Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > General Chat

General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 09:08 AM
WEC WEC is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 20
WEC is on a distinguished road
Default All my friends are separating

I travel alot. When I last came home, it was like all my friends suddenly decided to separate. Does anyone have statistics on this?
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 09:19 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 994
FightingForFamily will become famous soon enough
Default

Well the number 50-60% of marriages end in divorce is tossed around a lot. It really depends on the ages I would say.

Nearly everyone I know who separated did so by the time their first child turned 6 and often by age 3.

As far as I can tell from observation, having kids is probably the biggest contributor to divorce. Having kids completely changes the dynamics and expectations of the relationship. You can be with someone for 10 years and the relationship is all about the two of you and its wonderful. Once you add a kid, before long the relationship usually comes second to the child's needs.

Often the new mom experiences a profound change in her outlook. Having a baby generally changes a woman forever. The dad usually does not experience this the same way, or it's less profound. He still wants life to be the same as before. This tension creates problems.

There are many other reasons for divorce, but this is a pattern I've seen a lot of.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 09:24 AM
WEC WEC is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 20
WEC is on a distinguished road
Default

ya i noticed that too. my friends stopped being happy together after kids arrived. from what i've seen there are usually more changes for my female friends after they have kids. could be why the outlook profoundly changes as you say. maybe its pressure to juggle family and career. maybe its exhaustion. who knows? it just seems like everyone of my friends are separating!
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 09:35 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 994
FightingForFamily will become famous soon enough
Default

Yeah, mine are just starting to have kids or just had kids... sadly I am waiting for the shoe to drop on a few them. Not looking forward to it.

At least I have years of painful experience and knowledge to help them get through theirs, right?
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 09:48 AM
WEC WEC is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 20
WEC is on a distinguished road
Default

i'm not married and i don't have kids so i have no idea what to say to them. its all they want to talk about though so i'm brushing up my knowledge so that i can have answers for them. i love my friends but honestly i wish the topic would turn to something else! i hope with some quick answers the conversations emails texts can be of something other than their separation!
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 10:03 AM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

-There are some studies that show divorce spreads like a plague.
-Its also been shown to spread like a genetic disease

I think you need to recognize that separation is extremely hard in some cases.
-Men are at their most vulnerable to commit suicide at that time for example

You need to listen to them. I would suggest you advise them to focus on the future, their children, make sure they manage the divorce well and keep in mind that some people have it much worse (tell the one about the guy whose wife had kids with 4 different men over 16 years and when he found out and seperated he still had to pay child support!).

Or people who divorce at 50 for example, the men become indentured servants to their ex-wives for the rest of their lives.....
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 10:16 AM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,217
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WEC View Post
i'm not married and i don't have kids so i have no idea what to say to them. its all they want to talk about though so i'm brushing up my knowledge so that i can have answers for them. i love my friends but honestly i wish the topic would turn to something else! i hope with some quick answers the conversations emails texts can be of something other than their separation!
Send them here so they can use the search function for the wealth of information available, and ask their questions themselves. It will work much better for them than getting it secondhand from you.

But it's normal for it to be all they can talk about, since it's an overwhelming process consuming their life right now, and there are no quick answers, however much we might wish there were. Please try to manage your frustration at the change in the friendships until they get stabilized, and less important topics can return.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 12:11 PM
WEC WEC is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 20
WEC is on a distinguished road
Default

lol. it can be frustrating. i didnt mean for that to be the focus or to come across as selfish. i volunteer at shelters whenever im home a few times a year. i can listen and do. i suppose what im saying is it would be ideal for anyone going through divorce to remember to balance and maintain a healthy routine with family and friends. have fun, go out, be alive, force yourselves if you have to once in a while. real friends and family will always understand that youre not going to be the most fun party person of the group. set aside those other conversations for the other % of time however great or small is needed. reasonable balance is good for every other relationship. if you cant do that with friends and family, how do you expect anyone to believe you can separate your problems when youre with the kids?

links ive read some of your posts in the last couple of days. both men and women can be brutal through the course of a divorce. im seeing it both ways with my friends. taking just one side and not having any empathy for the other like for example its supposed to be a men vs women thing no matter what the real situation, is also a mistake. the law doesn't seem to have been overly fair for men for a long time but thats a general statement from my experience. growing up i was raised by my dad who had a very powerful attorney. as it turns out he didn't let my mother see me and then told me she died when i was 5 or 6. we moved around a lot and the story kept changing about how she died. it forced me to keep asking about her. after my dad died i found old copies of bank statements for child support from a 'separate' bank account. i finally met her a few years ago alive and well in the usa. after many years of attempting suicide from the divorce my mom remarried and had a few more kids. so women can be vulnerable after divorce too.

cycling back, i can listen to my friends go on and on. i really don't mind listening. sometimes it feels that they are so consumed by what she did or he did and how to use the law strategically but not necessarily honestly that they forget everyone else including the kids.

fyi, rioe, i suggested this site a number of times. no biters which is why i signed up. i keep trying though!

i think i answered everyone above. have a great day everyone.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 12:39 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,846
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

IMO it always comes down to money in the end.

Active listening will likely show this is true about your friends.

We go through "nesting" phases once we have children. WE buy "stuff" and this puts us into a state of financial stress.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 10-22-2014, 12:56 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
As far as I can tell from observation, having kids is probably the biggest contributor to divorce. Having kids completely changes the dynamics and expectations of the relationship. You can be with someone for 10 years and the relationship is all about the two of you and its wonderful. Once you add a kid, before long the relationship usually comes second to the child's needs.
I'm in a different social group but the dynamic that I see a lot of is that women around my age (early 40s)...that got married in their 20s...realize that their kids are teens, that they're totally self-sufficient financially, and that they have zero compatibility and emotional connection with their spouse. In fact, sometimes their spouse is sabotaging their happiness.

That's pretty much why I divorced and while going through the process, I ended up referring 5 gfs to my lawyer. 4 of them are now divorced also.

I'm sure having kids may contribute to the problems between partners but I also think that many of the women in my age group got married too early and weren't compatible enough with their ex-spouse.

Quote:
Or people who divorce at 50 for example, the men become indentured servants to their ex-wives for the rest of their lives.....
My fiancÚ got divorced at 50 and isn't an indentured servant. He pays a fair amount of spousal support that is reasonably termed.

I have female friend who's in a her late 40s who pays SS to her ex and will be paying it for some time.

Your gender-biased generalizations are ridiculous and never end.

Quote:
IMO it always comes down to money in the end.

Active listening will likely show this is true about your friends.

We go through "nesting" phases once we have children. WE buy "stuff" and this puts us into a state of financial stress.
I can't say I got divorced due to any financial issues...nor did anyone I know that's gotten divorced lately. I'm sure that happens a lot though.

Like I said, in my age group, its just a lot about being very unhappy and unsatisfied with the other partner. Different lifestyles, different parenting styles, different wants & needs, incompatible sex lives or no sex lives, and mostly the idea of growing old(er) with someone who you don't even want to be around.

It is however nice to have control over my own money since I got divorced.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Watching a friend's marriage melt down FightingForFamily Divorce Support 11 09-11-2012 04:13 PM
Financial Matters and Separating Looking4Answers Financial Issues 2 08-21-2011 03:20 PM
Ex living with his friend's wife Mel Divorce & Family Law 3 02-25-2010 05:47 PM
CommonLaw separating Owner of House wingman Common Law Issues 2 08-16-2009 05:12 PM
Moving from one province to another while separating aloneoverhere Divorce & Family Law 4 11-21-2008 11:59 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:10 PM.