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Old 08-31-2011, 02:21 PM
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Default I Just don't get it!!

I have a bit of a rant here.. I am currently separated almost 4 years, I have 3 children living with me. My ex does pay spousal and child support.My kids are older 19,17 and 15. He does pay for my sons university education, I did offer to pay some of it but he wanted to claim it on his taxes so he declined my offer. We were married or almost 18 years, in those 18 years he physically abused me and my children, threatened that if I ever left I would have nothing... the mental and verbal abuse were the worst(just a little insight). I had a separation agreement drawn up to which he changed everything n t and told me to sign or go to court and I would be broke (he makes a lot of money). Still living under fear I suppose and not wanting the fight or having the energy for it.

The agreement states ( the part he changed) that He would pay spousal for 8 years and child support until the kids were done school, I had originally asked for child support to be paid until the children were financially stable. Here is my rant, what gives him the right to cut his kids off once they are done school ??? these kids need to get into the workforce and start up their lives! so am I to kick out my kids because I cant afford to have them live with me?? if we were together he would still support his kids so what makes it different?? he would still pay the bills , pay for school and they would live at home until they could stand on their own!

It upsets me to no need when I read in these forums some peoples responses how they are getting "milked" for money, I don't understand if the marriage had not broken down would you still feel that way??? My children are left with many scars of abuse, I cannot afford a psychologist, the women's abuse clinic would help free of charge under the age of 16. I asked him to pay for it his reply.... he did nothing wrong! I am on medication for anxiety, panic disorder and depression that spells no job! No one wants to hire me when I fill out an application and include medical conditions ... no call back. He caused the break up of this family, I should have left years ago I should have left the first time he layed a hand on my children but I didn't because he had total control.

I still at times question if I have the strength to fight a court battle, I still look at my children and cry for all that they went through and are still trying to cope with. I am angered to no end nor will I ever have any peace that after all this, he just gets to walk away!!
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:25 PM
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Child support ends when the children have completed their first 4 years of post secondary education period. Unless they don't go, then it ends when they are 18. This is how child support works period. Should he help them financially after that it is between him and them and that is all. Seems to me like he is being very reasonable.
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:37 PM
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So what happens to my children once they are done school? The support ends and they are not in any way financially stable. That puts all of it on me to try and help them and support them financially until they get on their feet, yes it would be great if he continued to help them but who feeds them, keep the roof over their heads?? the responsibility solely lies on me, so he just gets to walk away and helps if he chose to. They are still his children and after all that he has put us all through he just walks away, it seems unjustified!!
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:46 PM
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Quote:
So what happens to my children once they are done school? The support ends and they are not in any way financially stable.
None of us were when we were done post secondary. It's called being an adult. Time to put on the big boy/big girl pants and find a job. Student loans can be deferred for up to 6 months post graduation.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by distraught View Post
So what happens to my children once they are done school? The support ends and they are not in any way financially stable. That puts all of it on me to try and help them and support them financially until they get on their feet, yes it would be great if he continued to help them but who feeds them, keep the roof over their heads?? the responsibility solely lies on me, so he just gets to walk away and helps if he chose to. They are still his children and after all that he has put us all through he just walks away, it seems unjustified!!
Based on your logic, I am 37 years old and still not financial stable. Should my parents still be paying me support?

Who determines what financially stable is? Your children, you or your ex because judging by your last sentence "They are still his children and after all that he has put us all through he just walks away, it seems unjustified!"? I feel sorry for him if its you that makes that decision.

You said if you were still married he would have to support them so why quit. Well I can also argue the opposite. If I were still with my ex...there aint a court in Canada that would force me to pay a portion of their post secondary education. Yet now that I am divorced, I am forced to. This also goes both ways.

I am pretty sure being on anti-depression meds and anxiety meds doesnt make you unemployable. Last I checked 30% of canada's population are on some kind of anti-depressents.

I would think that at age 24ish you would want your kids to spread their wings and fly. You cant have your ex supporting them forever.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:15 PM
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I agree they will not be children anymore... and consider this, children who has parents that have not separated do NOT have parents forced to pay for their education... While I think parents should do what they can for their children I am going to rant slightly that if you never separated he could have contributed nothing and told them to get student loans. He offered contribution, not really sure what the frustration is about!
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:25 PM
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Okay so once they are done school I will kick them out and tell them to just go "fly". I wasn't brought up that way , this man makes over $200,000 a year!! he under pays for spousal and child support oh sure he is reasonable it all works out for him! Regarding my medication, I am on 4 different meds for mental illness related issues, one being a relaxant and makes me drowsy so I am having a hard time finding employment. I have started a small home bases business so I can support my children and subsidies what he gives. My children do not need to get loans for school! their father makes what I stated and beyond in cash!! that he hides from the government. I guess posting here is just fueling my anger more .. sorry to have bothered any of you as you don't know the whole story and I would expect nothing more then the answers that I am being given. If we never separated he would be supporting the kids well into their fifty's if they were living at home we are not of the mind set to kick our children out or to stop helping them... that is a parents job, that is why we are here!
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:26 PM
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"He would pay spousal for 8 years" That's a lot more spousal than many exes would receive, especially when children are 15, 17 & 19 years old. Consider yourself extremely fortunate there.
"..and child support until the kids were done school," That's fairly standard. Unless your children have any disabilities that prevents them from working and becoming a contributing member of society. "Done school" means they are attending school full-time, whether it be high-school, college or university. Child support has to finish sometime.
"...what gives him the right to cut his kids off once they are done school ???" The law does. If you took your case to court over this, more than likely, the court would agree with him. Child support finishes when each child finishes school -- three to four years of un-interrupted post-secondary (depending on Judge and education being pursued), or at 18 when child finishes high-school and finds employment &/or moves out. This is how it is.
"...what happens to my children once they are done school?" They find employment. If they still live with you and don't have employment it will be tougher for a while. While you receiving spousal support, use the time to put your life back together and upgrade your skills so you can return to work. Don't leave it too long. Your children are teens. You will recover from this. You are stronger than you believe you are right now.
Good Luck.
You are correct. None of the people responding here know your entire story. If you want to kick your kids out once they've done school, that's up to you. I'm in the same situation as you. Our kids live with me and child support is finished when they are finished their education and it will be up to me to support them entirely until they become financially self-sufficient, even though I will no longer receive child support. You are not the first person to encounter such a situation and you won't be the last. Many of us here are in exactly the same place. We have no choice but to accept this is how things are and prepare for the future. Yes, it is difficult to accept the things exes will do that seem unreasonable to the one not being unreasonable (which is a matter of perspective).
I am empathetic (I feel your frustration), but the sooner you accept the situation, the sooner you can formulate a plan when child-support is over. Be strong -- we've all "been there and done that". You will survive and so will your kids.

Last edited by Epona; 08-31-2011 at 04:49 PM. Reason: Correcting mistakes and adding more
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by distraught View Post
So what happens to my children once they are done school?
They take care of themselves because they are (educated) adults. Simple. No wonder you're stressed out if these are the things you worry about years ahead of time!

If you want to put a roof over their heads and coddle them and pay their way at that time in their life, that is up to you, but that can't be forced on any parent to do that.

If he would have supported them until they were 50!! then why would divorce change that?? He is still the same guy - the point is that it is up to him how or if he wants to support his kids when they are adults, it is NOT up to you - stay out of it. Maybe the kids will just go live with him when they are adults.

Last edited by billm; 08-31-2011 at 04:33 PM.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:31 PM
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Thank you Epona for the kind words very much appreciated, I guess I just have to take it the best way life presents it.
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