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Old 06-10-2011, 11:29 PM
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Default Finally Making Progress

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to share that I'm finally making progress with getting on with the rest of my life. (original background story - http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ame-roof-9105/ )

Finally getting the last of the minor repairs done to the house (that has been like pulling teeth cause the STBX has been dragging it out) been doing what I can but have to be honest, I'm not very handy at home renovations.

Been in seperate rooms for a long time, kids still not asking questions thankfully, and we have yet to tell them, I wanted to wait till we have the house listed on the market and then we will hopefully have more answers for them, cause I know they will have questions.

Not a day goes by that my stbx does not remind me of why I made this decision, and that it was the right decision, in fact things have become quite clear over the last few months and helped me to realize that I've felt this way for a long time and was staying for the wrong reasons.

So far we are getting along just fine, living like roomates I guess you could say, I just hope the house sells quickly so that I can take the necessary steps to moving on to the next chapter in my life.

Just want to say thanks again to everyone for sharing everything they do on this site, it's been supportive, informative, and most of all you realize you are not alone!

Have a great weekend everyone

Angie
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Old 06-11-2011, 08:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieJ View Post
Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to share that I'm finally making progress with getting on with the rest of my life. (original background story - http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ame-roof-9105/ )

Finally getting the last of the minor repairs done to the house (that has been like pulling teeth cause the STBX has been dragging it out) been doing what I can but have to be honest, I'm not very handy at home renovations.

Been in seperate rooms for a long time, kids still not asking questions thankfully, and we have yet to tell them, I wanted to wait till we have the house listed on the market and then we will hopefully have more answers for them, cause I know they will have questions.

Not a day goes by that my stbx does not remind me of why I made this decision, and that it was the right decision, in fact things have become quite clear over the last few months and helped me to realize that I've felt this way for a long time and was staying for the wrong reasons.

So far we are getting along just fine, living like roomates I guess you could say, I just hope the house sells quickly so that I can take the necessary steps to moving on to the next chapter in my life.

Just want to say thanks again to everyone for sharing everything they do on this site, it's been supportive, informative, and most of all you realize you are not alone!

Have a great weekend everyone

Angie
First of all I would say that 4 months is hardly draging things out, especially with the progress you've both made. If you look at a lot of other situations in here that's pretty good time. I would also point out it takes two to drag things out. What you believe is reasonable may not to him and vs versa.

Have you started to address the children and all of the applicable areas in dealing with custody, access and support? It would be interesting, if you truly believe that a few months as being dragged out it how long it might take to resolve those issues. Or have they've been resolved as well.?
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:18 AM
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I guess you are right, in the grand scheme of things, I guess it just feels like forever given the situation, living together the way we are. So many people on this site have had to deal with a lot more grief for a lot longer periods of time. Thanks for the wake-up!

As far as custody, access, support, this has all been discussed and agreed upon and is in our separation agreement (still to be signed, we just finalized a few more detailed points about holidays). Custody is joint, access is 50/50, one week with mom, one week with dad, and other various arrangements for special days (i.e. birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc.)

As far as support goes, well, using the table and calculating the equalization payment would be $200 a month to me. I am not asking for spousal support nor am I asking for any money from any of his pensions. His initial reaction to this was "Why do I have to pay you? You wanted this separation, you wanted to go live your own life." To which I replied that it was to support his children so that their living conditions could remain somewhat similar between mom and dad's place. His response "I'll support them when I have them". Only thing I could say to that was to tell him I would send him all the links for the Justice Canada Website, and he could review the tables and do the calculations himself, and I told him if he was still not happy with that, that he should take the agreement to a lawyer and have it reviewed! He seems to now be OK with this as he has not argued it any further, and we seem to be at the final version of the agreement, the plan is to review it today and perhaps have it all signed off by the end of the weekend.
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Old 06-11-2011, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieJ View Post
I guess you are right, in the grand scheme of things, I guess it just feels like forever given the situation, living together the way we are. So many people on this site have had to deal with a lot more grief for a lot longer periods of time. Thanks for the wake-up!

As far as custody, access, support, this has all been discussed and agreed upon and is in our separation agreement (still to be signed, we just finalized a few more detailed points about holidays). Custody is joint, access is 50/50, one week with mom, one week with dad, and other various arrangements for special days (i.e. birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc.)

As far as support goes, well, using the table and calculating the equalization payment would be $200 a month to me. I am not asking for spousal support nor am I asking for any money from any of his pensions. His initial reaction to this was "Why do I have to pay you? You wanted this separation, you wanted to go live your own life." To which I replied that it was to support his children so that their living conditions could remain somewhat similar between mom and dad's place. His response "I'll support them when I have them". Only thing I could say to that was to tell him I would send him all the links for the Justice Canada Website, and he could review the tables and do the calculations himself, and I told him if he was still not happy with that, that he should take the agreement to a lawyer and have it reviewed! He seems to now be OK with this as he has not argued it any further, and we seem to be at the final version of the agreement, the plan is to review it today and perhaps have it all signed off by the end of the weekend.
okay...yeah...np wake up call indeed lol. You got all that done in a matter of months? Many of us including myself are dealing in as many, in years!

Just be patient a little longer, even a lot if you can get a deal. I say this because all it takes is one party to communicate something wrong or a simple misunderstanding and pow! You've gotten yourselves into a long and protracted dispute that will, between you, coast upwards to 100k! And i can tell you i am not inflating that number. It doesn't take long to spend that money. Not only do you both lose...your children lose...as that 100,000.00 could be put towards their education trips. ... anything but the blood sucking lawyers....oops did I just insult the lawyers...sorry not all of them are blood suckers....most of them are. They do not want resolution, they can not make money if you settle...so why not create conflict, confusion! Job security in my opinion.

Good luck.
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:36 PM
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Not sure if you've thought about the 2-2-3 access schedule as an alternative to 7-7. i.e. Mon,/Tues with mom, Weds/Thurs with dad, and Fri/Sat/Sun alternates. Just mentioning it because it can make scheduling extracurricular activities easier. You can then schedule anything on your 2 weeknights without impacting the other parent.
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Old 06-11-2011, 05:17 PM
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I'm new to all this and have never heard of the 2-2-3! It's something to think about, but I would worry that it might be too much for my boys, they are 5 and 10, all that back and forth during the same week.

We have agreed in our SA that all activities that the kids are put into will be agreed upon by both parents, they are currently in karate 3 nights a week, and at soccer twice a week, soccer of course is seasonal but karate is year round, and that the custodial parent for the week will be responsible to take the children to their activities, but that the other parent is welcome to attend if they want to.

So far things are remaining very amicable between us, and I am doing my best to keep it that way for the sake of my kids, but part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.....I have read so many stories on this forum about what other people have had to go through that my situation seems to be unrealistic.....I guess I will just have to get through one day at a time and see how it goes.
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Old 06-11-2011, 05:18 PM
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Welcome Angie;

Appears you see your way clear and have taken the child centered approach to resolve differences with your children's other parent considering financial pressures that your family faces. Hopefully, your home will sell quickly, obtain amicable closure, and you are able to step forward to happiness.
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:29 PM
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Glad you're making progress, Angie!

It's a lousy thing to be going through. I've found that for the past year, it's been time consuming and I would be very happy not to be dealing with this stuff anymore. I'm very anxious to be able to close this book, but I'm not quite at that point yet.

Cheers,
Rick
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Old 06-11-2011, 10:58 PM
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My son has had what we call a "2-2-2-2" since we separated, he was 3 then and is 7 now. I know that adds up to 8 days a week, we treat Saturday afternoon -Sunday afternoon as "2" days since it adds up as more time at home than during the week. So he is SM, TW, TF, SS. This has worked well for him up till now, he was never away from either of us for too long, and has enough time to settle in to each home. I think he is ready for longer stays but my ex and me will have to sit down and negotiate.

My daughter 14 now. She is on a 1-1-1-2-1 schedule which I don't feel is healthy or organized but it happened that way when we were working out convenience for sports practices (the trip from house A is easy, from house B is awkward and it was also awkward for the parent with the younger child to attend practice.) She appreciates time away from her little brother and having a solo night with each parent. In some ways it is good, but she forgets things at each house, it is back and forth too much. While she is a good kid, she does shirk chores by putting things off, then she gone to the other house the next day. Overall I would like to move her to a week-on week-off schedule but again, that will take a negotiation. Her mum and me are on the same page though.

Overall I would say that for younger kids, short schedules are much better for them overall, and it's easier to deal with separation anxiety if you can say "you'll see mummy/daddy in just 2 days!". The older they get, the longer they can handle being apart from either parent without issues, and longer stays in each house means packing one bag once a week which is easier. It's easier to be consistant with chores and discipline if they are at one house for several days straight.
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