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Old 04-14-2016, 02:51 PM
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Default Loyalties

A little question about loyalties when a couple splits.. we are in an ugly phase of our impending divorce right now - conflict is high, verbal abuse, sarcasm, intimidation, etc. Ninety percent of it is STBX towards me. My family and friends know a little about it, but I try not to be too disparaging and gossipy, but I also need support.
So, both my bro and SIL, and my cousins, have both said that my STBX is always welcome in their home. Although I don't forward every nasty text (or any for that matter) to my family or describe our dramatic encounters, they know it's messy and miserable right now. I know they are doing/saying this for the kids, but is there some expectation that family will be on my 'side', at the very least until the dust settles? Is it too much to ask? Wouldn't it be supportive for them to align a bit with me, especially since they didn't even have a relationship with my ex in the first place, other than at family events? Any insight would be helpful.
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:06 PM
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Perhaps you are being too sensitive. As you said they are saying stbx Is welcome to their homes perhaps for the kids sake. But in reality they know once all is settled she will not " drop by " for any of your family events.
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:09 PM
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It's him towards me. I'm the 'she'.
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Old 04-14-2016, 03:28 PM
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A lot of family members dont want to get involved or want to remain neutral. Its understandable. If push came to shove they would stand by you but they want to avoid the conflict. I wouldnt take it to heart. Right now things are difficult and it seems like they arent with you. They are probably trying to understand themselves and figure out how best to keep the situation positive for the kids.

As for your stbx, try to keep a level head, ignore, smile and nod while swearing in your head and chalk all negative responses up to crazy. Youll get through this!
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Old 04-14-2016, 04:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magic3 View Post
It's him towards me. I'm the 'she'.
Sorry. Hard to figure that out sometimes.
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Old 04-14-2016, 04:52 PM
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Well now that that's out of the way.....

No, your family does not have to choose "your side". Perhaps they recognize that, as adults, they are free to make their own choices, and there really shouldn't be any "sides" in divorce. It just is.

Your expectations are unreasonable, you cannot expect people to feel what you feel - especially given they likely recognize you are very biased. Your family should be just that - family. If you need a place to vent and get help in dealing with things, get a therapist. Often times in divorce, family and friends drift away because they get tired of the drama, venting and having to hear about it all of the time. Don't use your children or family as therapist, stop expecting people to choose sides, and don't hold it against them if they refuse to choose sides because they choose to be less judgmental and more open minded.
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Old 04-14-2016, 04:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Well now that that's out of the way.....

No, your family does not have to choose "your side". Perhaps they recognize that, as adults, they are free to make their own choices, and there really shouldn't be any "sides" in divorce. It just is.

Your expectations are unreasonable, you cannot expect people to feel what you feel - especially given they likely recognize you are very biased. Your family should be just that - family. If you need a place to vent and get help in dealing with things, get a therapist. Often times in divorce, family and friends drift away because they get tired of the drama, venting and having to hear about it all of the time. Don't use your children or family as therapist, stop expecting people to choose sides, and don't hold it against them if they refuse to choose sides because they choose to be less judgmental and more open minded.
Thanks. Obviously the whole process would be way easier if I had no bias
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Old 04-14-2016, 05:01 PM
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Indeed.

You may find that one of the most effective ways of dealing with a high conflict person is to respond with apathy - or not at all. They will escalate briefly attempting to get a response, if you consistently do not respond with what they are looking for, they will eventually get bored and hopefully eventually stop.
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Old 04-14-2016, 05:03 PM
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Yes, I am learning to ignore. It is very difficult when someone is constantly hurling horrible names and accusations at you, sometimes in front of 3 young children. Or in my face threatening me. It`s really crappy.
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Old 04-14-2016, 05:04 PM
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It is, but as the saying goes "don't feed the trolls..."

I'm sure Links would agree.
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