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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 10:54 AM
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IMO you need to disengage and let your significant other deal with their ex. They aren't your ex, and you aren't party to the agreement.

My sister gets all involved in her husbands issues with his ex, and I see how it creates problems. My wife NEVER gets involved with my ex. It isn't her fight, nor her cross to bare. While she supports me, she never sends emails or anything of the like. She never communicates with my ex, save and except at events for my D8. Those sorts of things are my job as I have final say.

Your significant other needs to take a more involved role in this and you need to step back. Allowing yourself to get overly involved has obviously taken its toll. Let him deal with his ex. Support his decisions, give advice where you deem appropriate. But allow him to do his own emails.

This is his ex and his child, not yours. You shouldn't be stressing yourself out when he isn't.
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 11:08 AM
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I would reiterate some very good advice here.

I was involevd with someone last year who inserted herself into the process because she thought I was being too nice and thought I was being taken advantage of. It caused a great deal of friction and was one of the factors in our breakup.

In the end the same two people who were parties to the marriage have to be the ones who finish it.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 02:47 PM
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Frustrated:

I share the same sentiments as the other posters and I'm sorry for your situation.

One other thing though...your new partner may be anti-establishment but how good of an excuse is that to give up custody of your kid to a control freak. She also imputed him at 85% more than he earns and he let that happen too?

Now you're picking up the pieces both legally and financially for him...along with engaging in the conflict with his ex which he seems too passive to bother with?

Forgive me for sounding harsh..but honestly, what kind of guy is this? I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a new partner. And my new partner just divorced from a long marriage and I can tell you, I would NEVER use him in this way and vice versa. My divorce is mine to deal with and his was his. We console each other...we vent to each other...and we offer each other suggestions and ideas...but otherwise, he does not engage my ex or get involved in legalities, etc. Its not his place and its not yours.

Your primary obligation is to your own children and ensuring their emotional and financial future and this guy needs to handle his own business out of respect to you. It sounds like he's using you and it sounds like you're very kind and you're helping him to your own disadvantage. He needs to be a man and deal with this.

I can tell you...there's a reason that women like this act this way. Its because he's trained her that she CAN. He sounds like a wimp that she's used to walking all over. And you getting involved is like pouring gasoline on a fire, in my opinion.

Disengage because you're getting to the point where you're getting addicted to the drama and noise and that is not healthy for you or your children or your relationship. And do yourself a favor and tell your new guy to grow a pair.
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 05:18 PM
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Your partner needs to grow a set of balls. You cannot be his mommy and fight his battles for him.
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 08:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.
There IS an easy answer. Get out of the relationship. Honestly, from an outsider's perspective, what is it doing for you? His situation is draining your sanity and your bank account. You need to focus on yourself and your children, not this guy and his kid.

Stop the money train to him, let him sort out his own legal problems with his ex, and maybe once he's stable, see if a relationship with him works better once he has less baggage.

You are an adult, and so is he, and you both deserve a relationship of equals, not you telling him what to do and him expecting you to do all the work and pay all the costs, both emotional and monetary.

Again, this is an outsider's perspective, but you don't exactly paint him as a great catch. He has no money even though he didn't qualify for legal aid? He'd rather let his ex walk all over him than stand up for himself and his child? He's content to let you do all the work and reap the benefits of your increased stress? He doesn't believe in court and the 'establishment' even when he needs it working for him?

Or are you simply afraid to dump the guy already because of how much money you've spent down that drain already?

Last edited by Rioe; 08-19-2013 at 09:31 PM.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:16 PM
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Escalation of Committment
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2013, 12:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
There IS an easy answer. Get out of the relationship. Honestly, from an outsider's perspective, what is it doing for you? His situation is draining your sanity and your bank account. You need to focus on yourself and your children, not this guy and his kid.

Stop the money train to him, let him sort out his own legal problems with his ex, and maybe once he's stable, see if a relationship with him works better once he has less baggage.

You are an adult, and so is he, and you both deserve a relationship of equals, not you telling him what to do and him expecting you to do all the work and pay all the costs, both emotional and monetary.

Again, this is an outsider's perspective, but you don't exactly paint him as a great catch. He has no money even though he didn't qualify for legal aid? He'd rather let his ex walk all over him than stand up for himself and his child? He's content to let you do all the work and reap the benefits of your increased stress? He doesn't believe in court and the 'establishment' even when he needs it working for him?

Or are you simply afraid to dump the guy already because of how much money you've spent down that drain already?

TOUCH╔!

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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2013, 04:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
What happens to people often when they make a false allegation of abuse in a court proceeding. To avoid perjury or having their conduct determined as what it is and possibly having it impact the outcome of a court decision... The false allegations escalate and the person making them commits further in their false allegations - making more stories around their allegation... It is a vicious circle that quickly comes to an end when... the lies legs are too short to carry them any further...

Good Luck!
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2013, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Wow Mess...I think you nailed it.

But I cannot simply walk away now.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 08-20-2013, 07:14 PM
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Quote:
But I cannot simply walk away now.
lol...just a reminder...you're on a divorce forum.

Probably not the most sympathetic audience in which to deliver that statement.
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