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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 01:19 PM
WEC WEC is offline
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will he compromise his case going in with an older offer to the mother for 20 to avoid support? will the mother seem more reasonable for budging from a set 30-70 to a temporary 40-60? they're going into something called open mediation which i think can be used in court. what can i tell him? i never really liked her much but i dont think hes really thinking about the kids.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 02:36 PM
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You should re-read what I just wrote.

Picking a selfish, unreasonable, and unrealistic position will not 'compromise' his case, he just won't be successful.

They should be ditching all of their respective posturing and picking a 60-40, or 50-50 position, and they should be discussing, like proper adults, how they would build a schedule around what would benefit the kids.

He has to recognize that he will be paying support. She has to recognize that she won't get to see her kids as much. They're both going to lose something out of this, but that's what divorce is.

Your friend should come on this site, browse the various threads and/or horror stories, consider what the vast majority of people end up getting, and then be reasonable.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 02:47 PM
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just spoke with my friend. we're both attending a conference and im just about to go into a meeting. this is quick and hopefully when its done i might have some answers here.

i asked if he was going to draft a new offer for mediation and suggested it would be better for him. all he said was 'there's something to say for an alcoholic and the mentally ill. sexual abuse is not tolerated either. everythings good.' he tipped his hat and walked off to his next meeting.

im confused and a bit afraid about what hes intending to do. i never liked her she was quiet but always a good mom. she was friendly enough but i didnt have anything in common with her. shes a stayathome mom with odd jobs. i travel and have a career. she has kids i dont. we have nothing in common.

she has sole custody of a teenage son from a previous relationship.
im afraid for what he implied. am i out of my mind to think the worst in what he said to me? is this possible? did i imagine the implication? i dont even know what im supposed to understand since i asked about preparing for mediation. what damage will this do if i heard it right? omg!

i dont know how to contact her. she changed her numbers and blocked me from facebook. i dont know where she lives. im out of town too. i also dont want to come across like a loon!

anyone have thoughts? sorry gotta go. shoot!
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 02:59 PM
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Take a deep breath.

People say all kinds of BS during a separation, it brings out the worst in people. People make all kinds of allegations, many of them untrue.

In court, it isn't what you say, it is what you can prove.

Mental illness -is there a diagnosis from a psychiatrist?
Alcoholism - is there an admission or doctors diagnosis?
Sexual Abuse?

I've been accused of gambling, being abusive and controlling. My ex would wholeheartedly deny she said those things today.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 05:12 PM
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got out of my last meeting a few minutes early. noticed my post was moved. sorry if i posted on wrong board... thanks for your response dtd. to answer your questions: mental illness? never appeared the case. my friend always described her as the center of his world and how much he loves her. alcoholism? aside from a drink or two provided by him, at every function i saw her manage not only their kids but everyone's kids. it was a bit of a running joke that 'entertainment' didnt need to be hired if she was coming. she kept all the kids pretty busy and they loved her. sexual abuse? from her son? no. ive never gotten a weird vibe from him. helpful, smart, funny and usually assumed the role of a server whenever we all got together. a really sweet young man.

my friend always described her to be everything to him. he never complained about her capabilities to care for children and i certainly witnessed that capability. he always talked her up to be incredible. i dont know what my friend is about to do if he hasnt already. it concerns me i feel stuck. and i feel sick.

i guess im asking what will happen to her if he does do something stupid. will the kids be taken from her and will she be investigated? criminally? civilly? i think this is wrong but struggle with what he implied earlier today. havent seen him since and im kinda glad. what will happen to the boy's future if hes charged criminally for a bogus offense? he wants to be a lawyer.

is any of this allowed in family law? what are the laws? more importantly what are the holes in the law if hes planning on strategically basing his case on these types of accusations to avoid support obligations? how can i talk him out of it if i heard him right? i dont know if hes implemented any action but i am truly left with a chilling sense. why would i as a long-time friend encourage reasonable mediation if i suspect underhanded maneuvers to get her to agree to 20 access.

will she be robbed of the 3 little kids until this settles? what is she up against? do i have to listen to my friend and support what i think he'll do when i dont see a basis for it? based on my own experience growing up i cant think that this will be good for those 3 little girls.
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Old 10-22-2014, 05:27 PM
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i did read your original contribution. thank you. a bit has transpired since. i started another thread with omg! and it got moved to the general chat board. im sorry i posted on the wrong board but it was a followup to this thread.

i think my friend is about to go nuts. i dont know how im going to be implicated but i get the feeling he wont by counting on me for anything much further. i think hes making massive mistakes. i didnt like her but she has been a really good mom.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 05:48 PM
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This doesn't make sense. The types of allegations your friend is making will not enable him to avoid paying support. No judge is going to say "well, dad says mom is a mentally ill alcoholic, so her kids shouldn't receive financial support from dad". If anything, these antics will give him more financial responsibility, because if mom is such an unfit parent, why isn't dad taking over primary responsibility for the kids?

These kinds of allegations (I'm going to assume they're false) are the sorts of things people say when

a) they're trying to get sole custody of the kids by making the other party out to be a neglectful or dangerous parent; or

b) they're in the grip of rage and not thinking clearly and just trying to spread as much poison about their ex as possible.

Given what you've said about the situation, it sounds like the second is the case.

You don't have to support your friend if he's acting this way. If the opportunity presents itself, you can point out that he is going to find himself in a world of hurt if he's lying about his ex in legal proceedings. He needs to calm down, put on his big-boy pants, and think more about what's good for his kids and less about how much he hates his ex.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WEC View Post
got out of my last meeting a few minutes early. noticed my post was moved. sorry if i posted on wrong board... thanks for your response dtd. to answer your questions: mental illness? never appeared the case. my friend always described her as the center of his world and how much he loves her. alcoholism? aside from a drink or two provided by him, at every function i saw her manage not only their kids but everyone's kids. it was a bit of a running joke that 'entertainment' didnt need to be hired if she was coming. she kept all the kids pretty busy and they loved her. sexual abuse? from her son? no. ive never gotten a weird vibe from him. helpful, smart, funny and usually assumed the role of a server whenever we all got together. a really sweet young man.

my friend always described her to be everything to him. he never complained about her capabilities to care for children and i certainly witnessed that capability. he always talked her up to be incredible. i dont know what my friend is about to do if he hasnt already. it concerns me i feel stuck. and i feel sick.

i guess im asking what will happen to her if he does do something stupid. will the kids be taken from her and will she be investigated? criminally? civilly? i think this is wrong but struggle with what he implied earlier today. havent seen him since and im kinda glad. what will happen to the boy's future if hes charged criminally for a bogus offense? he wants to be a lawyer.

is any of this allowed in family law? what are the laws? more importantly what are the holes in the law if hes planning on strategically basing his case on these types of accusations to avoid support obligations? how can i talk him out of it if i heard him right? i dont know if hes implemented any action but i am truly left with a chilling sense. why would i as a long-time friend encourage reasonable mediation if i suspect underhanded maneuvers to get her to agree to 20 access.

will she be robbed of the 3 little kids until this settles? what is she up against? do i have to listen to my friend and support what i think he'll do when i dont see a basis for it? based on my own experience growing up i cant think that this will be good for those 3 little girls.
Respectfully, stay out of it. It isn't your fight. Be a friend and supportive, but don't get involved. Make sure she has a competent lawyer.

You or I can't predict how it will play out. Accusations of this type would normally go to the CAS for investigation. They will determine whether or not there are any issues to risk custody.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 05:53 PM
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Yeah...on being a friend and being supportive: not at all sure that I could - or would even want to - be friends with someone who would participate in this kind of thing.

Tell him how you feel and what you really think of what he's doing and then stay out of it. If this is a 'friend' you're dating....you may want to consider if this is the type of person you really want to be around.
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Old 10-22-2014, 06:38 PM
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If you really want to know who someone is...watch them go through a divorce.

Your friend sounds like a giant ass and I'd reconsider my friendship with him.

However, as far as their case goes if she has a competent lawyer, she'll most likely be fine. Judges hear this nasty, salacious nonsense every day. What matters is evidence...if he doesn't have any, its not going to come to much. She may end up with some stress and a bigger legal bill than necessary but she'll probably be fine.

Ultimately, there's nothing you can do anyway. I'd do my best to stay out of it.

If you talk to him, I'd advise him to be fair to the mother of his children. In the best case, she'll ignore him and it won't get him anywhere and if she retaliates, it could get messy and expensive for both of them and that's always bad for the kids. Also tell him to consider what happens after the divorce is over. If he attacks her in this way now, how easy is it going to be for a custody evaluator to suggest co-parenting? And if they do, how much conflict will they have in trying to co-parent? If you friend had any sense of decency, he'd be fair and consider the needs of his children....not his need for vengeance. So many parents don't consider what happens after the divorce order is signed.

If you ever talk to her, the only thing I'd say to her is congratulations. Sounds like she's getting rid of a real piece of crap.
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