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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 12:51 PM
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It's not reasonable at all. I can't think of a worse parenting move than showing an adolescent sexually explicit material about her mother. Remember, at age 16 they will be beginning to explore their own sexuality, and they really don't need that mixed up with unwanted details of their parents' sex lives. All they need to know is that you got divorced because your relationship wasn't working out. Telling them the sordid details is about getting revenge on your ex, not about parenting your kids.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 02:29 PM
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I can see how it might seem like an almost reasonable thing to do (telling them the truth at a later age) but you really are only hurting the kids and their potential for a meaningful relationship with their mother. As much as I despise what my ex did and how she handled herself I realized letting my kids in on the truth is really just a spiteful act and sinking to a lower level of parenting. Take the high road when you have the choice
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Old 03-02-2016, 03:31 PM
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I think the truth is important.
I also think that telling the will only happen when it is age appropriate, maybe 24, maybe 16... it depends.

I wouldn't show them naked pictures of their mom (like gross...). The messages I would show be just the "I love you - you're my soulmate" blah blah... Also her indiscretions with our close family friends which resulted in my kids losing their close friends...

It isn't revenge - revenge would have been sending all this stuff to her entire family and our common friends.... I come from a conservative community she would have been ruined (she sort of is anyways...). I'm all done with revenge the guy she was sexting was taken hostage and killed under a bridge so I think cosmically I'm settled...

My children have a right to know why their lives were turned upside down and I want them to not blame me at all.

So by showing them that their mom is a cheating whore (versus a person who just wanted out and asked for a divorce) a long with all the other terrible things she has done - I get to clear my name. Since the seperation she has been trashing me to the kids about how I was a bad husband etc...

There was nothing wrong with the marriage perse, my ex was/is just ridiculously unreasonable and expects/ed me to just comply with her orders. We were pretty much a power couple and were even on TV for that matter... regardless she is free to terminate the relationship but she can't blame me for it and expect to me just go along with it.... I'm not a sheep
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Old 03-02-2016, 03:43 PM
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Then there will be no need for you to say anything to your kids. They will be able to see it themselves as they get older. You are in their lives and they spend quality time with you and they see you for who you are. There is no need for you to say anything to them about this stuff.

Kids do learn in time. I did, my partners oldest is starting to. My friends who grew up with divorced parents do. Other kids who have intact families see their parents for who they are.

Dont be that person. Its not worth it.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 04:27 PM
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Talking about a decision I will make in 10 years + is pointless, I haven't decided yet but I think cheaters should be punished by society (including friends and family) for cheating even though the law gives them a free pass. It is a good deterrent for future cheaters...
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Old 03-02-2016, 05:17 PM
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Still nothing to be gained by telling the kids her every sin. It doesn't help the kids in any way, and it really doesn't help you either. If you honestly believe you are completely blameless then you don't need anyone else's validation.

Show your kids you are a good person by your actions, which include not trashing other people, especially their mom.

If there are direct, unprompted questions when they are mature adults, you can give a brief statement like she made some poor decisions which were not acceptable to my standards and so we split. You do not have to go into the gory details.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 05:37 PM
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If I was a teenager or a young adult and my father decided to tell me details of my mother's adulterous sex life, I wouldn't think "Now I understand! Of course my dad was right to leave her because she was a cheating whore! So happy he has cleared this up!". I would think "They're BOTH losers - her for cheating, him for trying to manipulate me into hating her". What happened in your marriage is between you and your ex - the kids deserve to be left out of it.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
If I was a teenager or a young adult and my father decided to tell me details of my mother's adulterous sex life, I wouldn't think "Now I understand! Of course my dad was right to leave her because she was a cheating whore! So happy he has cleared this up!". I would think "They're BOTH losers - her for cheating, him for trying to manipulate me into hating her". What happened in your marriage is between you and your ex - the kids deserve to be left out of it.

My siblings and I all know why my parents split. Even with all the crap my mother told us. We know her crazy added to it. What makes me really nuts is how they both still cant let it go. They make comments about the other, they play stupid poor me games, theyre just complete a-holes. As my one sister said "we get it, you dont like each other, stop making us dislike you more for pointing it out".

That said, I have told my partner he needs to tell his kids the truth when they're old enough in his situation. His ex has told them he left them, he chose to go away, he was the one to make the decision. She forgot to mention she had him dumped in a shelter after he was released from the hospital and he filed for divorce after living in his car because she wouldn't let him back in the house.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 09:04 PM
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Frankly, I think it is unreasonable to not tell my kids in the future that I left my ex for cheating and explaining to them briefly that it was with a close family friend + her cousin via sexting from next to my daughter while she slept. Even today they have asked me many times to tell me the reason but I tell them it is "Adult stuff"

I agree I don't need to go into details but just to set the record straight and let my kids know that we didn't get divorced because of a stupid reason like "we argued" or something....

Also keep in mind, my ex is about to go on welfare (or god forbid get a job) she is going to rack up them pity points and I don't want anybody feeling sorry for her so I will be definitely conducting a defensive PR campaign with friends etc... explaining why she is on welfare (her own stupidity). I have noticed my kids are starting to feel sorry for her and she is guilting them into certain things... need to nip that in the bud. No mercy . In ten years, if I am really well off and she is in a homeless shelter I need to make sure my kids understand she did it to herself.

Also, while I am not blameless - I don't take much responsibility for the divorce which is hurting my kids immensely (the saddest thing in their lives no doubt....)... and I am sad they are hurting so much and its mostly due to my ex-wife's selfish stupidity...

Stripes, sounds like you cheated on your husband...

Last edited by Links17; 03-02-2016 at 09:08 PM.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 03-02-2016, 11:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post

Stripes, sounds like you cheated on your husband...
Um, no. The other way around, actually. And that is one of many issues Kid will never hear about from me.

(And to be honest, I don't really care about "setting the story straight" and making sure Kid knows who was the good guy and who was the bad guy, who has the halo and who has the little devil horns. She is smart, she will form her own opinions of her parents).
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