Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > General Chat

General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2016, 05:50 PM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,143
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Yes, I am learning to ignore. It is very difficult when someone is constantly hurling horrible names and accusations at you, sometimes in front of 3 young children. Or in my face threatening me. It`s really crappy.
It is impossible that a guy cheats on you and then (ALL) your family welcomes him into their homes AND he is bitter and angry with you (and NOT vice versa).

All the symptoms indicate you were a crappy person.

C'mon, I might have once been married but I'm not that stupid.

Now I'll contribute positively...

I did have a couple of family members that tried to keep a positive relation with my ex "for the kids". I told them step the f*** away and I that expect their unquestionable support and that I will handle my ex and my kids.

I told them they can do what they like but that I was hurt they would keep any sort of relationship with my tramp ex-wife. That was pretty much the end of it. Everybody else in my family thinks my ex-wife is a psycho...

Balls on the table
Reply With Quote
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2016, 07:20 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,961
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

You might be surprised by reaction of some people close to you.

It is helpful to know that many people are simply afraid of what has happened to you happening to them.

I'd recommend not pushing "your version" of events on anyone. In time, if people want to know they will ask you and you can decide whether or not to share this very personal tragic part of your life with them.

In the end you will know who your true friends are. Don't expect it to happen overnight.
Reply With Quote
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2016, 07:56 PM
mcdreamy's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,414
mcdreamy is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by magic3 View Post
we are in an ugly phase of our impending divorce right now - conflict is high, verbal abuse, sarcasm, intimidation, etc.
As you can see, some never mature enough to move past the abuse, sarcasm and intimidation. Unfortunately for them, their bitterness will narrow and darken their perspective of the world for many, many years – Gollum style.

There really are no ‘sides’ for the children. You have an opportunity both for yourself, and for the children, to try to move past some of your hurt and anger that we all encounter in a separation/divorce, by focusing on the children.

Their relationship with their family as a whole, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., is what supports them as they grow up, and keeping those lines of communication for your ex and your family is not harmful to you (although I can appreciate, you would feel hurt initially).

For the first 2-3 years post separation, my ex and I tried to continue the kidlet’s normal pattern on holidays with attending at both family gatherings, as we typically would have as a couple. I encouraged my siblings to invite and include our kidlet rather than I (and in turn, the ex and his partner) to my family holiday gatherings when she was not with me – I would rather her be there with her cousins, etc., than I [and really, aren’t they, for the most part, dull anyway?]

You are going to have years of holidays in your future where the kidlets will be with your ex, and wouldn’t it be comfortable for them, if they knew they were welcome at all households?

I can assure you, eventually it gets awkward for both families, and for the 3 of us, it changed into our exchanging kidlet on most of the holiday weekend events irrespective of the schedule, so she could participate in his family holiday gatherings and in mine – but that takes a certain level of advance scheduling of turkeys and mutual agreement that you can’t be expected to have coming out of the gate.

You will get there, if you don’t Gollum
Reply With Quote
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2016, 08:20 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,241
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

I feel for you. My parents basically betrayed me with my first ex-husband. When we were dating (I was still living at home) He wasn't welcomed on the property and my parents did everything to keep us apart. I moved out to live with him and he wasn't welcome at Christmas etc at my parents. When we were getting married on the wedding day my dad offered to buy me a new car not to go through with it.

They saw the bruises on me when he beat me. They were constantly telling me to leave him and actually were looking into apartments for me behind my back.

Flash forward..when he and I split then they were his best buddies. He was bringing his new girlfriends over to my parents. He and they exchanged Christmas gifts and they even helped him move from where he was boarding after the separation to another town and hour away with a new gf.

When I questioned them about it my dad said they couldn't force him to leave the property. Hmm when he and I dated my dad grabbed him by the hair and forced him off the property physically.

I never felt so hurt and betrayed by my parents and that changed my relationship with them forever.

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 04-14-2016 at 08:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2016, 11:24 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,245
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
I did have a couple of family members that tried to keep a positive relation with my ex "for the kids". I told them step the f*** away and I that expect their unquestionable support and that I will handle my ex and my kids.

I told them they can do what they like but that I was hurt they would keep any sort of relationship with my tramp ex-wife. That was pretty much the end of it. Everybody else in my family thinks my ex-wife is a psycho...

Balls on the table
This! Anyone who isn't 100% in your corner against someone who cheated on you, lied to you and is threatening you and making the divorce difficult needs to be out of your life right now.

Since they're family, give them a warning that they may not realize that he's lying to them, but he is, and he is treating you horribly, and for your own emotional recovery, you're going to have to distance yourself from them if they're still friendly with him. You just can't be close to someone who would overlook or forgive his crappy behaviour.
Reply With Quote
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2016, 09:37 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 228
PeacefulMoments is on a distinguished road
Default

I could be way off base but if the two of you have had a rocky relationship lately with talks of breaking up and then staying together, perhaps they just don't want to burn their bridges in case the two of you were to patch things up. It could be awkward if they "trash talk" and then you two are a couple again. Don't know if this is the case, just trying to think of a different perspective.

At any rate, I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time now and hope things get better.
Reply With Quote
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 04-18-2016, 11:23 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

Divorce is all about learning (over and over) that you can't control what other people do, and that includes your family and friends. If you let yourself fixate too much on their behavior and how betrayed you feel, you're in danger of "Golluming out", as mcdreamy puts it.

But even though you can't stop them from associating with your ex, you can decide how YOU are going to respond to this situation. Maybe it's time to distance yourself from the people who continue to make him welcome.

I can say from experience that people act really weirdly around divorce. I was dropped abruptly by a couple of close friends around the time I split with ex - very hurt by it at the time, but have now learned that those couples were having problems themselves and my divorce was just too close to home for them.

I can also sympathize with the position of divorcing someone who is the "golden boy" on the outside, but a nutbar on the inside. You don't want to drag your dirty laundry all over town, but you also wish people had some idea of what this person was really like.
Reply With Quote
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2016, 11:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 76
magic3 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thank you. It's all very helpful.
Reply With Quote
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2016, 11:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 76
magic3 is on a distinguished road
Default

PeacefulMoments - no talk of getting back together. Although we were able to spend family time together the first 9 months of the separation with little to no drama. The shit hit the fan when I pressed for an agreement this past Fall. It's been dramatic, tense and all around shitty for everyone since then.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:31 AM.