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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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Old 04-22-2006, 09:45 AM
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Default Dazed and confused, still..

This is so hard! I am trying to embrace all the wonders of being alone for the first time in forever, trying to revel in eating only melba toast and artichoke dip for supper if I want...all that stuff.... I just feel so lost. I have a completely uninspiring job, so I get no personal satisfaction there (at least it's not soul-destroying like my previous career was). I have read every book I can stand to read (for now), I'm sick of going for walks, I don't want to go shopping...

My ex appears to be loving the single-and-alone life. He has the marital house and so he is in familiar territory, whereas I'm not, but I don't know if that is the secret to his contentment or not. Of course, he has said that he was a lifelong bachelor who's plans were spoiled by ME, so I suppose he's just living his dream now .

It just seems like everywhere I look, everyone has a life. Well I guess I have a life too but I feel like I'm rotting away. I really thought that, once everything was settled and I was single, I would open up into this beautiful butterfly kind of a thing.... no so! And, to be clear, it's not a new relationship that I want (definitely not - friends would be okay), except maybe with myself.. How on earth do I go about learning to live with myself and for myself!? Something tells me that I am in a good position - 40, educated, no kids (I guess that's good... only myself to look after, anyway), financially "okay", absolutely free to do anything I want - why cant' I make this work?

Thanks everyone. I feel like such a burden here. I've searched the net for other possible forums where maybe my "whining" might fit in better, but I keep coming back here. There is something about all the personalities here that makes me feel, well, NOT alone.
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Old 04-22-2006, 10:12 AM
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Divorce is not easy. In fact the majority of the time it is extremely painful. It can take a long time to recover from the damage of divorce. When a divorce occurs it is like a death in the family. So many emotions can rise to the surface. For example: anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, anguish, bitterness, hatred, and regret are just a few of the emotions that come up during and after a divorce. The person being divorced starts questioning their value as a person and as a mate. They start thinking and saying "If only I had done this..." or "I should have done this ..." or "I am not lovable" or "I'll never be happy" or "I'll always be alone".

Divorce can destroy self-esteem. Depression can sneak into the mind without knowing what is happening. The parties involved in divorce become full of guilt. They begin to question their sanity.

Understand that all of the feelings and emotions that surface are normal. Accept them instead of denying that they exist. Work through each emotion. You are not a bad person for thinking or feeling a certain way. You are just human.

Divorce is never easy for the people involved. It can have long-term affects on any new relationships. Divorce can be a learning experience that makes you stronger and healthier emotionally. It all depends on your attitude and how you act after a divorce. Anger, sadness, depression, blame, and frightened about the future are common reactions to divorce. Feelings of insecurity, betrayal, low self-esteem and disconnection can linger long after a divorce. You could go through life blaming other's for your unhappiness.

Here are some suggestions for people in the process of divorce and for those already divorced.

1. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Deal with the feelings of anger and sadness. You have a right to you own feelings. Let them out. Write about them, talk about them, scream and cry about them. Release your feelings. Take a long bath or shower and then stay in your robe all day and just be with your feelings. Feel the feelings and then move on

2. Understand that it takes a lot of time to recover from divorce. Healing does not happen overnight. Don't let friends or family rush you through the process. Go about your healing in your own way and at your own pace. Don't feel guilty about mourning your loss.

3. Read as much self-help material that you can. Read or listen to the same self-help book at least 6 times during a 30 day period before starting a new book. It takes that much repetition before you can actually digest and learn from the information.

4. Treat yourself often to long walks in the park, massages, movies, eating out, reading a novel, window shopping, and anything else that will make you feel pampered for an hour or so. Pamper and nurture yourself as much as possible. Do some things that you put off doing while you were married. Start taking care of yourself and your needs.

5. Seek outside help from your minister or from a counselor. Reach out to others. Let others help you through your mourning process. Talk to people that can relate and empathize.

6. Be aware of how you think and feel when you are stressed. Try to anticipate how you want to react and then do the opposite. Example: If you usually talk a lot stop and try to listen instead, if you withdraw, stop and start a conversation. It takes time to develop new behaviors. Be persistent. Stop blaming yourself or others for your unhappiness. Take responsibility for your feelings.

How can you regain a positive attitude after divorce? Try the following: Focus on the positive. Look ahead and picture a happier you. Take up new hobbies and starting concentrating on happy events and create a better future by your thoughts, words and deeds.

Lydster, please don't feel like your a burden on this forum, we all need to "whine" going through the divorce process and this is a "support" forum.
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Old 04-22-2006, 10:18 AM
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thank you, Grace. Thank you.
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Old 04-22-2006, 11:05 AM
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I have to echo Grace - don't feel like a burden - you really have put alot of my own thoughts down here. You are not alone- Divorce is such a huge thing - it takes a ton of time to get through it( I would say over it but I don't know if you ever do get over it) Grace has a lot of great advice.
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Old 04-22-2006, 11:38 AM
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Hang in there because being alone is often the hardest part of divorce for a lot of people. This is a time for self assessment - not on the "whar if's" of your marriage, but rather, "how do I feel about the future?"

It's hard to get your head around rebuilding when you have spent many years with someone. I think that all of us have a "nuclear family" or "nuclear marriage" view of what our lives are eventually going to look like, and frankly, that aspect of our culture is a myth - a myth supported by statistics. So why do we hold onto a myth? Because it's sometimes better to aspire to the mythology of marriage than adapt to the realities of our lives in this busy world of ours.

So consider your rebuilding time this way: how will you define your life - starting today? Do you feel a need to "leave your mark" on the world, or do you aspire to remarry one day and stick with the myth? Interestingly. there is nothing wrong with being unmarried - though our families and friends who cling to the myth of what normal looks like would argue with that perspective, there really is nothing wrong with being unmarried.

I think a lot of the pain associated with rebuilding is in the notion of "aloneness".. we speak of being alone as if it is a bad thing - which it isn't. It's sometimes necessary to be alone so that you can conquer your personal demons and re-emerge as a new person with new hopes, dreams and goals.

So, as wierd as this may sound - embrace being alone. Grab onto it like it's a life preserver. We come into this life alone and we leave it alone. Between those two points, we spend a lot of time catering to other people's view of how we should behave, act, live and exist. So maybe now, maybe for the first time in your life - who knows, connect with the person you were before you married, before you dated, before the bad times... before everything.

Who was that person? What did he/she plan to do with his/her life? What was your passion? What gave you inspiration?

That may be the starting point for rebuilding - if you can remember that far back. I had to do it - for me, it was when I was 16 - young, idealistic and my whole life ahead of me. That person wanted to go to art school - that person was inspired by social issues - that person loved tinkering with his car and used to read hot-rod magazines.

Well guess what - when I was alone, I started pursuing those interests again. It brought me into a new circle of friends with similar interests. It gave me some passion for things that meant something to me. What means something to you? Where are you going today? What do you need to help you heal?

Focus on yourself. Reconnect with the part of you that might have been buried beneath years of marriage, paying bills, going to work every day, etc.

You can heal - you will heal. It's your choice on how you want to heal
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Old 04-22-2006, 06:38 PM
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Lydster,

I completely understand how you feel. When my spouse broke the news to me, no kid of lie, I could not do anything but think about the situation for 2 months.

It was as if I was hit by a tidal wave and was being bounced around, turned upside down and up, side to side ... emotions were just all over the map!

I had the fortunate experience early in life when my exgirlfriend and I broke up and I went into a depression. That experience taugh me the most valuable lesson of all ... life does and will go on. Not only does life go on, it goes on to be better. How, well, for one, you now have experience under your belt and can make the choice to improve on where one once failed, which brought you to where you were.

I know that what I am currently experincing is 'temporary' and I just have to be patient while He setups my next life experience. Yes, I DO believe ... and I have my personal reasons for believing or rather experiences to confirm my many beliefs in something and someone higher than me!

I'll talk more about this later, my in-laws just walked in and guess who has to make supper! See life does get better!

Hubby
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Old 04-22-2006, 10:34 PM
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Lydster,

Have you considered taking up some new hobbies or extra curricular outings that you always wanted to try but never had the time. This would be a good opportunity. Who knows where this would lead but would be a positive step in the right direction to take your mind off the past.
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Old 04-22-2006, 11:11 PM
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Well, what a long day it's been...

I am most grateful for your input, everyone! Thank you. I needed reminding (well, I needed telling) that this is going to be a long, up and down process. Sigh! I do have some new things in mind to pursue, I just haven't been able to make myself get out and try them yet.. but the thought is there, and I will do it. I can see that it is really a good thing in many ways that now I have the chance to reconnect with myself. It's funny how that is a scary and troubling thing as well, to have to actually face yourself...

I read the new joke thread a little while ago, and I laughed. Ah that felt good! I really do appreciate the time everyone here takes to note down their thoughts and advice, not just in response to my posts, but to all that is said here. This is a really neat place.

I hope we all have peaceful sleeps tonight!
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