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Old 08-17-2014, 04:36 PM
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Default Another Rant ...

Divorce - why me? why us? What the hell could I have done to avoid this complicated mess? It's over, so why can't I get over it? I ask myself these questions in the wee hours of the night with my only company being the mounting stack of bills and this awful sense of injustice .....

According to the so-called experts, it takes one year for every five years of marriage, to get over the divorce. Not good!

Life isn't supposed to be easy, it's about struggling and hard work and learning how to adapt to difficult situations. We are sent here to learn a lesson - challenges that would improve our eternal souls. Or is it something we did that angered the being upstairs (God) and now we are stuck here in Hell until we've figured it out? it would explain why there is so much injustice on Earth no?

Whatever the case may be, divorce happens for a reason - it's up to each person to accept the lesson, learn from it and move on. It doesn't matter how evil-corrupt-unfair or crazy we may perceive the Ex to be, each spouse contributed in some way to the demise of the marriage ... Same could be said for marriages that DO work, it can't be accomplished with only one spouse making 100% of the sacrifices.

The moment a person stops participating in the "blame-game" is when real progress can be made, otherwise expect to be in and out of court for a very very long time. Remember, lawyers profit from our bitterness and our children pay the price.

I forgive the TWERP and myself - no, I will not be wasting 5-6 years to get over it .... And how do you handle this Victory Garden of emotions? I've tried therapy and all that, didn't help very much. Only thing that works for me is patience, prayer and time.

Jan
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Old 08-18-2014, 03:44 PM
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Janibel,
The experts can kiss my a*s. The more you put into a marriage, the harder to get over it, I don't think it is time which will heal it. Even if that always present emotional pain fades over time, just thinking how/why our relationship failed makes me very sad and revives the pain.

What helps to change your mood and you have control over it:
1. a cat.
2. medical marijuana. (not a "cure all" workaround for everybody, but it's pretty amazing.)

The real solution which makes you thank God for your divorce is a new love. Unfortunately we have little control over this - but it will come. Regardless of your age.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Divorce - why me? why us? What the hell could I have done to avoid this complicated mess? It's over, so why can't I get over it? I ask myself these questions in the wee hours of the night with my only company being the mounting stack of bills and this awful sense of injustice .....

According to the so-called experts, it takes one year for every five years of marriage, to get over the divorce. Not good!

Life isn't supposed to be easy, it's about struggling and hard work and learning how to adapt to difficult situations. We are sent here to learn a lesson - challenges that would improve our eternal souls. Or is it something we did that angered the being upstairs (God) and now we are stuck here in Hell until we've figured it out? it would explain why there is so much injustice on Earth no?

Whatever the case may be, divorce happens for a reason - it's up to each person to accept the lesson, learn from it and move on. It doesn't matter how evil-corrupt-unfair or crazy we may perceive the Ex to be, each spouse contributed in some way to the demise of the marriage ... Same could be said for marriages that DO work, it can't be accomplished with only one spouse making 100% of the sacrifices.

The moment a person stops participating in the "blame-game" is when real progress can be made, otherwise expect to be in and out of court for a very very long time. Remember, lawyers profit from our bitterness and our children pay the price.

I forgive the TWERP and myself - no, I will not be wasting 5-6 years to get over it .... And how do you handle this Victory Garden of emotions? I've tried therapy and all that, didn't help very much. Only thing that works for me is patience, prayer and time.

Jan
As our world becomes more complex, we seem to see a movement to reduce everything into easily understandable sound bites. Problem is a little common sense will show that experts who claim pat answers are just making it up.

How can a subject as complex as divorce be boiled down to a simple formula.

I think it depends on individual circumstances, and the individuals themselves. Who can predict how anyone will react to a set of circumstances. I'm sure I would react differently based on a number of factors; length of the marriage, number of children, whether abuse was involved, whether a partner cheated, financial situation, relationship with the ex, many many things.

I'm three years since separation, a year and a half since divorce, and I can safely say both my ex and I have moved on. While my ex and I are not friends, we are civil, when we need to communicate about the kids. She is remarrying soon, and I have been in a long term relationship just over a year.

So I'd say don't sweat it. Everyone's journey is different. Therapy works for some, not for others. Some have an easy time with forgiveness, others not. All I can suggest is that ignoring issues doesn't make them go away.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
As our world becomes more complex, we seem to see a movement to reduce everything into easily understandable sound bites. Problem is a little common sense will show that experts who claim pat answers are just making it up.

How can a subject as complex as divorce be boiled down to a simple formula.

I think it depends on individual circumstances, and the individuals themselves. Who can predict how anyone will react to a set of circumstances. I'm sure I would react differently based on a number of factors; length of the marriage, number of children, whether abuse was involved, whether a partner cheated, financial situation, relationship with the ex, many many things.

I'm three years since separation, a year and a half since divorce, and I can safely say both my ex and I have moved on. While my ex and I are not friends, we are civil, when we need to communicate about the kids. She is remarrying soon, and I have been in a long term relationship just over a year.

So I'd say don't sweat it. Everyone's journey is different. Therapy works for some, not for others. Some have an easy time with forgiveness, others not. All I can suggest is that ignoring issues doesn't make them go away.
Well said, it's all about what works for you. I can tell you my mom has never gotten over her divorce. She probably never will, and unfortunately it has definitely changed who she is.

Life is what you make of it. I think the first step is forgiveness and acceptance. If you can't accept what has happened then you probably won't ever get over it. It definitely takes longer for some than others.

For me it even though I went through hell for two years I determined I was going to live a happy life and in order for that to happen I had to forgive what my ex had done and accept where I am. Once I did that it was pretty easy to live in happiness... As I tell lots of people the only person you can control is yourself. Work hard to make you a better person.

"Not my monkey's...Not my circus"
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by BitHunter View Post
Janibel,
The experts can kiss my a*s. The more you put into a marriage, the harder to get over it, I don't think it is time which will heal it. Even if that always present emotional pain fades over time, just thinking how/why our relationship failed makes me very sad and revives the pain.

What helps to change your mood and you have control over it:
1. a cat.
2. medical marijuana. (not a "cure all" workaround for everybody, but it's pretty amazing.)

The real solution which makes you thank God for your divorce is a new love. Unfortunately we have little control over this - but it will come. Regardless of your age.
How right you are BH the so-called experts can kiss my a$$ as well.

I don't own a cat but I raise dogs as a hobbie, as for suggestion number 2 all I can say is God Bless Justin Trudeau!
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
As our world becomes more complex, we seem to see a movement to reduce everything into easily understandable sound bites. Problem is a little common sense will show that experts who claim pat answers are just making it up.

How can a subject as complex as divorce be boiled down to a simple formula.

I think it depends on individual circumstances, and the individuals themselves. Who can predict how anyone will react to a set of circumstances. I'm sure I would react differently based on a number of factors; length of the marriage, number of children, whether abuse was involved, whether a partner cheated, financial situation, relationship with the ex, many many things.

I'm three years since separation, a year and a half since divorce, and I can safely say both my ex and I have moved on. While my ex and I are not friends, we are civil, when we need to communicate about the kids. She is remarrying soon, and I have been in a long term relationship just over a year.

So I'd say don't sweat it. Everyone's journey is different. Therapy works for some, not for others. Some have an easy time with forgiveness, others not. All I can suggest is that ignoring issues doesn't make them go away.
It's been almost 3 years separated and we're going to trial in a few months. There is zero contact and that will remain for at least another 2 years or so (restraining order). I know it's all for the best.

Our marriage ended very abruptly - a train wreck, that might explain why I struggle with this need for closure. My STBX was the only person I ever had a serious relationship with (28 years).

Some get over it, some don't. I hope I'm not a one-trick-pony! Time will tell ...
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:07 PM
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It's been almost 3 years separated and we're going to trial in a few months. There is zero contact and that will remain for at least another 2 years or so (restraining order). I know it's all for the best.

Our marriage ended very abruptly - a train wreck, that might explain why I struggle with this need for closure. My STBX was the only person I ever had a serious relationship with (28 years).

Some get over it, some don't. I hope I'm not a one-trick-pony! Time will tell ...
Go out get drunk get laid......it's better then whining about life on the internet
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Old 08-19-2014, 12:19 AM
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Janibel I am sorry that you have to go through the ugliness of court in a few months. I can understand how anxious this must make you - having to relive everything is the last thing you want to do.

Think positive thoughts and focus on good things that are yet to come - this coming Christmas, perhaps a winter vacation, or a hobby/interest you've always wanted to lose yourself in. Keep yourself busy, even it it means cleaning those high cupboards in the kitchen (yetch).

Hopefully when you see your ex he will look as ridiculous as my ex did to me when I saw him after a period of time - he and his g/f had obviously shared the same bottle of hair dye and it was really quite hilarious at the time. I recall being quite nervous about seeing him at court but when I saw his hair I burst out laughing... couldn't help it.
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Old 08-19-2014, 01:14 AM
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Thanks Arabian, you're a sweetheart! Yes, this latest rant has a lot to do with going to court in a few months. I already know that seeing the Ex will be difficult. Apparently he has suffered a heart attack and is no longer going to his AA meetings ... (his problem not mine).

I'm not afraid as my lawyer has a black belt and the police officers who will be testifying will be by my side through it all.

Keeping very busy here, the house is spotless - even with 5 puppies in training lol.

Many posters have expressed how going to trial does not equal closure, though I will certainly be relieved to get this next step taken care of. Call me old fashioned but I haven't accepted any dates - waiting for the divorce.

Now there's something to look forwards to
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Old 08-19-2014, 01:32 AM
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Hey do you think your ex would physically assault you in the courthouse? Wow. Get some really nasty perfume spray for your purse in the event you're stuck in the same elevator. I don't know what courthouses are like where you live but in Edmonton there are cops crawling all over the place and security is very tight, just like going through airport security.

Looking forward to dating is a great sign. I'm not there yet. Perhaps this winter. Hmmm.

Consensus I've heard about getting over marriage is 7 years. I do know that things get emotionally better as each year goes by. I'm at year 5 and I don't think about him as much which makes it much better.

Last edited by arabian; 08-19-2014 at 01:36 AM.
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