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Old 02-19-2013, 12:24 AM
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Starting a new job tomorrow.

Unfortunately, the first three months will be training on the afternoon shift. So for the next 3 months I am regulated to only EOW to see the boy. Can't spend Tuesday nights with him if I have to be at work.

So things get a little better for me, and also a little worse.

I would ask for a day on my off weekend for the boy to see me, but I already know the answer. There's no point in even asking.

And of course, the nuttiness never stops from that end.

OPP called here again on Sunday. It seems the ex didn't like the fact that I dropped the boy off to her house when the '3rd party' wasn't home to take him. Tried to have me charged with trespassing.
Ridiculous.

I would never do this, but if you ask me, ten years of all this BS from her is probably equivalent on a 'scale of violence' to me just hauling off and decking her one day.

Of course you can't be charged for the 'violence' of refusing access, telling the child DAD doesn't love him, accusing DAD of sexually assaulting child, and more.

But you sure can get charged for smashing someone in the face.

There should be a '1 free hit for 10 years of BS' rule.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:10 AM
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Good luck with the new employment! :-)

I think if it was me in this scenario, I would still put some offers out there in writing, to try and accomodate some extra time with your boy. Sounds like your ex will not go with any of them, but then you have in writing, you trying to be reasonable, and trying to accomodate your changed employment schedule (which happens all the time, with parents). Then it doesn't look like you gave up access, but instead, are trying to accomodate your changed work schedule. If she wanted to look reasonable, she could easily switch your Tuesday night, to a Tuesday morning, or other morning, when you are not working.

Your ex, will likely not go along with it, since she sounds like a nutcase, and will ignore the fact, that employment is in your child's best interests, because you obviously probably pay child support for your boy as well... but I think you would want to try. Then if she's adamant against it, you have more in writing, and hopefully, it's short term (once your training is done).
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Old 02-19-2013, 12:59 PM
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I agree that you should put it in writing that you want to work with your new schedule. If she refuses you can't do much but it's a good paper trail.

I also would probably not post comments about a threat of violence especially since she seems very willing to call the cops. If she were to find this comment and prove it was you, you might be in some deep trouble.

Good luck.
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Old 02-19-2013, 01:54 PM
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I've been down the charged with 'uttering threats' road with her before.
I'm pretty careful with how I word things these days, as a result.

I can appreciate what you're saying FB_. But there is no threat here, only wistful thinking. And quite frankly, we're only at about the 6 year mark - so under that scenario she would have 4 more years to figure it out before the desired 'rule' would kick in.

You both make a valid point about at least asking, however. I will do so.

Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-19-2013 at 02:00 PM.
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Old 02-19-2013, 03:59 PM
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I would ask...you won't get, what you never ask for. ;-)

Given your past posts here, it sounds like your requests will fall on deaf ears but it's good to have the requests in writing, documented, to show you're still trying to make sure your son gets his time with Dad as well.

Otherwise, I'm sure after 3 months has past, then Mom will claim you haven't tried seeing him, or can't be bothered.
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretchedotis View Post
I would ask for a day on my off weekend for the boy to see me, but I already know the answer. There's no point in even asking.
Does your current schedule include Sunday overnights on your alternating weekends?

If not, then you could ask her:

"My change in circumstance (new employment) requires we update our agreement/order to reflect my new working hours. Now that I have to work during the week, are you able to be with our child every Tuesday? To reflect this change, I would like to update the schedule to include Sunday overnights to keep consistant the time our child spends with both parents."

Very reasonable, you lose Tue night and gain Sunday night, hey even ask that she gives up her Sun night too and provides the kid to you Sunday before 5pm or something.

Of course she won't agree, but document so that when you go to court it is a perfect example of her inability to be flexible due to a real change in circumstance.
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Old 02-19-2013, 09:55 PM
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Otis,

I am confused and might be remembering wrong here;

Doesn't your order state third party drop off and pick up?

Is there a restraining order in effect?

If either of the above is true, you should not be surprised the police contacted you.

I hope it gets better and apologies if I am remembering it wrong.
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:14 PM
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Good Luck with the new job. If/when the "3rd party" is unavailable there needs to be a written/agreed contingency plan. Whether that's through a P.O. OR otherwise (iDK your details) - there must be a plan in place, or this matter of the cops showing up/calling is going to repeat itself.

As your son gets a liitle older, it won't always be this difficult.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:15 PM
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This training stuff is temporary? Do you know what shift you'll end up with afterwards, and if further rescheduling would be necessary?

And do you have a Right of First Refusal clause in your agreement? You are technically responsible for the child on your time, and just because your work schedule is different, doesn't mean that the other parent now has to pick up your slack. I think a mistake I see around here is that sometimes the parent with less access tends to just choose not to take the child if they are unable to, as though their precious time is a choice. Really, what you should do is make arrangements for the child to be picked up as normal and cared for in your absence, the same as the parent with more access would if their schedule changed.

My advice would be to assume the ex will be reasonable (even if you expect otherwise!) and send an email explaining that your new job has training, and offering your ex the opportunity to have that evening back during the training period, in exchange for you taking the child at a different time instead, or perhaps extending your normal weekend. Sweeten the deal by letting her choose the day. That way it's clear you consider the arrangement temporary and that your normal schedule will revert after training is done, that you would like to maintain the same amount of time with the child overall, that you are flexible to her needs for the day chosen, and that you consider it best that the child be with a parent instead of in care. However, should she be unreasonable and refuse, I would make arrangements for the child to be picked up during your normal time. That way you show that, like any normal parent with full access, you make childcare arrangements for the child while you must work. And maybe you can even spend dinner break with him.

No matter what your ex responds with, you have a bit of a win; either she agrees and makes the switch you desire, or she refuses, and you have a paper trail of her being unreasonable and uncooperative for use next time you are in court.

But you never know, she may also have something she schedules for that rare night without the kid, and can't look after him either. The assuming that she doesn't have anything going on and will pick up your slack is basically admitting that she is the primary parent while you get to come and go as you please.

Last edited by Rioe; 02-19-2013 at 11:20 PM.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMy View Post
Otis,

I am confused and might be remembering wrong here;

Doesn't your order state third party drop off and pick up?

Is there a restraining order in effect?

If either of the above is true, you should not be surprised the police contacted you.

I hope it gets better and apologies if I am remembering it wrong.
Our Family Law Order states 3rd party. It was so Ordered when I was under conditions via Peace Bond. (this was the result of being charged with 'uttering threats'.) The Peace Bond has expired, and the Order should be updated to reflect that. She'll never agree to that, however.

And quite frankly, she has real issues if me letting the boy out of the car across the street from her house and watching to make sure he walks in the front door is a problem for her. Persoanlly don't give a flying eff about her 'sensabilities' on the subject.

I made an executive decision to not drive the boy an hour and half back to my place, and making her come get him. I mean really, what are my options if the 3rd party forgot and has gone shopping or whatever?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canadaguy View Post
Does your current schedule include Sunday overnights on your alternating weekends?

If not, then you could ask her:

"My change in circumstance (new employment) requires we update our agreement/order to reflect my new working hours. Now that I have to work during the week, are you able to be with our child every Tuesday? To reflect this change, I would like to update the schedule to include Sunday overnights to keep consistant the time our child spends with both parents."

Very reasonable, you lose Tue night and gain Sunday night, hey even ask that she gives up her Sun night too and provides the kid to you Sunday before 5pm or something.

Of course she won't agree, but document so that when you go to court it is a perfect example of her inability to be flexible due to a real change in circumstance.
This isn't the first time my schedule changed due to employment. The last time she outright refused to switch - so I filed at court again. Only when Legal Aid refused her, did she decide it was ok to switch - and settled on the matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
Good Luck with the new job. If/when the "3rd party" is unavailable there needs to be a written/agreed contingency plan. Whether that's through a P.O. OR otherwise (iDK your details) - there must be a plan in place, or this matter of the cops showing up/calling is going to repeat itself.

As your son gets a liitle older, it won't always be this difficult.
Exactly. A plan. Getting her to even speak to me is pulling teeth, however. I swear 4 out of 5 emails just go completely ignored.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
This training stuff is temporary? Do you know what shift you'll end up with afterwards, and if further rescheduling would be necessary?

And do you have a Right of First Refusal clause in your agreement? You are technically responsible for the child on your time, and just because your work schedule is different, doesn't mean that the other parent now has to pick up your slack. I think a mistake I see around here is that sometimes the parent with less access tends to just choose not to take the child if they are unable to, as though their precious time is a choice. Really, what you should do is make arrangements for the child to be picked up as normal and cared for in your absence, the same as the parent with more access would if their schedule changed.

My advice would be to assume the ex will be reasonable (even if you expect otherwise!) and send an email explaining that your new job has training, and offering your ex the opportunity to have that evening back during the training period, in exchange for you taking the child at a different time instead, or perhaps extending your normal weekend. Sweeten the deal by letting her choose the day. That way it's clear you consider the arrangement temporary and that your normal schedule will revert after training is done, that you would like to maintain the same amount of time with the child overall, that you are flexible to her needs for the day chosen, and that you consider it best that the child be with a parent instead of in care. However, should she be unreasonable and refuse, I would make arrangements for the child to be picked up during your normal time. That way you show that, like any normal parent with full access, you make childcare arrangements for the child while you must work. And maybe you can even spend dinner break with him.

No matter what your ex responds with, you have a bit of a win; either she agrees and makes the switch you desire, or she refuses, and you have a paper trail of her being unreasonable and uncooperative for use next time you are in court.

But you never know, she may also have something she schedules for that rare night without the kid, and can't look after him either. The assuming that she doesn't have anything going on and will pick up your slack is basically admitting that she is the primary parent while you get to come and go as you please.
This is part of the problem. Training is temporary, and then I will be put on rotating shifts (2 week periods of days then nights then afternoons.)
At this point I have no idea which shift I will be put on - so it is difficult to look forward and pass on solid information.

Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-20-2013 at 12:22 AM.
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