grand a year more than I do, there is no SS, and the CS is the offset amount of $200/month. Jobs are stable, I work for Fed Gov and he has been at his for about 16 years. I did not ask for SS or touch his pension, I just wanted help with support for the kids and that was it.

I was generally the one who was always involved in everthing related to the kids. School, teachers, friends, play dates, sleep overs, homework, bath time, bed time, etc. He was always there for doctor appts, and dentist appts but that was because we car pooled, we had to go together. I would always share everything with him regarding the kids, like everthing that was going on at school, etc. Both of my boys have ADHD, so there has been a lot of involvement with the school and doctors.

I agree, that doing everything is new for my X. I took care of everything, shopping, finances, groceries, laundry, cleaning, making everyones appts for dental or medical, when we got up in the morning, he would head off to get ready for work, leaving me to get myself, the kids, lunches and coffee ready to go, when we would get home from work, he would head to the basement couch to watch TV, and I did the rest. He would come up for dinner, then head back to the couch.

I don't want to be a NAG to him, and tell him how to parent, I have tried to offer some advice on occasion over the last few months since we have been living apart, and I get the nasty look, and the "Ya, I know". So I have tried to back off from that, don't want to cause alienation. I think he is bitter about the separation, see, it was my choice to leave, I am no longer in love with him and have not been for some time, and I could just no longer live my life walking on egg shells waiting for another angry explosion.

Anything else you wanna know?

[BeenThereTwice]

I had an ADHD son myself, plus I think I was also as a child. Child needs, and possibly dad needs, as much "structure" and "routine" in life as possible.

Seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you really, from the bottom of your heart, WANT dad to be as involved with his son's as possible. Am I right?

If so.. (and perhaps with help of others reading this) lets try to think of some ways to get him more engaged without "nagging' him.

Do you think he hits the couch and TV after work because he's TIRED? or because he's "caged", and has nothing else to do? I suspect the latter. Your opinion?

What activities does you ex like? hockey? soccer? anything of the sort? How about getting your boys into some after school, or weekend soccer or hockey or something like that.. what would you ex say?

[AngieJ]

Originally Posted by BeenThereTwice

I had an ADHD son myself, plus I think I was also as a child. Child needs, and possibly dad needs, as much "structure" and "routine" in life as possible.

Seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you really, from the bottom of your heart, WANT dad to be as involved with his son's as possible. Am I right?

If so.. (and perhaps with help of others reading this) lets try to think of some ways to get him more engaged without "nagging' him.

Do you think he hits the couch and TV after work because he's TIRED? or because he's "caged", and has nothing else to do? I suspect the latter. Your opinion?

What activities does you ex like? hockey? soccer? anything of the sort? How about getting your boys into some after school, or weekend soccer or hockey or something like that.. what would you ex say?

X has been diagnosed with borderline ADHD and Dystemic Disorder (Cronic Depression). He seems to be finally taking the steps to get the help he needs which I think is great for him as well as his relationship with the kids.

Yes, I most certainly do want him to be involved as much as possible with his kids, see I grew up without one and know how important it is and how important he is to them. Any suggestions to get that to happen are most welcome, without the "Nagging". See my first son was a "surprise" and my X and I had been together 7yrs by then, and he was not ready to be a father (if you understand my meaning).

Not sure the reasons for hitting the couch, could be the depression, could be the stress from work, could be the increasing relationship problems we've gone through over the years.

As for activities of the X, that would be couch surfing and PC gaming, not much else.

As for kids activities, we enroll them in soccer every summer, and they were taking MMA 3 times a week until this past summer, finances got tight so we had to stop for a while. We have both discussed that we do want to get the kids back into going again, we just both have to review our finances to see if we can afford it, so he is on board for activities. Plus I think it will be good for the X, get him out socializing with other parents.

[BeenThereTwice]

You seem like you have your head screwed on pretty straight, with the sole exception that you still have a fear of how he'll react if you say something he doesn't like. Just a thought.. perhaps you need to reflect on "how" you say things (tone etc) and the "timing" of when you say them.

I agree that getting the kids.. including the EX.. back into those activities (soccer, MMA etc) is good for all parties. Yes.. money can be an issue.

In my family.. the extended family.. I've been amazed these last few years by how much of the modern "stuff" has been done away with. No data plans. Many have no mobile phone, or no home phone.. a cheaper internet plan.. skype calls.. no a/c on at house until July.. no heat until mid October.. etc etc. One car families instead of two. Biking to work. No cable. and so on and so on. It seemed hard at first, but once the $$ aspects really kick in it's great.. plus we aren't quite as distracted by all the toys. One of my brothers parked his car and busses Hamilton to Burlington for work. Then he got free bus both ways because he's with CN rail.. and is a good talker. Major savings.