Kids starting school

[formyGirls]

Again, my ex is unreal....

We have two young kids starting school tomorrow. The youngest is her first day EVER!!! They are both very excited to start tomorrow

Over the last few weeks, the ex (who has temporary sole custody) has flip flopped on which school our children are going to, and hasn't said a peep about it to me (my oldest mentioned she was changing schools).

So I write a nice email, saying how nice it was to see the kids so excited for school, and that I would like to be there for the first drop off, and meet the teacher, etc.. The usual first day stuff. I did this with our oldest before separation, but now the ex is resisting.

Our divorce is filled with nasty allegations on her part, and she is spitting fire in every other email, even two years later after separation. Her first reaction, time and time again, is to do what she wants and forget about the reaction of our kids. Sometimes she smartens up and sees what is best for the kids, sometimes not. (The kids and I missed our one week summer vacation because "originally she volunteered it, and as such maintained the right to change her mind")

Not being one to push her buttons unnecessarily, I guess I am calling the school in the morning to find out what time to be there. She will likely get upset about it, but I remember from being a kid starting school, how cool it was when my dad could make it to school events (until I realized how un-cool it was when I got older )

Her last words on this matter.... "Your access time ended on Sunday at XX:00 pm and resumes in 12 days...".

Unreal.

So in my typical high conflict style <sarcasm>, I will be at the school tomorrow anyhow, and wish the kids well. I just hope it won't turn into a skirmish on her part, or she makes a scene, etc...

And just covering my butt.... has anyone here EVER heard about access being that restrictive that I can't even stop by and wish the kids a good day at school? There are absolutely no separation anxiety issues that would get in the way. My temporary access order just says "from xx time Friday to xx time Sunday, Eow, starting xx day".

[wretchedotis]

When its not your time, its not your time. She can make a big deal about you being there. I don't know what the result will be - but I could see the police cautioning you to stay away when its not your time. Depends on how big a deal she makes it.

I'm not sure what you plan on doing is such a good idea.
If you follow through with it - make sure you are on your best behaviour and no matter what don't get angry/excited. Calm and cool is your friend.

[May_May]

Do you have someone you can bring with you as well to help ensure you stay calm, and to pull you away from the situation if she starts to cause a scene ? (grandparent?)

She should not be doing this ! It's not correct. I have our 2 boys this week, and called my stbx Sun night (after exchange) to see if he wants me to pick him up on the way so he can be there as well (He said no, which is a shame). These type of events should be accompanied by both parents. This is for the children.

Good luck if you go ! Drink decaf in the morning...

[billm]

Go to the school and be there for their first day. It is obvious that access is about being responsible for the kids, and how they are cared for, not for restricting access to the other parent.

But be smart about it to minimize any conflict with her (ie none!).

The police cannot tell you not to be there, nor will they caution you, that would be ridiculous.

I can't believe that she would think that she has a say in whether you are there, and also it is clear that it is best for the kids you are both there, assuming you can both be civil and child focused.

I'm not sure if you should tell her nicely that you will be there, or if you should just show up (probably the latter). It truly is none of her business if you want to be in a public place to see your kids. Just stand where all the other kids are lined up - it would be impossible for her to interfere and not look like the ass that she (apparently) is.

[Mess]

Originally Posted by wretchedotis

When its not your time, its not your time. She can make a big deal about you being there. I don't know what the result will be - but I could see the police cautioning you to stay away when its not your time. Depends on how big a deal she makes it.

This isn't true. The Family Law Act doesn't have anything to say about this, and there is no consistant trial decision to base it on.

If there was conflict it would be decided on a case by case basis, there is no black and white answer.

It's very common for both parents to attend doctor and dentist visits, sports practices and competitions, music recitals, graduation ceremonies. If a child was having an operation, in most cases both parents would attend at the hospital. This has nothing to do with who's access day it is. It is in the best interest of the child for both parents to be involved where possible.

Moreover in this circumstance there is no restriction on either parent from attending the school at any time and speaking with the teacher or principal. This has nothing to do with who's access time it is.

I'd also say that in general it's a good idea to gently assert yourself in situtions like this, because if you cave in to an antagnistic parent then you end up getting locked out by instance after instance. That parent will then turn around and claim you are not involved with the child's schooling etc. as a claim for full custody.

[iceberg]

How in the blue hell did she manage to get temp sole custody?

Anyway, is the younger kid going to grade 1 or preschool. You said it is her first day of school so it must be preschool or kindergarten right? Or she skipped playschool and KG?

But first day or not, like mess said, if you do not show up you may be labeled as "not caring dad". I mean it is first day of school and kids would feel great when both parents are present. IMO you can attend because your ex won't scream at you to leave because you have a whole school as a witness of what kind of parent she is.

[formyGirls]

I'm not worried about staying calm and avoiding the conflict .... it's her I am worried about.

I just don't see how the first day drop off is any different than any other school event. I have gone to Christmas concerts and school plays in the past, "Dad's day", and whatever events I can get to. Very rarely does the ex let me know about what is coming up. More often, I look at the school calendar online, or my 8 year old is mentioning the event and asking me to attend.

This is not one on one time. This is not taking away from her parenting time. It is about supporting your kids and letting them have the memories of growing up they should be allowed to have.

Twice in the past year, there have been school events on evenings of their very limited access periods with me. As per usual, I often find out these things the night before the access. Without a moment's hesitation, and both times finding out the night before, I changed our plans and made arrangements for our daughter to attend the events, so that both her mom and I could enjoy it. I wouldn't dream of telling her mom she shouldn't be there. As long as she doesn't sit beside me, who cares?

I have always tried to be careful with the language I use when communicating with the ex. It is never "my" access weekend... it is "the children's" access weekend. I remember coming across a passage from a judge, somewhere on CanLii (homework time - have to go back and find it!), where the judge stated along the lines that access time is not a right of either parent, it is a right of the children to have access to both parents.

So be careful in all your affidavits, motions, conference briefs, etc.... maybe some extra careful language will win you a few brownie points one day

Again, I appreciate all your opinions. I am trying to look at things from her perspective, and try to see why she wouldn't want me there. Other than personal reasons, I don't see the issue. Am I missing something? Am I really stepping on her "toes" by meeting the teacher and all that stuff (I do legally have access to the teachers and report cards and everything). It would be a lot easier for me tomorrow to not go - I am taking time off work to do it. And despite what some might think, I'm not doing it to piss off the ex. It would just be nice for my youngest especially, on her first day of school, to be able to share that with both my ex and myself. If I am missing something, please feel free to hit me with it!

Thanks

[iceberg]

Originally Posted by Mess

Moreover in this circumstance there is no restriction on either parent from attending the school at any time and speaking with the teacher or principal. This has nothing to do with who's access time it is.

Since his ex has sole custody she lists names of the people who can pick up the kids or get info about them. If she doesn't put his name the teachers will just say ...ummm..who are you...your name is not on the list

[formyGirls]

Originally Posted by iceberg

Since his ex has sole custody she lists names of the people who can pick up the kids or get info about them. If she doesn't put his name the teachers will just say ...ummm..who are you...your name is not on the list

Yep, been there, lived through that.

I am under an undertaking right now (false allegation of uttering threats - whoooooole other story and reason to rant, lol). I can't communicate directly/ indirectly or go to her house. And have to use a third party to arrange access.

My ex jumped all over it. She told the school I can't pick up the kids there anymore due to police charges. Whole other story and don't want to hijack my own thread, lol!

Suffice to say, though, the school knows who I am. But I have always been 100% pleasant and calm and polite, even the first day after being charged and they wouldn't let me pick up my kids for their access.

[Tayken]

Originally Posted by wretchedotis

When its not your time, its not your time. She can make a big deal about you being there. I don't know what the result will be - but I could see the police cautioning you to stay away when its not your time. Depends on how big a deal she makes it.

I'm not sure what you plan on doing is such a good idea.
If you follow through with it - make sure you are on your best behaviour and no matter what don't get angry/excited. Calm and cool is your friend.

Wretchedotis is 100% correct.

By the way your idea is standard high-conflict parenting 101 stuff straight out of "Shared Parenting with a Jerk" (book). If you want the other parent to respect your day-to-day autoimmunity when your children are with you... You are going to have to do the same.

It is unfortunate that the first day of school falls on custodial time with the other parent but, the moon will not fall out of the sky if you are not there. Do you really want to have this kind of conflict in the proceedings?

What benefit is it to your children if you put yourself (and them!) in a high-conflict situation? What does it demonstrate to the school too?

I would take Wretchedotis' advice and stay clear of the first day of school.

Good Luck!
Tayken