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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2014, 04:33 PM
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Ya I like the x's and y's thing too. Helpful.

Not trying to make a deal out of nothing. Just weird. My ex lost custody of her older kids so Im kinda uncomfortable of this turn of interest she has in our kids suddenly in my neighbourhood. After a restraining order against me for claiming she's scared I would kill her lol dropped, her interest to be in my hood seems legally convenient. I don't know what she's up to and can drive myself crazy but that comes naturally after all the crazy stuff she's done to make sure I would feel insignificant in the kids' lives since separation.

Especially when she makes it a point that she's in my neighbourhood. Do I need to know that? What's the point.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2014, 05:09 PM
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Can't claim authorship of the x and y quote - it's something someone told me in the first days of divorce, when I was (like many people) obsessing over "Y" it all went wrong and "Y" my "X" was doing what he did, and it stuck with me.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2014, 04:16 PM
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I cant seem to see anything she can use to her advantage by coming to your neighbourhood. In fact it helps make the case if you wish the family to settle closer to you. You will want her to be close as this thing settle downs.

My advice is slightly different. While I agree you can't let yourself get caught up in wild conspiracies I think this forum does have a tendency to undermine the genuine stress that happens when someone is dealing with a high conflict spouse.

I too had an ex that has tried everything. She has failed but it took 12 months and I feel by being on my toes I was able to anticipate and then respond appropriately to the very real threats.

The accusations are only silly and crazy after they have been debunked. Had I not made or taken appropriate steps to challenge these accusations or prepare a rebuttal or recommend steps to avoid opportunities for new accusations it would have ended badly for me.

I felt alone in making many of these choices...and while i am 40, have extensive business experience, survived in a dog-eat-dog environment at work before and no stranger to political tactics I still found when it came to making decisions or anticipating these wildly aggressive high conflict situations many of the choices I had to make were often counter intuitive and felt often situations were a catch-22....no win choices.

The advice on this forum comes from a good place. People here are trying to de-escalate the aggressiveness that pops up in a high conflict divorce however I feel it very insulting sometimes to be dismissed when I was only trying to anticipate what a wild card will do next.

The standard line is just "be calm and carry on" only works if you're dealing with a reasonable and rational person that is temporarily raging. But if it is as it sounds in your case you're dealing with simply one evil SOB you really have to be more careful.

There are often two types of High conflicts...one where both sides are adding fuel to the fire (what is always assumed) and the situations where one crazy ex is just launching a one-sided war....

Anyways...my rant for the day.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2014, 04:32 PM
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headwaters1 - I can totally empathize with where you are coming from. I had to endure ex's crazy g/f. This nut-job used to actually stalk not just me but my adult son at his place of employment. Her actions caused him to quit a job and for years my son would not disclose to his father where he was employed for fear that the skank would show up. Crazy g/f called police on me - the whole nine yards. Cops ended up giving her a warning. She tried to put a peace bond on me (for absolutely nothing). I was so distraught at the time, as I had never been in family court at that time, that I hired an expensive criminal lawyer. To this day the woman is still a pain in the ass.

Did I learn to anticipate her actions? Yes. Because she has been the driving force behind 5 years worth of continuous litigation by my ex (yes he doesn't seem to mind it) BOTH MY LAWYER AND I have most definitely collaborated on what her next move was likely to be.

I know exactly what it is like to be dealing with an irrational high-conflict unstable individual. I will NEVER let my guard down, even when I'm old and in a nursing home. LoL.
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Old 11-02-2014, 04:48 PM
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And it has a strange effect on a person. I was explaining to someone recently why I am having trouble trusting anyone new in my life. Not a huge problem because I really don't want anyone serious in my life but as causal dates get closer to serious I try to explain to friends why I have some anxiety.

The response is "hell what could she do to you?". Well here is a list. And I sound crazy listing it. And I laugh as I'm saying it But this has happened to me - I have been put through the ringer. And if my wife (ex) can make crazy allegations then a gf could too.

It's still fresh and this lack of trust will fade with time but I guess I just want to say to this poster...you're not crazy for being prepared...and it's a balancing act of keeping on your toes and also not letting it get ahold of you.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 11-02-2014, 09:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
My advice is slightly different. While I agree you can't let yourself get caught up in wild conspiracies I think this forum does have a tendency to undermine the genuine stress that happens when someone is dealing with a high conflict spouse.

I too had an ex that has tried everything. She has failed but it took 12 months and I feel by being on my toes I was able to anticipate and then respond appropriately to the very real threats.

The accusations are only silly and crazy after they have been debunked. Had I not made or taken appropriate steps to challenge these accusations or prepare a rebuttal or recommend steps to avoid opportunities for new accusations it would have ended badly for me.
Can I ask where you're at now? Kids?

For me i've managed to debunk her accusations with support of police, ocl and cad. Even the court at some of our last sessions made recommendations in my favour. Custody and 58% timeshare to me. She just won't agree and "none of it happened" somehow. So we're trying mediation next. I wanted it open and she agreed. When the appointment was made, she decided that it had to be closed. I don't know if this is a stupid move on her part but I suspect that creating mass confusion to make it impossible to piece together evidence for trial is part of her game too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
I still found when it came to making decisions or anticipating these wildly aggressive high conflict situations many of the choices I had to make were often counter intuitive and felt often situations were a catch-22....no win choices.
Ya catch-22. I comply and am reasonable. How much more evidence is needed before she gets it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
The advice on this forum comes from a good place. People here are trying to de-escalate the aggressiveness that pops up in a high conflict divorce however I feel it very insulting sometimes to be dismissed when I was only trying to anticipate what a wild card will do next.
I know people mean well. But I agree that based on the little I've posted about what I've been through, how easily my situation can be judged. It can be insulting sometimes. I couldn't agree with you more and I thank you for posting those thoughts!

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Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
The standard line is just "be calm and carry on" only works if you're dealing with a reasonable and rational person that is temporarily raging. But if it is as it sounds in your case you're dealing with simply one evil SOB you really have to be more careful.
That's where paranoia and conspiracy become too easy as labels around here. I can't stress enough that neither is the case on my part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
There are often two types of High conflicts...one where both sides are adding fuel to the fire (what is always assumed) and the situations where one crazy ex is just launching a one-sided war....
Ya its for sure a one-sided war in my case. Ive gone through hell to prove her wrong every step of the way but she still has a legal edge on me. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that her rich friends are paying for her team of lawyers and I'm basically self-repped. I didn't expect the full legal attack. Im still legally recovering and doing the best to parent and work at the same time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
And it has a strange effect on a person. I was explaining to someone recently why I am having trouble trusting anyone new in my life. Not a huge problem because I really don't want anyone serious in my life but as causal dates get closer to serious I try to explain to friends why I have some anxiety.

The response is "hell what could she do to you?". Well here is a list. And I sound crazy listing it. And I laugh as I'm saying it But this has happened to me - I have been put through the ringer. And if my wife (ex) can make crazy allegations then a gf could too.
I completely understand this. Going through this, anyone would feel "crazy" because so much crazy upheaval exists. Its hard to trust anyone afterwards.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
It's still fresh and this lack of trust will fade with time but I guess I just want to say to this poster...you're not crazy for being prepared...and it's a balancing act of keeping on your toes and also not letting it get ahold of you.
I think thats some of the best feedback Ive read on this site. Thank you, Headwaters1.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2014, 07:20 PM
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My journey is far from over but like LF32 it looks like the worst part is over. After five months of being in the firing zone time between an emergency motion pulled by the wife and when the first case conference was heard it was then decided we would get the Office of Childrens lawyer involved.

The accusations kept coming as we went through an eight month process ...my wife had sought out so many counsellors, doctors, social groups etc that the list of people to talk to was ridiculous. The assessor talked to everybody.

In the end her allegations were debunked. There was never any indication she was verbally abused. She certainly didn't act like someone abused/threatened. She was very vigorously warned against making any more unnecessary accusations.

Now we need to settle on terms. One outstanding item is the fact she wants to take the child to a foreign country with a terrible Hague treaty record. She started her legal proceeding formal asking to move him permanently and now after lying and cheating for 12 months just shrugs her shoulders and says ok. Now I would like to go for a visit to my native home land.

I have from day one raised my concern about the threat of her not returning. The assessor even said my concern was legitimate. However legally she was forced to recommend travel could not be unreasonably held. The compromise they think is appropriate is that he cant travel for more than 7 days. Like this will in any way limit the likelihood she won't simply start a proceeding in her home country.

So now I am a little uncertain how I wish to settle. Should I settle the access and custody now on is own and then battle the travel thing separately or should I just wait until everything is settled and make an all or nothing.

I currently have 50 50 access so really there is no rush...its a bit of a question of how to best proceed. I'm parked it for two weeks while I make a decision.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2014, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
The advice on this forum comes from a good place. People here are trying to de-escalate the aggressiveness that pops up in a high conflict divorce however I feel it very insulting sometimes to be dismissed when I was only trying to anticipate what a wild card will do next.
I had a very high conflict divorce. I learned pretty quickly early on to not be reactive and that worrying about what idiotic nonsense my ex was going to do was a silly waste of time. I became far more concerned with what I needed to do...I spend very little time defending against his crap.

The OP is basically saying his ex is hanging out in his neighborhood. There's absolutely nothing actionable in this circumstance. He can't do anything about it and since he has an interim custody order established and is forming a status quo...there's nothing he should do. He can't tell her where to hang out and there's no strategy to worry about here. Maybe she just gets her rocks off bugging you and you're letting her do it.

What litigants dealing with HC ex's need to learn to do is disengage and prove to the court who they are...not disprove what their ex says they are. There's a great deal of difference between those two things.

Also being paranoid is simply useless. HC ex's can threaten and try whatever they want. But if you manage your case proactively rather than reactively, you'll have a good outcome. The cases I see fall apart are usually the one where someone engages at the same level as the HC litigant. If you differentiate yourself to the court, you're in a much better position.

Being married to my ex was like living in a fun house...reality was often skewed. And that's why I got divorced...because I was tired of trying to reason with a nutbag. Why anyone would continue to engage with their crazy ex after separation in the same way is beyond me. You can't anticipate what a wingnut is up to...worry about being the best parent you can be and get off the crazy train.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2014, 08:04 PM
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Small potatoes. I wouldn't worry about that.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 11-03-2014, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post


Being married to my ex was like living in a fun house...reality was often skewed. And that's why I got divorced...because I was tired of trying to reason with a nutbag. Why anyone would continue to engage with their crazy ex after separation in the same way is beyond me. You can't anticipate what a wingnut is up to...worry about being the best parent you can be and get off the crazy train.
^^ Yup. My ex isn't as whacked as some of the exes on here, but my life got a lot simpler once I realized (after more time than it should have taken) that trying to figure out what he was thinking was pointless. Didn't work while we were married, definitely didn't work after. Your ex's mind is like a bad neighbourhood - it's best to stay out.
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