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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2015, 04:00 PM
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This thread is a timely one for me. Spouse and I can't get by how to deal with the matrimonial home. Spouse wants half and then an equal amount in recognition of her blood, sweat and tears making the house a home. She won't discuss any other issue until I agree.

I'm willing to consider her request provided it's part of a wider package.

Right now, I'm super keen on trying mediation. I think it will save time and money, and avoid the use of Prozac And, I hope by speaking with a third party spouse might come around to seeing her request as without merit - IMHO.

Spouse says a mediator is a waste of time.

I've been waiting for a change of heart on her part for two weeks. My inclination is to be patient. Thoughts?
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Old 01-13-2015, 04:13 PM
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Mediation didn't work for us as we are polar opposites as to how to split the marital pie. Later we had to go to a settlement conference were a judge gave her recommendations as to how a trial judge would probably rule - her opinion was very close to what I had suggested from the get-go.

Unfortunately the STBX and his (3rd) lawyer wanted nothing to do with it. So now we are headed to trial - more expense, more waiting for a clean break. Paying for yet another judge to basically decide what could have been accomplished 2 years ago.

There's no negotiating with a person who thinks 'my way or the highway'.
Being patient can be expensive ....

Last edited by Janibel; 01-13-2015 at 04:16 PM.
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Old 01-13-2015, 04:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike62 View Post
This thread is a timely one for me. Spouse and I can't get by how to deal with the matrimonial home. Spouse wants half and then an equal amount in recognition of her blood, sweat and tears making the house a home. She won't discuss any other issue until I agree.

I'm willing to consider her request provided it's part of a wider package.

Right now, I'm super keen on trying mediation. I think it will save time and money, and avoid the use of Prozac And, I hope by speaking with a third party spouse might come around to seeing her request as without merit - IMHO.

Spouse says a mediator is a waste of time.

I've been waiting for a change of heart on her part for two weeks. My inclination is to be patient. Thoughts?
Just speaking #s between spousal support, pension and the house can you afford to give her the house for free?

You can agree to perhaps pay her "in spousal support" the other half of the house so it becomes tax deductible?

Lower upfront sum, higher monthly payments - more tax deductions.
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Old 01-13-2015, 05:45 PM
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I sent an email to Ex a week ago introducing idea of mediation. Today finally I get a response. He wants to take bio mom to mediation. I replied saying I don't feel comfortable with her coming. Now we are arguing back and forth over everything else. I've since stopped responding but now I'm wondering if mediation will just be a waste of time amd money. If the bio mom wasn't involved so much we wouldn't be arguing at all!! Our conversation via email wasn't even about money and assets or the kids just about her! If only we can get passed this perhaps we can just 50/50 everything and just move on! Im not asking for anything extra for taking 4 years of my life and staying in the home to raise HIS kids just that we split it down the middle. But he wants more!
Links17....im taking the patient route. Im still hoping mediation will work. If only he realizes that bio mom has nothing to do with this!
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:09 PM
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Another question. Mediation package says no witnesses are allowed so can my ex bring bio mom for meeting that does not involve kids?
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:23 PM
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Janibel: I'm quickly discovering that common sense gets trumped by emotions.
Links17: I see your #s proposal as win-win.
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Old 01-13-2015, 06:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike62 View Post
Janibel: I'm quickly discovering that common sense gets trumped by emotions.
Links17: I see your #s proposal as win-win.
That's the bread and butter of lawyers everywhere: war = billable hours!
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Old 01-13-2015, 08:29 PM
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Default Clause to Protect Costs of a mediation

I am putting together an offer to settle. Our OCL recommended a parent co-ordination. It sounds like an easy way for a high conflict to keep yapping and it scares me as something that could get costly.

This thing started two years ago with her accusing me of bruising our boy, not feeding him and treating to kill her...that's all been called out but today's drama is that I'm apparently "stealing" his school uniforms. It will never end.

There will always be a drama with this one. I don't want to make it easy for her to keep opening up gripes. I once saw on here a posting with a really good clause around PCs and I guess arbitration and then anyone who opened up an issue and lost would pay the costs. I can't find it in search...does anyone know where?
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Old 01-13-2015, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
I am putting together an offer to settle. Our OCL recommended a parent co-ordination. It sounds like an easy way for a high conflict to keep yapping and it scares me as something that could get costly.

This thing started two years ago with her accusing me of bruising our boy, not feeding him and treating to kill her...that's all been called out but today's drama is that I'm apparently "stealing" his school uniforms. It will never end.

There will always be a drama with this one. I don't want to make it easy for her to keep opening up gripes. I once saw on here a posting with a really good clause around PCs and I guess arbitration and then anyone who opened up an issue and lost would pay the costs. I can't find it in search...does anyone know where?
If you two make it all the way to trial, the judge will have no patience for "gripes" or hearsay. Unless her accusations can be proven, they are worthless, so don't even worry about that. The numbers and facts are all that matter in the end.

Nowadays 50/50 parenting is the norm (or should be) unless there are serious issues - that again - must be sustained by proof.

What you should be worrying about is that most lawyers will fan the flames, actually encouraging arguments which cost you both a lot of time and $$$. Keep your money for your kids college fund rather than the lawyer's children.
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Old 01-13-2015, 10:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike62 View Post
This thread is a timely one for me. Spouse and I can't get by how to deal with the matrimonial home. Spouse wants half and then an equal amount in recognition of her blood, sweat and tears making the house a home. She won't discuss any other issue until I agree.

I'm willing to consider her request provided it's part of a wider package.

Right now, I'm super keen on trying mediation. I think it will save time and money, and avoid the use of Prozac And, I hope by speaking with a third party spouse might come around to seeing her request as without merit - IMHO.

Spouse says a mediator is a waste of time.

I've been waiting for a change of heart on her part for two weeks. My inclination is to be patient. Thoughts?
Going to one mediation session is pretty much all you need to do to determine if it's going to work or not. It can't hurt to give it one session. Your ex says a mediator is a waste of time because she knows full well that the mediator is going to tell her she's wrong to want the full value of the matrimonial home.

Which I am not really following, to be honest. She wants the entire value, her half plus your half? So, say it's mortgage free and worth $400k. She basically wants to walk away from equalization $400k richer than you do? Blood, sweat and tears? That's nonsense considering that you probably contributed just as much, but in different ways. Or does she just mean that she wants to be the one to end up with the home after everything is divided, and you're the one to buy a new home? Then there just has to be $200k in other assets for you to have instead, or she has to take out a mortgage so she can pay you.

This sort of financial inequality attitude is often seen in the ex who feels most wronged by the break-up. She's trying to financially punish you for something (cheating on her, leaving her, making her do ALL the housework for the entire marriage, something) or recoup what she sees as an investment on her part into the home that you didn't match. Figure out the driving desire, and you may be able to negotiate better with her.

A change of heart is likely going to take more than two weeks. That's not much time at all to adjust to the idea of a marital breakdown.
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