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Old 03-05-2009, 09:32 AM
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Default Ex wants to meet girlfriend

Hi Everybody

I'm writing this in general chat because I'm interested in what people think and basically talk about it.

I'm separated, for 4 years, with 2 kids (11 and 9). Custody and financial negotiated between us (no legal) with week on/week off and no support either direction. I've been dating someone for 2 years now though her involvement with the kids is few and far between - my time with the kids is with the kids and she respects that (she also likes her week without me around!).

My ex has asked a few times in the past to meet her. Initially, she asked out of anger when I first told her about the new situation, but now she is asking again because we are going on a trip and she says she has a right to know who is spending time with "her" kids.

She has a boyfriend (I have not met him) of 6 or 7 months. He spends time with the kids and such, and I have no problems with that. I have no need or feelings that I should meet him - he sounds like a decent guy and I leave it at that.

My girlfriend does not want to be "judged" or felt like she is to be accepted or rejected by my ex. I agree, and feel that there really isn't any need for them to meet unless we happen to decide to move in together.

Thoughts?
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Old 03-05-2009, 11:10 AM
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I would politely decline. I don't think that you need to give any reason, but you can point out that she didn't introduce you to her boyfriend, so she shouldn't expect you to introduce her to your girlfriend. I'd just leave it at that.

If you start into how the girlfriend will feel then you're giving your ex the chance to blame your girlfriend, which you don't want. I also think that you need to protect your girlfriend's feelings and take a stand for your privacy. It sounds like she just wants to control you and giving in will just lead to more efforts to control you.
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Old 03-05-2009, 11:33 AM
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That's a lot of what I was thinking. If we moved in together or got married - then that would be a bit different because there would be a "real" role in the kids' lives. Right now, it isn't very significant at all (barely more than a few times in the last year). The trip for March Break will be a week together, but even then discipline and well being will be my responsibility (for the kids) and she will be there as another adult ensuring safety etc - much like any other friend I might invite along somewhere.

My ex said she asked me if I wanted to meet her guy and I said I didn't need to (or want to, not sure which) because I simply trusted her judge of people. She said that that's me, not her, and I should respect her wishes as opposed to disrespecting and treating her like sh*t etc by not introducing the two.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Shafted and Piston View Post
I would politely decline. I don't think that you need to give any reason, but you can point out that she didn't introduce you to her boyfriend, so she shouldn't expect you to introduce her to your girlfriend. I'd just leave it at that.

If you start into how the girlfriend will feel then you're giving your ex the chance to blame your girlfriend, which you don't want. I also think that you need to protect your girlfriend's feelings and take a stand for your privacy. It sounds like she just wants to control you and giving in will just lead to more efforts to control you.
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Old 03-06-2009, 09:26 AM
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I too think that this is a control issue on the part of your ex. There are two reasons why she may wish to meet your girlfriend: 1) she truly does want to know who may play a future role in her children's lives; or 2) she's just wanting to see who you're dating. Neither reason will result in your ex being able to have a say in how you and your girlfriend act around the children or whether your girlfriend eventually has a say in your children's lives.

I would tell your ex that it's no disrespect to her, but she has to understand she can't control her children's lives to the extent that she has to meet everyone who is involved in their lives... If she pushes, reiterate that your girlfriend doesn't feel the need to meet your ex at this point in the relationship.

IMHO - I think the second reason is the real reason why she's wanting to meet your girlfriend. Sounds like there might be some jealousy at play? Maybe she interpreted your disinterest in meeting her boyfriend as disinterest in her and that's why she's getting so angry? If this is a possibility, then your girlfriend should definitely not be meeting your ex.
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Old 03-11-2009, 10:51 PM
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I think that my ex thinks she is well-intentioned on behalf of the kids, but she is furious at me whenever my g/f is involved in any way with the kids. For many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with my ex, my g/f doesn't involve herself with my kids very much. It's my time, she respects that, and she does her thing when I have the kids.

The trip is what precipitated the "demand" and she is insisting that it is her "right" to know who is spending time with the kids as I mentioned.

It is so tiring being called a poor father and that I show obvious signs of not wanting to BE a father in that I enjoy "the single life" because when I don't have the kids I do so much and I don't call the kids or involve myself with the kids. My belief is that they are with their mother, and I'm out of the picture that week, and vice versa.

Anyway, I'm just talking here. I appreciate everyone's insights. I really do empathize with the many out there that have well and truly irrational ex's. Overall, my situation isn't nearly the same as many folks out there and to those that think I'm complaining about mine - I'm not - I'm just looking for people's opinions.
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Old 05-22-2009, 12:55 PM
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I think she is just afraid that your girlfriend could become something like the new "mother" for the kids. Probably the kids told her that they like your girlfriend and this can make a mother really jealous. I think you should understand her feelings although her reaction is probably a little over the top. After my wife and I split up I started dating girls from the internet and she was very uncomfortable with that. I think sometimes people need their time to adjust to a new situation and you have to give them the time. Not everybody manages to handle divorces or break-ups as "easily" as others.
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Old 05-22-2009, 02:44 PM
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Just wanted to share my experience with this issue.

My ex and I have been separated for 5 years. I met someone 3 yrs ago. Because of our child I neither encouraged nor discouraged the two meet but i always knew that some day it was inevitable the would somehow. I know as well that we have nothing to hide nor be embarassed about.
It did happen on one occasion, my new partner was very polite to my ex and they even talked some on their own. Niether wanted to be "friends" and that was ok by me. (no hostility) A year later is when my ex started to act up and cause alot of heartache for all of us (incl the child). Alot of lies that were never grounded. I guess he was jelous that I had moved on and thought he could mess things up. here it is a couple of yrs later and we are still together.
I have 2 problems with this story. First being that my ex never made an effort to get to know this person in our lives and choose to believe the lies of others. Second now despite being married to the ex almost 20 yrs and his knowing the person I am He has to have thought that I am not a fool and have good judgement.
I fell somewhat torn on this issue as I feel a parent does in fact have a right to know who the CHILDREN are around. But it stops there they have no right to control or critasize. I am not including that there are some that we dont want are kids around with good reason but until you get to know that person the ex has no place controlling.
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Old 10-20-2013, 12:34 AM
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Your intuition is correct.

They need not meet, now- or even if you do move in together one day.

It is an emotional request you can easily ignore, and defend in court if required,

(assuming there is no history of abuse, addiction, whatever...)

Last edited by wretchedotis; 10-20-2013 at 12:37 AM.
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Old 10-20-2013, 02:25 AM
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Let me know when the meeting will take place and I'll come with some lawn chairs and portable bbq... later in the evening I'll make popcorn.


This would be highly entertaining - that's about all that would be good to come out of it in my opinion.
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Old 10-20-2013, 02:47 AM
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Dissenting opinion here. I think it is reasonable for your ex to want to meet your girlfriend, especially if she's spending significant time with the kids (going on vacations together, etc). Your ex is being a control freak if she's trying to interfere in your relationship with your new girlfriend or tell you what to do, but I don't think that simply wanting to meet her qualifies. Parents should know the other adults who are playing major roles in their kids' lives, whether these are teachers, coaches, parents' girlfriends/boyfriends, etc.

If this relationship persists, she's going to meet the gf at some point, presumably - graduation, kids' birthdays, whatever - so might as well have that first meeting under controlled circumstances. Fifteen minutes at Starbucks for hello, how are you, aren't the kids lovely, strikes me as just common courtesy, as well as good co-parenting.

If you don't feel the need to meet your ex's new man, that's fine, but I think she did the right thing by making the offer.
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