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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2015, 12:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderer View Post
I sent an email to Ex a week ago introducing idea of mediation. Today finally I get a response. He wants to take bio mom to mediation. I replied saying I don't feel comfortable with her coming. Now we are arguing back and forth over everything else. I've since stopped responding but now I'm wondering if mediation will just be a waste of time amd money. If the bio mom wasn't involved so much we wouldn't be arguing at all!! Our conversation via email wasn't even about money and assets or the kids just about her! If only we can get passed this perhaps we can just 50/50 everything and just move on! Im not asking for anything extra for taking 4 years of my life and staying in the home to raise HIS kids just that we split it down the middle. But he wants more!
Links17....im taking the patient route. Im still hoping mediation will work. If only he realizes that bio mom has nothing to do with this!
My opinion:
-Let him bring his mother, unless you are intimidated or can't handle them. I would suggest you try to play them off each other. You can also propose to bring a second person yourself.
-The language "! Im not asking for anything extra for taking 4 years of my life and staying in the home to raise HIS kids just that we split it down the middle" is not helpful, neither is the perspective - I can flip it around and say "I wasted 4 years of my life paying for you lazy ass"
-You want to split everything down the middle, even the house he accumulated before the marriage on the basis of a 4 year marriage?
-Focus on the goal, you want a deal, if he wants his mom to come (how lame btw) then let him - don't let it stop you from getting the deal. You can maybe ask that only he speaks to keep things fair...
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2015, 12:55 AM
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We were together for 8 years. I took 4 years off to help raise his two young kids from previous relationship. "Bio Mom" is the kids biological mother that just popped back into kids life after being absent for 4! She is the reason why me and ex are divorcing. Ex wants to take her to mediation. I just somehow don't feel comfortable with this. The house was bought by the both of us. My ex sold his house in his first divorce to pay for the divorce.
I can see what you are saying with how I put my situation in words though, it does set me up saying that!
Biggest issue at hand is that ex says if I want to be able to continue to see the kids he would like me to pay child support. The kids are not mine biologically but I raised them from very young when biological mom dissapeared. They feel like they are my own, but in this process i keep getting referred to as step parent and being told I have no parental rights. I get that, I really do but it hurts!
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2015, 12:57 AM
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I want to be fair but I feel like he is starting to play dirty! How do I not fall into this trap? Every chance he gets he tries to make me angry and threatens me using the kids.
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Old 01-14-2015, 01:36 AM
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Here's my opinion, I'm no lawyer, just a poster in a divorce forum.

a) Bio Mom has no business being there, this is a case between you and him.
b) If you are being referred to as "step parent" it is because you are (legally).
c) Try your best to keep your emotions out of the negotiations.
d) If you purchased the house with him, you are certainly entitled to 50%.
e) Child support is not intended as a ransom to see the children, your Ex is way out of line on that assumption.
f) Don't listen to your ex, listen to your lawyer from now on ....

Last edited by Janibel; 01-14-2015 at 01:38 AM.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2015, 09:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderer View Post
I want to be fair but I feel like he is starting to play dirty! How do I not fall into this trap? Every chance he gets he tries to make me angry and threatens me using the kids.
As long as you are not in court playing fair/dirty is meaningless at the end there is no judge to "Fool" in mediation....

Let him threaten you... does it hurt you (physically or in your negotiating position?) - what he says makes no difference. I would just record them the threats especially if they are outside of mediation. In fact, I would set him up via email to put those. Also demand respect while you negotiate... You shouldn't be demeaned.

From reading your post it seems you are hurt (which is super normal). However you are now dealing with business, take your feelings put them in a box and kick them off a cliff.

Figure out what you want and go for it.....

In regards to the children,
1. You are a step parent at best - official now you are an ex-step parent.
2. Be careful about any admissions you will later regret especially about your role and child support etc...
3. You probably have rights but I can't help that those rights will be be same source as child support obligations.

I think if I were you, I would actually just get proper monetary compensation for your 4 years of sacrifice
- (take 3%^4 x maximum salary you will earn in your lifetime/2),
-the value + value increase of assets you came into the marriage and leave.

If the parents are reconciling (it will probably eventually fail again) that might be best for the children.

I would suggest that you gradually fade out of the children's lives - I can't possibly see 2 "Moms" being able to function properly caring for these kids - seems like a total nightmare. I agree its not fun and you'll be hurt and miss the children - maybe you can take the role of an "aunt" for a while and then move on or stay in that role if it works? I completely empathize with your situation but what is the ideal conclusion for the kids here? Their bio-mom is back/present and they have a loving "aunt" that cared for them while she was out smoking "crack"....?
Its a tough call
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2015, 02:07 PM
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From one step-parent to another... I truly think you are fighting a losing battle. I have two wonderful step children, who I treat like my own, my family treats them like their own, they are one of us. However, they have a mother and that will never change. Our situations are different, in which Mom is in the picture, however, now mom is back in your picture.

As a step parent, we have a fine line to walk. If my fiance and I for some reason didn't work out down the road, I would be absolutely crushed at the fact that I couldn't see the kids again, but that is a risk we take when we get into a relationship with a man with kids.

It is unfortunate you are divorcing because Mom is back in the picture... I hope it isn't because you don't want her around. The way I look at the situation is the more people to love and care for the children the better, but not everyone shares my views. You have two issues that sort of do go hand in hand. You want access to the children because you acted like a parent. By you stating you want access and acted like a parent means you would also be responsible for all the financial implications that come along with parenthood.

In reality you may end up with no access unless Dad and Mom decide they want to share with you, which seems unlikely. It is a hard pill to swallow but one day the children may get old enough and seek you out.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 01-15-2015, 03:13 AM
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Thank you so much for all the great advice.
I do need to try my best to set my pain aside and communicate using less emotions. It's so hard though but im trying.
In regards to the kids, so many years of being their only mom to now being the step mom, is going to take some getting used to. I know there will be a time where I won't see them again. I just hope that they get the same care from their bio mom that I gave them.
Mediation set for 2 weeks from now and I hope we can settle things without having to take it to court. He's agreed that it just be the two of us thankfully.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2015, 01:32 PM
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From another thread -
Quote:
Originally Posted by Straittohell
Tell her that you will be more than happy to show up in court if the mediation doesn't work out, but that you owe it to each other to duck the expensive mess of a courtroom.


Good suggestion. I tried it, but it didn't work at least not yet.

I need some reassurance. Am I correct that a mediator can identify financial options to shape a financial package?
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2015, 02:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike62 View Post
From another thread -


Good suggestion. I tried it, but it didn't work at least not yet.

I need some reassurance. Am I correct that a mediator can identify financial options to shape a financial package?
The mediator can't give legal advice, but can certainly share is considered to be fair and appropriate based on the information that you both give that mediator.

They can suggest, but they can't compel. A good mediator will get the parties to meet somewhere in the middle, as long as both parties go in with reasonable expectations.

Both my ex and I had some unreasonable expectations, but kept an open mind and allowed the mediator to set us straight on our misconceptions.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 04-27-2015, 11:41 AM
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Spouse and I will each see a mediator over the next two weeks. The journey to get there has been slow and painful.

Mediator tells me there is nothing for me to do prior to the one-on-one meeting. This meeting follows a short telephone interview last January. The 60 minutes is strictly for him to do a more detailed assessment.

I'm a planner and like to be ready before a meeting so the mediator's comment makes me a bit antsy.

For those who've been to a mediator what questions were asked of you in the one-on-on session? Thank you.
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