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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2013, 10:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I have no real advice to offer just now, except that you be forewarned that most people who answer are simply going to tell you to get your nose out of your partner's business, and probably be rude about it.
Haven't seen any rude remarks yet.


I think the thing to do is to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by stressing yourself out writing correspondence for your man to his ex. What sort of fulfillment do you get by doing this? Is he not competent or capable of handling communication with his ex wife himself?

Very bizarre in my opinion. I would NEVER involve myself in a boyfriend's issues with his ex. I think you can be supportive by looking up reference material but I hope, for your sake, you learn to set some limits on what you will and will not do for this fella.

I personally do not think it is your place to be composing emails for your b/f. My ex's g/f has done this and it's become a joke of sorts. When you are married to someone you know their writing style. I'm sure your b/f's ex is quite aware that you are writing the emails.

Hope you can drop the facade and just email her directly. Perhaps your b/f enjoys the attention of you and his ex going at each other?

I sincerely hope you can find something better to do with your time. You certainly shouldn't be stressing yourself out over this. It's his problem not yours.
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I personally do not think it is your place to be composing emails for your b/f. My ex's g/f has done this and it's become a joke of sorts. When you are married to someone you know their writing style. I'm sure your b/f's ex is quite aware that you are writing the emails.
Funny. My ex's new gf does this too. It is painfully obvious who is writing. Now when she types for him, I simply write back "Sorry. Not interested in discussing our parenting issues with g/f." and she has mostly stopped.

I feel that the ex needs to deal with things himself and I do not need to have his thoughts paraphrased into her words.
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Haven't seen any rude remarks yet.
Here's one:

OP - stay out of it. It's not your business. Looks to me like you are just making things worse.

I can tell you first-hand that the X can tell the difference between correspondence from you, and correspondence from her X. And I bet she doesn't appreciate your spin on things that do not involve you.

Maybe look into a refund on your conflict-resolution training. Your actions are not conducive to resolving conflict.

Sorry to be harsh - but I'm on the receiving end of your situation and her recent involvement has completely destroyed what little ability X and I DID have to co-parent our son. And I won't even finish reading anything that was composed by Xs new wife. What she thinks or says about the raising of our son means absolutely nothing to me.
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:57 PM
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I forgot to say ... best be careful if and when you use the "we" when referring to winning or losing court motions. Your name is not on the legal documents. The litigation is between the parents of the child. You are a bystander. Your partner was successful in court not you.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:18 AM
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Originally Posted by FrustratedPartner View Post

I was thinking about reading a couple books on all this by Bill Eddy. I really do need some coaching and guidance.
Someone pointed me to one of his articles a while ago... It started from there and I'm currently on my second full book of his "Its all your fault...".

Everybody thinks differently, but for my situation, Bill Eddy has figured this stuff out and in my opinion is worth every penny. Very educational reading.

FrustratedPartner... you're in a tough spot. It's hard enough going through this crap as the main participant... much less watching someone you care about deeply be subject to it all.

I agree with previous posters that he seems to have gotten the priorities straight. Please understand NOW that you will NEVER change this person.... your best hope is to understand how they think and why they act as they do. That's how Bill E's books help.... once you get a leg up on them (and complete lack of unnecessary communication is a big part of it)... you'll be in a much better place.
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:19 AM
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I appreciate all the feedback.

I tried not to get involved for the first few months of our relationship. But, at that time she was bullying him into babysitting every single night of the week at her home and he was too afraid to say 'no'. That is when I did some digging and discovered that he had never responded to any of her motions and was facing imprisonment by FRO for not paying support. He couldn't afford the income imputed so simply didn't pay. My partner is very anti-establishment and really did not want to participate in the court process. he thought that by giving into his ex's demands, she would eventually withdraw motions. Well it didn't work that way and she became more of a monster than ever before.

These two were never married. He only knew her a few months before she got knocked up. He wanted the kid, she didn't. He made her lots of promises to support her financially if she had the kid, but was unable to follow through.

I am not sure if she knows who is writing the emails. We can tell when she writes her emails or when her boyfriend writes them for her.

I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
I appreciate all the feedback.

I tried not to get involved for the first few months of our relationship. But, at that time she was bullying him into babysitting every single night of the week at her home and he was too afraid to say 'no'. That is when I did some digging and discovered that he had never responded to any of her motions and was facing imprisonment by FRO for not paying support. He couldn't afford the income imputed so simply didn't pay. My partner is very anti-establishment and really did not want to participate in the court process. he thought that by giving into his ex's demands, she would eventually withdraw motions. Well it didn't work that way and she became more of a monster than ever before.

These two were never married. He only knew her a few months before she got knocked up. He wanted the kid, she didn't. He made her lots of promises to support her financially if she had the kid, but was unable to follow through.

I am not sure if she knows who is writing the emails. We can tell when she writes her emails or when her boyfriend writes them for her.

I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.
Don't take this personally but: Perhaps it is time to ask yourself, do you need or want to be in this relationship?

Just based on info provided in your post(s), you've been together 2 years, i'm assuming not married, and you're already stressed to such an extent and taking on debt for him. You have two young children of your own and your own challenges with their father. Your two young children need you to be in an emotionally and mentally strong and secure "place" to care for them and run the household. Why would you become so heavily invested in someone's else's wellbeing and legal entanglements - someone you've only known for 2 years - when you should be taking good care of YOURSELF and YOUR family FIRST?

Your current partner does not seem too bothered with his current situation, yet to you it's a "battle" that needs to be "won".

If it indeed is a "battle" of some kind (which it is not), then it is HIS battle, not yours. He is an adult. He has free will, he has choices and options. He needs to take responsibility and accountability for the choices he makes, how he wants his life to be, how he wants his relationship with his daughter to be.

You need to step back and ask yourself some hard questions about this relationship that you're in with him. His challenges with his ex and his daughter should be the least of your concerns right now.
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Exquizique View Post
Don't take this personally but: Perhaps it is time to ask yourself, do you need or want to be in this relationship?

Just based on info provided in your post(s), you've been together 2 years, i'm assuming not married, and you're already stressed to such an extent and taking on debt for him. You have two young children of your own and your own challenges with their father. Your two young children need you to be in an emotionally and mentally strong and secure "place" to care for them and run the household. Why would you become so heavily invested in someone's else's wellbeing and legal entanglements - someone you've only known for 2 years - when you should be taking good care of YOURSELF and YOUR family FIRST?

Your current partner does not seem too bothered with his current situation, yet to you it's a "battle" that needs to be "won".

If it indeed is a "battle" of some kind (which it is not), then it is HIS battle, not yours. He is an adult. He has free will, he has choices and options. He needs to take responsibility and accountability for the choices he makes, how he wants his life to be, how he wants his relationship with his daughter to be.

You need to step back and ask yourself some hard questions about this relationship that you're in with him. His challenges with his ex and his daughter should be the least of your concerns right now.
I would have to agree.

What's in it for you?
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Old 08-19-2013, 09:06 AM
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:51 AM
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Well I will echo the opinions of previous posters.

Your very first priority is to ensure your children's needs are being met. Your own personal health is a priority as well. It sounds like you are not looking after yourself. You say you are in therapy and have been for some time yet you continue to make poor choices.

I'd step back and disengage. Better yet, move out of there. You are probably better off to take the financial hit now before you get in any deeper. If you had any modicum of self-esteem you wouldn't be in this situation.

You need to get some help. If you haven't driven away good friends with endless stories of your man's financial and legal problems, ask your friends if they can give you a hand. You might be surprised at how willing people are to help if you are leaving a toxic relationship.

Your children deserve to be in a healthy and happy home. Your man's problems certainly are not your problems. Doing his dirty work isn't helping him. You are merely an enabler.

Go to your nearest mental health center and see if you can get an appointment with a psychologist. Request referral to women's empowerment-type programs. Don't look back - keep moving forward.
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